Thankful Thursday #17

So I forgot to post last night. After I took my bubble bath, I drifted through the rest of the evening until I slipped into a peaceful slumber. So no bad reason for not posting. It has actually been a great week. Work went quickly. I had a lovely time with dinner and a movie with my niece and nephew Tuesday. Thursday was my Friday (which might add to the reason I forgot to post). I had a wonderful walk at the park after work where I did express gratitude to God for His beautiful creation. It was a good week, a short week, and now on to the weekend!

I Don't Want To

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The last couple days this verse has been floating through my head. At church we are going through a series about Every Christian a Witness. This week's topic was about telling our story/testimony. I have been praying for a friend for opportunities to share my faith and I think it is finally time to sit down and tell her why I choose to be a Christian. So I thought the verse was an apt one to meditate on tonight. I thought my time would be affirming, uplifting, strengthening.

I thought about this verse all evening. While I was grocery shopping, while walking the dogs, while fixing supper. Sometime during walking the dogs and fixing supper it dawned on me that maybe God want to talk about something else. My first response - No, I don't want to hear it. I just want it to be about giving my testimony.

Well, God did have something else in mind for tonight. No sooner had I knelt on the floor and started repeating the verse that He took over. I immediately focused on all things. It doesn't mean just the spiritual things He has called me to, but the everyday life things.

I have been putting off finishing my Ph.D. I know it is something I will regret 5 - 10 years from now even though I have no clue what I want to do with it.

When it was obvious that I couldn't push this aside I wanted to just get up and stop meditating. I immediately felt deflated. I might have even pouted a little (or maybe a lot). I know had I not been kneeling I would have stomped my foot as I clearly told God I. Don't. Want. To.

I don't know if I can ignore it any longer. I am warring with myself. My desire to submit to God in all things versus my absolute fear of facing my committee.

I just want to cry.

Thankful Thursday #16

Those who read my blog regularly may have noticed I did not do my Meditative Monday blog. The reason: I did not meditate on Monday. I was sick this week. I am thankful that I serve a God who is more concerned with my heart's condition than the routine acts. Though I did not formally meditate I did  have opportunities during my convalescences to think about who God is. I experienced God this week through the rest He provided, the calmness and peace He bestowed upon my during my minor illness. Though I was unable to keep the appointment God still met me,

This past weekend I went up to my alma mater and met up with my college buddies. Some of them I have not seen since graduation. It was a great time just to enjoy each others company once again and catch up with what has happened in each others lives the last 10 years.

I am trying to start a side business of sorts. Right now all it is is me writing a blog, but I have already made a little bit of money from the ad revenue and traffic to the site is picking up. I have some really great ideas that I hope come to fruition. It called Opportunity's Knocking; it's a career planning resource

Thankful Thursday #15

It has been a good week. Last Friday night I enjoyed hanging out with my church family. I got to play Pay Day (I haven't played that since I was a child) and talk to some people that I don't often get the chance to.

On Saturday, I took the dogs to one of my favorite nature trails. It was beautiful and the perfect weather - not too hot, but not too chilly either. The pollen was still down from the rain a few days prior. A friend came a long with me and was able to snap a few pictures of my pups. Charlie is terrified of the camera so I was hoping that being in an open space would help.

The work week has been good. I have been able to get some papers off my desk so things are becoming more organized. That's a good thing. When my desk is disorganized my life feels disorganized.

Tuesday was a long day. I was exhausted from not having slept well and just had a case of the blahs. I came home and decided to go down to the local park to walk the dogs. It was peaceful and a great way to decompress. Though sounds of little league games, family cheers, and chirping birds mixed together to provide the perfect atmosphere. The walking trail at the park is a pretty one. It was God's way of giving me comfort during a down kind of day. I thank Him for the wonderful gift.

Something's brewing

I have learned to be content in all circumstances. Philippians 4:11

There is an unsettling deep within my soul. I can feel but cannot name. Is it discontentment or some unidentified struggle waiting to emerge when God knows I'm ready to handle it? Either is possible.

I know there are circumstances in my life that I am not happy with. There are a lot of "I want" statements flowing out of my heart, but what do I need?

Struggles and confusion are within me as well. I re-read the chapter on the discipline of submission in Foster's Celebration of Discipline. I have questions. Not sure how to incorporate some of the ideas into my life. I feel challenged in areas where I know I am not submitting.

There is a battle between spirit and flesh brewing within me. The new man is fighting the old man. I am not sure where I stand in the battle. Am I in midst or do I stand on the sidelines as an observer. Today, I was chatting with some friends and mentioned a personality test I took in college that determined introvert/extrovert and rule follower/rule breaker (there was a term for this but I can't remember it). I scored almost right dap in the middle of the chart just slightly on the side of introvert and rule follower. But the extrovert, rebellious side of me is standing ready to come forth with the slightest nudge. The extrovertness isn't bad; it can be quite helpful in certain circumstances. My rebellious side can be dangerous. While it helps me to determine "rules" that may be unjust, it also leaves me wanting to push the envelop. I have joked that I am rebellious within societal norms. Maybe this is what the struggle I feel is about.

I take comfort, just as I had found last week, even though I do not understand and cannot make others understand what is going on in my head and within my heart, God understands. His understanding is beyond measure. I lean not on my own understanding, but His.

Thankful Thursday #14

I had a great Easter weekend.

On Friday night, my niece and I had a girls night out. We had pedicures done so out toes would be pretty for Sunday. We also had dinner out and did a little shopping. I bought a new pair of shoes that I absolutely love (which is saying a lot because I hate shoe shopping). Then we game home and watched a movie.

On Saturday, I went with my sister and the kids to an Easter egg hunt and picnic. The weather was absolutely beautiful. So when I got home I laid out on my back deck to get some sun and just enjoy the day.

On Sunday, I attended a wonderful worship service with almost my whole family. My nephew was baptized and then we all headed to Mom and Dad's for lunch. Later that evening when I was at home I again sat on my back deck. The weather was just perfect the sun was starting to go down and there was a gentle breeze. The pollen had made my eyes gunky so I closed them to just enjoy the sounds and feel of nature and peacefully slumbered for about 30 minutes.

The work week has gone pretty well. I am finally able to see parts of desk as a unearth it from the piles of paperwork that has been accumulating.

Today we had a nice rain. The pollen has been horrendous. I keep my windows open and I have a nice film of yellow pollen on most surfaces. But the rain today has clear the air and everything outside looks clean (now if I could only hose down the inside of my house).

Is this a test?

...His understanding has no limit. Psalm 147:5

This past week I have felt like God is laughing at me. I know He is not, well maybe trying to hide a chuckle. I wanted to be angry with God, but I knew He was right so it kind of took the fire out it.

It seems no sooner had I pledge to surrender my life completely to Him (see this post) that God is testing to see if I am truthful. I knew when I made the pledge that God would challenge me, push me to my limits. I didn't think it would be so soon.

This week I am faced with a decision. Can I put away my desire in order to do Kingdom work? Can I trust God to protect me? I think this is an excerise in trust. When I surrendered myself on Palm Sunday I knew that meant God could do whatever and that when faced with the path He has chosen for me I might balk at it. But I know He is beside me.

Tonight's meditation brought that truth to light. When I say God is laughing at me I don't think He is being mean. It is more like the chuckle that a parent has trouble hiding when their child doesn't quite get what is going on. God's understanding knows no limit. He cares for me beyond measure. He understand greater than I do how much of the struggle this path will be for me. But I also have confidence that I can resist the temptation (I have struggled this week with whether or not I am rationalizing my actions so that I get my way).

This situation is in God's hands. I have sought Godly counsel and I was told to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. All I can do is take the next step for as of right now I do believe that God has a plan for putting me in this situation. I am not sure what that plan is or truly how to proceed. But taking one step will either lead me through the open door or close it to me. I must not rush 10 steps ahead and get lost in the what ifs my mind wants to create. I can only trust that God will lead my steps.

Happy Easter!

We sang this song and I really like it, but today it really spoke to me as we celebrated the risen Lord.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh

fulness of God in helpless babe!

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,

the wrath of God satisfied -

for every sin on Him was laid;

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again!

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine -

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,

This is the power of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath.

Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till he returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I stand.

Thankful Thursday #13

This has been such an up and down week. I have been emotional (probably hormonal), but still there have been good things.

Friday afternoon and Saturday was spent at a Ladies Retreat in the mountians. It was beautiful and warm enough to enjoy the surrounding nature.

I have been having trouble staying asleep the last 3 weeks maybe but the last two nights I have slept through the night. I have stayed up a little later, but I am enjoying the uninterrupted sleep. Hopefully soon I will be back to a full 8 hours sleep.

The weather has been absolutely beautiful. I love the temps being in the 80s.

I did some retail therapy today at my favorite store. The good cry I had the other night help release some of the tension I have been feeling but the shopping but a spring back into my step.