I want to give up

Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will continue it on until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Life is crumbling down around me. I am so stressed and anxious that I am physically ill. I am tiring so hard to do everything right that I am making more mistakes. I feel like I stand alone.

I spent my 20 minutes of meditation in tears. Where is God? He is suppose to be strong when I am weak. And I am weak at this moment. He is suppose to be my Comfort and Strong Tower where I can take refuge. How am I suppose to face tomorrow? Just because He lives does not help me know how to deal with the stuff I face.

If He started a good work in me and is continuing it, then why do I feel like such a failure?

Thankful Thursday #21

I am struggling with not letting the bad of the week overshadow the good. So this is short.

I had an absolute wonderful massage on Tuesday. I wish I could feel like that every day.

My swimming workout is going well and I am sleeping better.

This week has gone quickly. It's been productive.

Psalm of Confession

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5

Since starting on this journey to total submission I have noticed that I am I quicker to recognize sin in my life and also more likely to truly confess (not just the Oh sorry God I shouldn't have done that). I can feel the separation that the sin has caused and want to repair the relationship with God. I am also more like to think about the attitude behind the sin. The why I committed the sin and not just the action.

I had trouble settling my mind tonight. I don't know if it was the harder workout if it was the plain fact that I was spending 20 minutes in confession. I wondered also if maybe I am not truly ready to repent from the sin.

Thankful Thursday #20

It has been a pretty good week. I went to 2 movies this week. I had girls' night with my niece. It was the last week of school for my niece and nephew so now there will be more time just for fun aunt stuff. I did my swimming workout for the second week. I felt great afterwards. My niece and nephew had their spring sing at church. It is always fun watching the little kids perform.

Who am I?

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139:13-14.

Who did God make me to be? I am who He created? I don't know. I have never really struggled with God's will for my life. I have always had the attitude: If this isn't the path you want me on for my life then close the door. As long as the door remained opened I continued the path.

I am still struggling with what to do about my Ph.D. Do I finish it? Do I not? Is that door still opened? If not, is it locked or can I reopen it? I don't know what to do.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

I want God to let me know what is the plan for me. I know I should be content with just knowing what the next step is, but right now I don't know if I even know what the next step is. I am confused; I don't know what to think any more. I feel God has gone mute on this point. I have been rehashing it for several weeks. Am I rationalizing, trying to say God doesn't want me to continue out of fear? Or is this something that I need to let go of and forget about? What did God foresee happening in my life when he looked upon my unformed body?

Thankful Thursday #19

Last weekend was Mother's Day. It was a great weekend hanging out with my Mom. I was the good daughter - I made dinner and I even remembered a present.

I took my dogs to my parents' house last Saturday to start working on introducing my dogs to their dogs. Hopefully, when I go to Europe this summer my puppies will be able to stay with Mom and Dad. It would save me so much money if I didn't have to board them. Also I don't think my dogs will feel as abandoned.

Monday, I started a new swimming workout. It was fabulous. I found a website that will tailor programs to my skill and activity level. I have a little trouble pacing myself because I still think I can swim like I did 20 years ago when I competed. One day I might be able to, but not the first day back in the pool after a 5 year absence. I slept beautifully Monday night. I only woke up a little stiff and only really my arms bothered me.

Confused part 2

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledment of God rather than burnt offerings. Hosea 6:6

This verse goes sort of with last week's verse. The two have popped in my head several times in the past week. It seemed at one point some clarity was coming, but alas I still wasn't sure what it all meant. Tonight, I read all of chapter 6. What caught my attention was verse 3 "acknowledge God, press on to acknowledg God." It reminded me of the verse that started me down this path - Be still and know I am God.

In both Hosea and Micah, it is mentioned that Israel is arrogant. As I sat meditating  I was brought back to once again whether I should finish my Ph.D. or not. I thought about why I started the program. It was to prove my self-worth. I will admit I have often thought my secterial position is beneath me. Though I don't care if I use my Ph.D. I wanted it because it proved something. It is a points of pride. I thought about my current position. I could be very content in it. Things have improved that I no longer dread going to work. And if I would do my work; it would be something to be proud of.

Before I entered the Ph.D. program, I dated a guy who thought just about everything out of my mouth was illogical; any arguments I made were senseless. It is no wonder I stopped trying to open up to him and he thought there was nothing "below the surface." I have worth whether I have a Ph.D. or not. I am worthy because God created me and declare it good.

When I got to the last step of my Ph.D. that is when I faltered. I was continually told to go back through my dissertation. I started "hearing" it isn't good enough; you are not good enough. Then I did the presentation - and there was more criticism. I started thinking may the guy was right, maybe I can't make a logical argument, maybe I am not capable of deeply thinking about a subject. In the midst of this I was dealing with other situations that made feel like a failure. My depression was becoming worse and I gave up on finishing my Ph.D.

I wanted to stand before man and be declared right. I can stand before God in rightness solely because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I do not need man's approval.

Do I need to finish? I don't know. Will it just make be prideful? That is not what God wants. Will it make me more discontent with my current circumstances? Possibly. What does God want me to do? I am not sure in respect to my Ph.D. I know that He wants me to acknowledge Him. To have a close, intimate, meaningful relationship with Him.

Thankful Thursday #18

It has been another great week. I think I mentioned that I am trying to start a side business. I had my first client and a lot of hits on that blog. Hopefully more people will contact me about the services I am offering.

I went to a comedy show tonight. It was hilarious. I was really happy that a couple of friends were able to come with me.

I finally went to the gym and signed up. It is a cheap membership and I should have done it a long time ago. I am going to try to get back into swimming.

Confused...

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

I am not sure what God is trying to tell me with this verse. The passage it comes from begins with a trial of sorts. The Lord is bringing charges against Israel. Then it moves to what must one do to pay for their sins. They mention burnt offerings and other sacrifices; it goes as far as wondering if they must offer their first born, the fruit of their bodies. None of those sacrifices would have wiped all their sin: past, present, and future - a way. No the only sacrifice that truly paid for our transgressions is the blood of Jesus Christ.

When I looked up the verse there was a cross reference to Hosea 6:6 that said that God preferred loyalty to sacrifice; knowledge of God to burnt offerings. I think I am going to read Hosea.

There is a side note in my Bible in reference to Micah 6:8 "Micah's most famous pronouncement summarizes the qualities that matter to God, Jesus spoke in simalar terms to the Pharisees's about their religous hypocrisy: they gave a tenth of even their spices to God, yet they neglected justice, mercy, and faithfulness (Matthew 23:23)"

Hmm....  Is this meant to be affirmation or condemnation? I did miss my meditation a couple of weeks ago, Was this verse suppose to help me realize that I do not have to keep a rigid schedule? Or maybe it is to point out that I am keeping too much of a schedule - Only meditate on Mondays, only thankful on Thursdays? Am I doing the "religious thing" and missing out on the relationship? Am I preoccupied with being perfect, following the "law" that I am missing the important things?

I don't know, but it definitely warrants consideration.