Gotta do

... faith without deeds is dead. James 2:26

I know it has been a while since I have written anything. I have continued to meditate on Mondays and be thankful on Thursdays. After last weeks meditation, I felt like I couldn't quite grasp what was swirling in my head to put it in a coherent form. I felt like I needed to think about it more. I have thought about it over the past week. Last week I meditated on Isaiah 58. It talked about false practices - where you go through the motions but once you are done you think about it no more. I think my meditation has become that for me to some extent. At first I was concerned because when I was depresses last year that is how my whole Christian walk became.

At the beginning of the year, when I began my weekly meditation it was a chance to refocus and reconnect with God. The last month or so I haven't felt as connected to Him, like he isn't showing up for my meditation time. I think part of it was the routineness of it (I never thought about the verse I was meditation on outside of the Monday time), but another part is because I have outgrown it. I am not saying that I should continue to meditate on the Word of God. But if that is all I am doing then it will eventually stop feeding my needs. I need to take the next step to deepen my faith. I need to take the 2 dimensional words on the page and and the 3rd dimension (depth). How do I do that?

My class has been going through a study called Interupted. It is about service, particularly to "the least of these". As I was thinking about what we have been talking about and the passage from last week (which happened to be a passage we looked at during the study) and today James 26 kept repeating in my head.

I have recently applied for a few jobs (I have an interview on Thursday) and I updated my resume. I list my community involvement on my resume. I work in administration and I have done a lot of community events that require good organizational and administrative skills. Anyways, I was looking at the dates and realized I have not done anything in more than a year. I have always been very service oriented and I think that is a missing piece.

We finished out study this past Sunday and wasn't sure what to do for next Sunday. We had done a round of introduction a few Sundays ago as there were a few visitors and we were to mention our July 4th plans and no one had any. A few days later it was laid on my heart that we should do service that day. The church will only have 1 worship service so we can get started a little earlier than Sunday School time without making anyone miss worship. So we are going on Sunday morning to serve breakfast at a housing development that our church is starting to build relationships.

I don't know why I didn't make the connection earlier. Service is a big part of submission. Service requires you to think about someone else, to make time in your schedule, and often requires you to humble yourself.

Back to the beginning

Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46:10

Life feels out of control. I don't know where I am suppose to be heading. I know I am tired of making decisions. I want someone else to make the decision and I just follow. I feel so alone. Where is my helpmate?

I khow I am better off following Christ but right now my life seems pretty miserable.

I am so discouraged at the moment.

Thankful Thursday #23

I missed my Monday Meditation. I have had a touch of a stomach bug this week. It has left me listless and lethargic. I don't know where the time has gone the last few evenings. Thankfully I am feeling better. I am still pretty tired but I am able to eat a little more the last day or so.

It has been a pretty uneventful week. Last Saturday, I had a good time just laying on a raft in the pool. I got a bit of sun.

My lawn mower was repaired and the rain held off long enough for me to mow my front yeard and most of the dogs's yard. Maybe I will be able to get some more yardwork done this weekend. Now that my front lawn looks nice I want to the rest of it to look nice too.

Thankful Thursday #22

Wow. It has already been a week. It seems to have flown by, I guess a stressful week can do that.

Last weekend was a 3 day weekend for Memorial Day. I am thankful to all the men and women who have willinging laid down their lives for my freedom.

I had a great day last Sunday. A friend and I went to see a movie - Alice in Wonderland (it was ok. I'm not a big Tim Burton fan) and then she treated be to dinner at a local Italian restaurant. The tortelinni and grilled chicken sausage was wonderful. YUM. I want some more NOW. And then we went downtown for frozen yogurt and people watching.

After my mini-break down on Monday (at least it was a good cry), the week was kind of up and down. I think the storm has passed. I sure hope so any ways.

I am so glad that I have gotten back into the pool. It is an hour where I can let go of all the stress and just focus on the stroke. I am physically tired after my workouts, which is nice compared to the emotional weariness I have been experiencing lately.

Tonight I swam extra hard (by the time I got out of the pool I didn't think my arms were attached to my body anymore), but I knew it was bath night. I soaked for 45 minutes in a tub of hot water and espom salt. It was lovely. I made it a little more special by munching on havarti cheese and wheat thins. I also watched a bit of mindless television while I lounged.

Now I am throughly relaxed and ready for bed. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday.

I want to give up

Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will continue it on until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Life is crumbling down around me. I am so stressed and anxious that I am physically ill. I am tiring so hard to do everything right that I am making more mistakes. I feel like I stand alone.

I spent my 20 minutes of meditation in tears. Where is God? He is suppose to be strong when I am weak. And I am weak at this moment. He is suppose to be my Comfort and Strong Tower where I can take refuge. How am I suppose to face tomorrow? Just because He lives does not help me know how to deal with the stuff I face.

If He started a good work in me and is continuing it, then why do I feel like such a failure?

Thankful Thursday #21

I am struggling with not letting the bad of the week overshadow the good. So this is short.

I had an absolute wonderful massage on Tuesday. I wish I could feel like that every day.

My swimming workout is going well and I am sleeping better.

This week has gone quickly. It's been productive.

Psalm of Confession

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5

Since starting on this journey to total submission I have noticed that I am I quicker to recognize sin in my life and also more likely to truly confess (not just the Oh sorry God I shouldn't have done that). I can feel the separation that the sin has caused and want to repair the relationship with God. I am also more like to think about the attitude behind the sin. The why I committed the sin and not just the action.

I had trouble settling my mind tonight. I don't know if it was the harder workout if it was the plain fact that I was spending 20 minutes in confession. I wondered also if maybe I am not truly ready to repent from the sin.