Accountability

Since probably middle school I have heard about having accountability partners. At the time I did not see a true need for one. In my youth group I was the most spiritually mature (I am not just saying that, my youth pastor told me), so it was hard to see how anyone else in the group could serve as that person. Also I was not close to anyone in the group. At best, I felt tolerated by the others in the group.

It was probably after college when I started thinking that I would like to have an accountability partner, but it was more for the deep fellowship and not the accountability. I tried to meet with a friend for a while, but it didn't work out. I have trouble developing meaningful, lasting relationships with people. I keep people at arms length. I have great difficulty telling anyone anything personal about myself (even people I have known for 10 years). Because of this I had more or less given up the idea of having an accountability partner. Also I am pretty good making sure I do the right thing, so I still did not see the need for an accountability partner.

Since I have been really exploring my submission to God I have had a new interest in accountability. I also have had an ah ha! moment in regards to accountability. Though it is true that a deep fellowship can result from being held accountable to another person, it is not the reason I need accountability. I don't need just to be answerable to someone, but I also need to receive encouragement.

A few weeks ago, I was reading the blog of someone who practices domestice discipline within their marriage. She mentioned that her husband had given her a bedtime as she tends to stay up all night and then isn't able to get up in the morning. She wrote that since her husband was out of town she was having trouble continuing to comply with the bedtime request.

This got me thinking about my own life. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I am able to be responsible for myself, that I did feel like I need to answer to anyone. When I think back over the past year though I can see that I did need someone to answer to. I know that I am ultimately answerable to God, but He is not physically present and therefore it is often easy to think He isn't watching. Now I didn't start off neglecting the big stuff like Bible study or worship, but little things mostly having to do with my attitude. I wonder if the woman I was reading about had been left alone longer if bigger things than bedtime would have started to slip. I now see in my own life that neglecting the small things eventually snowballed into having me pretty much turn away from God.

So now I am left with the knowledge that I need to be held accountable, but knowing that I still have great difficulty opening up to another person. What am I suppose to do? For starters I began writing this blog. I did not think anyone would really read it so I told myself that I would post Meditative Mondays and Thankful Thursdays each week, plus I would write about what God is doing in my life and any struggles I have. The last two are in an effort to more open. There is a sense of safety in writing my thoughts into cyberspace. Over the last week or so I have told a few people I know in real life that I am writing this blog. It was daunting, but has gotten easier. I am the girl in real life that puts on a smile and says everything is fine, even when inside my world is crumpling.

I am glad that I have let some people in as I am already seeing times when I just think "I don't have to do this." Last Thursday is an example. Nothing overly great happened last week so I was struggling to find something to be thankful for. I thought several times throughout the day I will write it later. Well, when it became later I thought "Do I really need to write it? No one is reading it." In the end I did write it because I would feel guilty the next day that I didn't do it and I was also reminded that even if no one else sees it God sees it (which applies to more than just whether I write a blog post or not).

So where does all this leave me? I am not as good at self-policing as I once thought. I think the blog is helpful and a step in the right direction, but I don't know if it will be enough if I start sliding again (since it is still up to me whether I do it or not - no one is there to gently nudge me to continue). A person is not an island. I was not created to be alone. I need people in my real life to be answerable to. Not to only point on where I have gone wrong, but to encourage me to continue on the right path. I am still hestitant to sit down with anyone, but I will keep practicing opening up to people here and hopefully one day I will be able to open up to a person in real life.

Thankful Thursday #4

Today at cheerleading practice I shared how to be a Christian with the girls. My niece said she prayed to become a Christian. I also was able to talk to one of the mothers about how to be a Christian. It was an exciting night.

I have felt God in my life in way I have never felt Him before. Thinking back to where I was a year ago and where I am today - the change is amazing.

I ask my friends on facebook what they are thankful for each week. It makes me smile to see them thankful for the big things and the little things in life.

I want what I want

...He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Last week I struggled with what I would meditate on tonight. I decided on a verse that went along with the last two, I thought. But every so often I would think again what am I meditating on? Then I would answer myself (yes, I talk to myself - I'm not crazy it is a result of living alone). I decided to meditate on I am God. My first clue that this wasn't going in the right direction should have been the I have decided part of the statement. All the while another verse would pop into my head throughout the week - I will give you the desires of your heart. I just brushed it off. Well come Friday, I guess God got tired of being subtle with His request and sat me down for a heart to heart. He wasn't angry; it was not chastiment. He was giving me the opportunity to be obedient. And what an eye opener that discussion was.

I want what I want. Oh, I will be patient (for the most part) and wait for God to fulfill the desire, but in the end I want what I want. God pointed out that my desire is an area of my life that I didn't want to relinquish control.

The verse God gave me to meditate on is often misinterpreted. I knew that when God said to meditate on it that it did not mean He would necessarily give me what I want. The true meaning of the verse is more along the lines of I (God) will plant in your heart My desires.

If I truly want to live in submission to God I must give over to Him my desires. Easy to say,  but I have been trying to do that for the last 33 years as I have one desire that I have held onto my entire life. I want to be a wife and mother.  When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up that is my answer. I hate being asked what do I want in five years because as I have grown older I am feeling less hopeful that my desire will be fulfilled. I also don't like the question where do you see yourself in five years because I see myself in the same place I am now.

Did you know that there is a difference in those two questions? The first, what do you want, is goal oriented. The second, where do you see, is more reality based. I hate answering either question - with the second I am just depressed. And with the first I have no idea how to reach it. I can't make someone fall in love with me. I know because I tried once and it just left me heartbroken and ashamed.

So where does this leave me? I think no matter how hard I try I will not be able to completely let go of the dream, but I can let go of the desire. I was talking to a friend at church last night about the heart to heart I had with God and he asked me what do I do to give control to God in this area of my heart, how am I to be obedient. My answer - I don't know.

That is where meditating tonight come in. I always look up the verse I am going to meditate on to make sure I understand the context. So when I looked up Psalm 37:4 tonight I read the first part - Delight yourself in the Lord. I think I am suppose to give over my longing, craving to be married and have a family to God by delighting in Him. By shifting my focus from my want to God, the desire for Him will increase and I will only want to focus on Him. I will no longer crave marriage, though may still dream of it, because I will find everything I long for in God. And should He send me a husband then it will be a blessing, a gift He bestows on me.

Conviction and Confession

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins... 1 John 1:9

Last week I failed to follow rules #19 and #20. A new employee at work had to have a form filled out and when he asked me to do it I told him he could feel out the top part (the name and stuff) and then he asked me about his pay type and stuff. He also said something about the form saying it should be filled out by the supervisor. His tone rubbed me the wrong way and even though I answered his questions I was not overly kind (at least internally I knew it wasn't the right tone). I made some excuses to myself to justify my attitude and went on with my day.

Later in the day I was rereading the rules I posted and when I got down to the bottom I realized that I had failed (you can say I say I failed to follow the first three rules, too). I was convicted of my sin and I confessed it to God, asking for forgiveness.

Thankful Thursday #3

O give thanks unto the Lord... Psalm 107:1

The sermon on Sunday was awesome. A lot of the things that have been floating through my head were brought out in the sermon - great affirmation of what God has been saying to me. Though the sermon was to point out the need for brokenness in order to have revival I was giddy because I know what great things God can do.

We had beautiful weather at the beginning of the week. It was particularly nice on Monday since I had the day off and it was my birthday. I went out to lunch with wonderful friends and did a little shopping, then enjoyed a relaxing walk through the park with my dogs.

I made dinner for my parents and sister who was visiting. It was a special time.

A friend from church came over Monday while I was out and she and her 3 girls did some of my yard work. I am truly humbled by their generosity. It has brought a smile to my face each time I have walked out my door this week.

My Rules

1. Love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, and soul (Deut. 6:5; Matt. 22:37)
2. Love my neighbor as myself (Matt. 22:39)
3. In whatever I do, whether in word or deed, I am to remember it is all done in the name of Jesus (Col. 3:17)
4. I am to live in a sensible, righteous, and godly way (Titus 2:12)
5. Do not spread gossip or slander another (Lev. 19:16; Ephesians 4:29)
6. I am to give tithes and offerings to support the church (Lev. 27:30-32; 2 Cor. 9:7)
7. I am to meditate on the Word of God (Joshua 1:8)
8. I am to memorize scripture (Deut. 11:18; Psalm 119:11; Peter 3:15)
9. Confess all wrongdoing (Proverbs 28:13, James 5:16)
10. Tell others I follow Christ (Matt. 10:32-33; Matt. 28:19 )
11. Take care of myself (1 Cor. 6:19-20)
12. Be a good steward of the things God has given me (Matt. 25:14-30)
13. Do everything without grumbling or arguing (Phil. 2:14)
14. I am not to worry or be anxious (Phil. 4:6)
15. I am to present my requests with praise and thanksgiving (Phil. 4:6)
16. Speak the truth (Col. 3:9)
17. I am to avoid sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and greed (Col. 3:5)
18. I am to rid myself of anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language (Col. 3:8)
19. I must strive to demonstrate in my life: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal.5:22)
20. I am to practice daily: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience (Col. 3:12; Titus 3:2)

Rules - why I need them

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

I am an instruction book kind of gal. My parents bought me an iron for my birthday. Yeah, I know, what kind of gift is an iron, but I need it and for whatever reason I have never bought one for myself. I know how to use an iron, but it has a button that I am not sure how/when to use it. So I mentioned I could just read the instruction manual. Mom then responded casually that there wasn't one. I had a mini panic attack.

I like rules. I like to know what is right and what is wrong. I like clear boundaries. I more confident, secure, free when I know the rules and boundaries. I sometimes wish I lived during a time when there were certain rules for social interactions. Though at times they feel restrictive, there is also comfort in knowing how to act, speak, etc. in an unfamiliar situation.

Due to my like for rules I must be careful in my Christian walk not to become legalistic. I have to avoid the attitude of do this and not that. God cares about the attitude, not so much the action. I must remember that the things I do are in an effort to please Him, but that in all things God's greatest desire is to have a close, intimate relationship with me. Before sin was introduced in man, God walked and talked personally with man (Genesis 3:8-9). Therefore, through my desire to please God I am to remember it is not the action, but the relationship that matters. I should not follow the law out of fear of punishment, but out of desire to connect with God.

Because of Christ I am no longer under the law, but it does not mean I can completely ignore the law. The law, or rules, that is set out in the Bible is to guide me and instruct me in obedience and service to God. I freely give myself to these teachings. Through obedience and service to God I may have a closer, more intimate relationship with Him.

I have mentioned before all the rules, commands, law - whatever you want to call it - can be summed up into 2 commands: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul and Love your neighbor as yourself. However, for those who, like me, want/need a little more structure, there are more specific rules found throughout the Bible. I have compiled a list of commands that are to govern my actions and speech, which I will post under a separate posting so that when I want to look back on them I do not have to read through completely why I need the rules.

Rushing, only to be told to wait

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits ... Psalm 130:5

Ten minutes is a long time to sit still on my knees. I tried to be still for ten minutes tonight and it wasn't easy, but it wasn't too horribly hard either. I was a bit later tonight and a felt a little rushed. My sister came into town today and I haven't seen her in over a year. She and my parents came to my house for dinner. It was nice having dinner at my house with people - it's not something that happens often. Anyways, they didn't leave until a little after 7 pm and I had to put dinner away.

I changed into lounge pants hoping that if I was in comfortable clothes that kneeling would be easier. I set the timer and knelt in the living room. I had trouble slowing my mind. I realized I was saying I will wait on the Lord faster and faster. The point of meditative Mondays is to still my mind and body and focus on God. Since my mind was still racing I changed tactics slightly. I acknowledged who God is - Master of the universe (see last week's post) and since He is in control of everything I will wait for Him. It helped some. About half way through the phone rang (it was my niece and nephew calling to wish me happy birthday) and something outside set the dogs off. I put the dogs outside for the rest of the time. It is interesting that last week the distractions were more external and this week more internal. I really had a hard time stilling my mind.

I am happy to say the other reason for starting Meditative Mondays is working. I hoped that by knowing that 1 day a week I would se aside a time to meditate that I would more naturally incorporate meditation into my other days. As early as Tuesday or Wednesday of last week the verse I was going ot focus on popped into my head and it was something I thought about on and off all week.

It is not too hard to see what it is I am supposing to be waiting for the Lord for. There are several situations that I wish God would hurry up and do something about and there is one desire I wish God would either fulfill or remove from me. But in the situations and with the desire I must acknowledge that He is God and I have asked for Him to be Soveriegn Lord in my life and therefore I must wait for His decisions and actions.

Thankful Thursday #2

...always give thanks to God the Father for everything... Ephesians 5:20

Only the second Thursday of the year and already I am struggling with being thankful. Part of the reason I started to focus on thanksgiving on Thursday is because I realized that I was in a depressed mood since I was focused on negative things going on in my life. And once I started with a negative thought it would spiral out of control and I would feel even more depressed. There is a lot of reasons why I may be depressed this week - a family situation, turning a year older, my period. I don't know what is causing it, but I do know how to alleviate the depression some. If I focus on what I am thankful for I will be reminded that my world is not all darkness.

I am thankful of for the cheerleading devotions that we have each week focusing on God is light and His light overcomes the darkness. I did the devotion tonight at cheerleading practice and it was about how we don't want the light because it uncovers the wrongdoing in out lives. However, the light also frees us through forgivenss from the guilt and shame that is associated with that wrongdoing.

After seeing all the news reports about Haiti I am thankful that I live in a secure place, a prosperous place. Haiti is the poorest nation in the western hemisphere. I think it was just last year they were hit with a devastating hurricane. They do not have resources to rebuild after these natural disasters. I am blessed to live in a country that not only can afford to rebuild after a disaster, but is filled with people of compassion that will aid those in countries less fortunate.

I am thankful that my sister is visiting this weekend. I haven't seen her in over a year, though we are not close it is still good to reconnect.

Meditative Mondays

Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46:10

I have known this verse a long time, but I don't know if I have ever given it much thought. A few weeks ago I was reading a person's blog and she was telling about how upset she had gotten that day and that her husband told her to be still. This verse popped into my head. I had already been thinking about what I am suppose to do in order to show my submission to God. In light of that this verse came to hold more meaning.

I have mentioned that my prayer life has always been my weakest discipline, which is ironic since it is how as Christians we earn the most the strength. The biggest problem with my prayer is probably listening. I know prayer is a conversation, but I seem to monopolize the time. Another problem with my prayer life is being focused. I am easily distracted.

I realize I need to practice being still. What does it mean to be still? In Hebrew "be still" is the verb rapha and it means to be weak, to let go, to release. Hmm. It sounds a little like submitting (maybe that is why God prompted me to remember this verse when I was reading the blog I mentioned at the beginning of this post). I need to still not only my body, (I am not saying I can't pray while doing things but my attention is split and I find that I talk more) but I also need to still my mind. Again if I am doing another task while praying I cannot still my mind. However, a blank mind is dangerous, if I am not careful Satan can invade; therefore, the second half of the verse is the most important part of the verse and why I call it meditative Mondays I must know He is God. I have always thought it meant to be in awe of God, but there is more to it. On the site were I found the Hebrew verb (http://www.hebrew4christians.com/) there is a meditation on this verse. I learned a new name for God - Ribbono Shel Olam, Master of the Universe. Can God be any more pointed about what I should be focusing on? I know several names for God - Provider, Healer, My Banner, etc, - but I don't think I have ever heard this one and seriously if this name does not give the impression of being the One in control I don't know what would.

I thought this was a good verse to start with for my meditative Mondays. Like my Thankful Thursdays, it is a day for me to purposeful practice a discipline I should develop in my everyday life. Hopefully my setting aside time each week to intentionally practice it will naturally translate into all my other days. So today I tried for the first time to Be Still. After supper and after I called Mom, I set the timer on the microwave for 6 minutes and knelt in the living room.

I set the timer because I am a time freak. I wanted to make sure I wasn't tempted to look at my watch. I wanted to sit quietly for 5 minutes, focusing on Master of the Universe. I knelt because it is a position of submission and it a sign of reverence. Maybe I kneel wrong, but my feet started to fall asleep. I knew that my dogs would be a source of distraction, but I was able to quiet them some. I had lit the candles on the coffee table during dinner and they were still lit. My cats don't usually bother the candles, but of course tonight Josie walked along the table right next to the candles (when I closed my eyes I could hear her nails clacking on the table). Finally I got her to stay off the table. I don't know if it was all the distractions or what but the six minutes passed pretty quickly (I set it for 6 minutes because I wanted to allow time to walk from the kitchen to the living room and get settled so that I could meditate for 5 minutes).

So it may not have been a complete success but it was a start. I knew there would be challenges (I mean I am reestablishing my relation with God; Satan does not want me to do that so of course he will try to throw in roadblocks. However, I know that I serve Ribbono Shel Olam and He will light my path and I shall not stumble.) So I may not have been able to be completely be still for the 5 minutes, but I was able to focus completely for a few moments on my God. I would like to be able to be still for at least 30 minutes. Any suggestions on how to kneel so that my feet will not fall asleep? I may also attempt to lay prostrate as it is an even more vulnerable position.

Submission - What, Why, How

Submit yourselves, then, to God. James 4:7

What is submission? What does it mean to submit? According to the dictionary, submit means "to yield oneself to the power or authority of another, to defer to another's judgement, opinion, decision ,etc." In other words you give another person power or control over you. I looked for examples of submission on the internet and some interesting things popped up. Just as Jesus' use of parables teaches valuable lessons, these real life examples of submission helped me to better understand my submission to God. I ran across several blogs that discuss submission. One blog mentioned that submission is a gift freely given to another person, also that once given it cannot be taken back.  Just because it is freely given does not mean that it is easily handed over; some times there is a struggle to fully give the gift of submission.

Why do I think I need to submit to God to experience abundant life? First off let me say that it has nothing to do with my salvation and everything to do with my salvation. The day I admitted that I needed forgiveness for my sin and that forgiveness could only come through accepting Jesus into my life my salvation was sealed. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith ... not by works, so that no one can boast" Ephesians 2:4. I cannot earn my salvation; therefore, if I do not submit I am still saved. However, when I asked Jesus into my life I did not ask him to be only my Savior, but also Lord. I am called to be conformed to image of Christ (Philippians 2:5) and in order to do that I must submit myself to God (Philippians 2:6-8).

How do I submit to God? This question is a bit trickier for me. Yes, I can say "God you are in control of my life," but what does submission look like in action. Again looking at the lives of people who have chosen to give control over to another human has shed some light on the subject. Basically it boils down to two words : Obey and Serve. Often people in relationships that practice power exchange have a list of rules or responsibilities, particulary early on in the relationship, that instruct them on how to obey and serve. As they learn each other better eventually it is thought that the rules/responsibilities do not need to be as well defined because the submitting partner will naturally follow a pattern of obedience and service. As one person wrote on their blog that they had gotten to a point in their submission that all the rules could be thrown out and she would only need to follow one rule - do as her master commands. As a Christian I have 1,189 chapters (around 31,103 verses) on the "rules/responsibilities" in order to show my submission to God, but it all boils down to 2 commands - Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-40).

I wish I could say after all these years that I only need those 2 commands in order to submit to God, but after this past year I can see that I am continuing to struggle with fully submitting to God and need more structure and instruction in order to more fully submit. I have already thought of some ways that I can show my submission to God - Thankful Thursdays and Mediation Mondays.  I will be putting up a more complete blog about "rules" in Christian submission probably next weekend in case anyone is curious and as a reminder to myself.

Thankful Thursday

And be thankful. Colossians 3:15

It is so easy to find the bad things, the things that are going wrong in life, but it often takes purpose to find things that happen in life to be thankful for. Sure we recongize the big things - family, friends, jobs, etc. But what about the little things that happen everyday. We don't usually slow down enough to see those things that are small, but enrich our lives none the less. So Thursdays this year are going to be devoted to focusing on being thankful and as a reminder I am going to list things that have happened during the past week that may not have been huge, but that I am thankful they occurred.

• I am thankful that this was a short week at work, After being on holiday for two weeks, it was nice only having to go in for four days.
• I received a note of praise from my boss. It is not often that my boss says thank you, let alone praises you (this is only the second time in the almost nine years I have worked for him), so when it happens you know it is sincere. I had taken on a new task that culminated in a meeting on the last day before my holiday started. My boss is a sticklet for details, so I was nervous about how the meeting would go. It went great and my boss didn't just write a simple thank you, but wrote an entire paragraph - I want to frame it.
• I am thankful for the 1st and 2nd grade girls on my cheerleeding squad for just being there. I often don't want to go to practice because it is another hour of my already long day, but we have so much fun. It doesn't matter if they get the cheer exactly right and I'm reminded that it's okay to mess up from time to time. I laugh so hard at practive, not at the girls though they say and do some of the funniest things; no, I laug at myself and it is good to be reminded not to take myself so seriously all the time.

Learning to submit

It is a new year; a time to reflect on the old and set goals for the future. 2009 was spiritually a dark year for me. A lot of things happened in my life that left me feeling lonely, abandoned, and wondering if God even cared. As a result I stumbled from the narrow path - I gave up prayer, personal Bible study, and even worship (I went through the motions, but there was no worship) - which in turn deepened the emotions I was feeling. It was a vicious cycle that Satan was all too happy to continue. By fall I realized that I needed some help because my life was pretty much in shambles (maybe I am exaggerating slightly) and I did not like who I was becoming.

During a communion service, I confessed it all to God - how I had turned from Him, how I felt about His "silence" during certain situations, and how I didn't know what to do now. Nothing changed. However, a week or so later I saw someone at church who I have talked to in the past about some things and had the urge to seek her out. Typically, I would have ignored it and continued with my one-sided conversations, but I wasn't getting any where on my own. Some time later we met together and I talked for 4 hours. If that night wasn't an example of word vomit, I don't know what is. I did feel better after we talked, thought I was still uncertain about what the future held.

After thinking about that night two things stood out: 1. I needed to repair my relationship with God, first and foremost and 2. Deep down I know God's promises and that He really hadn't abandoned me nor possibly been as silent as I had thought. There is, however, a disconnect between what I know and what I believe at this time.

I am still struggling, though there have been improvements. I have started praying (my prayer life has never been very strong, but it is still weaker than it use to be) and intentionally worshiping. Today was the first time I opened my Bible for personal study in quite some time. I had been meditating on some scripture that I know or have ran across elsewhere. I have been focusing on what caused me to stumble and so badly. But it is like an onion, each layer peeled off exposes another layer. Up 'til now I think I have only been discovering issues that were caused by the main problem. Though eye opening, focusing on them is not bringing me any closer to God because they are not the root cause.

A thought has been floating around my head for a few months - submission. I read something that was describing submission. It said, along these lines, you are given a command and wether you choose to obey or not is up to you, however, obedience earns reward and disobedience yields punishment. Though the context was not Christian, it can be applied to the Christian life. Then a few weeks ago, around Thanksgiving I think, my class met with another class at church for Bible study. I don't remember what exactly the lesson was on, but I remember discussing different views of God and what that says about how we relate to God. One view of God is the vending machine, giving you what you want when you want it. This demanding of God is a way to usurp His control in my life. Bells went off in my head since I have had trouble with who's in control this past year.

For last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about submission and how to submit to God. I recognize I have become unwilling to submit to God. This very well could be the root cause of my stumble. Both points that I mentioned earlier - my relationship with God and the disconnect between knowledge and belief - can be addressed by my submission. Submission entails trust; trusting another enough to give them control requires a level of intimacy. By submitting to God I can grow closer to Him and through my submission I act on my knowledge of God. Continual submission will translate that knowledge into belief as I will be reliant on His promises and I will see them fulfilled in my life. (If this sound unclear or confusing, well, it probably is. It needs further exploration and future blogs will address this).

I want to live life abundantly as I have been promised in John 10:10. In order to live life abundantly, I must submit to God, give Him control of my life. This blog will follow my journey into submission to God and the resulting abundant blessings.