Gotta do

... faith without deeds is dead. James 2:26

I know it has been a while since I have written anything. I have continued to meditate on Mondays and be thankful on Thursdays. After last weeks meditation, I felt like I couldn't quite grasp what was swirling in my head to put it in a coherent form. I felt like I needed to think about it more. I have thought about it over the past week. Last week I meditated on Isaiah 58. It talked about false practices - where you go through the motions but once you are done you think about it no more. I think my meditation has become that for me to some extent. At first I was concerned because when I was depresses last year that is how my whole Christian walk became.

At the beginning of the year, when I began my weekly meditation it was a chance to refocus and reconnect with God. The last month or so I haven't felt as connected to Him, like he isn't showing up for my meditation time. I think part of it was the routineness of it (I never thought about the verse I was meditation on outside of the Monday time), but another part is because I have outgrown it. I am not saying that I should continue to meditate on the Word of God. But if that is all I am doing then it will eventually stop feeding my needs. I need to take the next step to deepen my faith. I need to take the 2 dimensional words on the page and and the 3rd dimension (depth). How do I do that?

My class has been going through a study called Interupted. It is about service, particularly to "the least of these". As I was thinking about what we have been talking about and the passage from last week (which happened to be a passage we looked at during the study) and today James 26 kept repeating in my head.

I have recently applied for a few jobs (I have an interview on Thursday) and I updated my resume. I list my community involvement on my resume. I work in administration and I have done a lot of community events that require good organizational and administrative skills. Anyways, I was looking at the dates and realized I have not done anything in more than a year. I have always been very service oriented and I think that is a missing piece.

We finished out study this past Sunday and wasn't sure what to do for next Sunday. We had done a round of introduction a few Sundays ago as there were a few visitors and we were to mention our July 4th plans and no one had any. A few days later it was laid on my heart that we should do service that day. The church will only have 1 worship service so we can get started a little earlier than Sunday School time without making anyone miss worship. So we are going on Sunday morning to serve breakfast at a housing development that our church is starting to build relationships.

I don't know why I didn't make the connection earlier. Service is a big part of submission. Service requires you to think about someone else, to make time in your schedule, and often requires you to humble yourself.

Back to the beginning

Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46:10

Life feels out of control. I don't know where I am suppose to be heading. I know I am tired of making decisions. I want someone else to make the decision and I just follow. I feel so alone. Where is my helpmate?

I khow I am better off following Christ but right now my life seems pretty miserable.

I am so discouraged at the moment.

Thankful Thursday #23

I missed my Monday Meditation. I have had a touch of a stomach bug this week. It has left me listless and lethargic. I don't know where the time has gone the last few evenings. Thankfully I am feeling better. I am still pretty tired but I am able to eat a little more the last day or so.

It has been a pretty uneventful week. Last Saturday, I had a good time just laying on a raft in the pool. I got a bit of sun.

My lawn mower was repaired and the rain held off long enough for me to mow my front yeard and most of the dogs's yard. Maybe I will be able to get some more yardwork done this weekend. Now that my front lawn looks nice I want to the rest of it to look nice too.

Thankful Thursday #22

Wow. It has already been a week. It seems to have flown by, I guess a stressful week can do that.

Last weekend was a 3 day weekend for Memorial Day. I am thankful to all the men and women who have willinging laid down their lives for my freedom.

I had a great day last Sunday. A friend and I went to see a movie - Alice in Wonderland (it was ok. I'm not a big Tim Burton fan) and then she treated be to dinner at a local Italian restaurant. The tortelinni and grilled chicken sausage was wonderful. YUM. I want some more NOW. And then we went downtown for frozen yogurt and people watching.

After my mini-break down on Monday (at least it was a good cry), the week was kind of up and down. I think the storm has passed. I sure hope so any ways.

I am so glad that I have gotten back into the pool. It is an hour where I can let go of all the stress and just focus on the stroke. I am physically tired after my workouts, which is nice compared to the emotional weariness I have been experiencing lately.

Tonight I swam extra hard (by the time I got out of the pool I didn't think my arms were attached to my body anymore), but I knew it was bath night. I soaked for 45 minutes in a tub of hot water and espom salt. It was lovely. I made it a little more special by munching on havarti cheese and wheat thins. I also watched a bit of mindless television while I lounged.

Now I am throughly relaxed and ready for bed. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday.

I want to give up

Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will continue it on until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Life is crumbling down around me. I am so stressed and anxious that I am physically ill. I am tiring so hard to do everything right that I am making more mistakes. I feel like I stand alone.

I spent my 20 minutes of meditation in tears. Where is God? He is suppose to be strong when I am weak. And I am weak at this moment. He is suppose to be my Comfort and Strong Tower where I can take refuge. How am I suppose to face tomorrow? Just because He lives does not help me know how to deal with the stuff I face.

If He started a good work in me and is continuing it, then why do I feel like such a failure?

Thankful Thursday #21

I am struggling with not letting the bad of the week overshadow the good. So this is short.

I had an absolute wonderful massage on Tuesday. I wish I could feel like that every day.

My swimming workout is going well and I am sleeping better.

This week has gone quickly. It's been productive.

Psalm of Confession

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5

Since starting on this journey to total submission I have noticed that I am I quicker to recognize sin in my life and also more likely to truly confess (not just the Oh sorry God I shouldn't have done that). I can feel the separation that the sin has caused and want to repair the relationship with God. I am also more like to think about the attitude behind the sin. The why I committed the sin and not just the action.

I had trouble settling my mind tonight. I don't know if it was the harder workout if it was the plain fact that I was spending 20 minutes in confession. I wondered also if maybe I am not truly ready to repent from the sin.

Thankful Thursday #20

It has been a pretty good week. I went to 2 movies this week. I had girls' night with my niece. It was the last week of school for my niece and nephew so now there will be more time just for fun aunt stuff. I did my swimming workout for the second week. I felt great afterwards. My niece and nephew had their spring sing at church. It is always fun watching the little kids perform.

Who am I?

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139:13-14.

Who did God make me to be? I am who He created? I don't know. I have never really struggled with God's will for my life. I have always had the attitude: If this isn't the path you want me on for my life then close the door. As long as the door remained opened I continued the path.

I am still struggling with what to do about my Ph.D. Do I finish it? Do I not? Is that door still opened? If not, is it locked or can I reopen it? I don't know what to do.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

I want God to let me know what is the plan for me. I know I should be content with just knowing what the next step is, but right now I don't know if I even know what the next step is. I am confused; I don't know what to think any more. I feel God has gone mute on this point. I have been rehashing it for several weeks. Am I rationalizing, trying to say God doesn't want me to continue out of fear? Or is this something that I need to let go of and forget about? What did God foresee happening in my life when he looked upon my unformed body?

Thankful Thursday #19

Last weekend was Mother's Day. It was a great weekend hanging out with my Mom. I was the good daughter - I made dinner and I even remembered a present.

I took my dogs to my parents' house last Saturday to start working on introducing my dogs to their dogs. Hopefully, when I go to Europe this summer my puppies will be able to stay with Mom and Dad. It would save me so much money if I didn't have to board them. Also I don't think my dogs will feel as abandoned.

Monday, I started a new swimming workout. It was fabulous. I found a website that will tailor programs to my skill and activity level. I have a little trouble pacing myself because I still think I can swim like I did 20 years ago when I competed. One day I might be able to, but not the first day back in the pool after a 5 year absence. I slept beautifully Monday night. I only woke up a little stiff and only really my arms bothered me.

Confused part 2

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledment of God rather than burnt offerings. Hosea 6:6

This verse goes sort of with last week's verse. The two have popped in my head several times in the past week. It seemed at one point some clarity was coming, but alas I still wasn't sure what it all meant. Tonight, I read all of chapter 6. What caught my attention was verse 3 "acknowledge God, press on to acknowledg God." It reminded me of the verse that started me down this path - Be still and know I am God.

In both Hosea and Micah, it is mentioned that Israel is arrogant. As I sat meditating  I was brought back to once again whether I should finish my Ph.D. or not. I thought about why I started the program. It was to prove my self-worth. I will admit I have often thought my secterial position is beneath me. Though I don't care if I use my Ph.D. I wanted it because it proved something. It is a points of pride. I thought about my current position. I could be very content in it. Things have improved that I no longer dread going to work. And if I would do my work; it would be something to be proud of.

Before I entered the Ph.D. program, I dated a guy who thought just about everything out of my mouth was illogical; any arguments I made were senseless. It is no wonder I stopped trying to open up to him and he thought there was nothing "below the surface." I have worth whether I have a Ph.D. or not. I am worthy because God created me and declare it good.

When I got to the last step of my Ph.D. that is when I faltered. I was continually told to go back through my dissertation. I started "hearing" it isn't good enough; you are not good enough. Then I did the presentation - and there was more criticism. I started thinking may the guy was right, maybe I can't make a logical argument, maybe I am not capable of deeply thinking about a subject. In the midst of this I was dealing with other situations that made feel like a failure. My depression was becoming worse and I gave up on finishing my Ph.D.

I wanted to stand before man and be declared right. I can stand before God in rightness solely because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I do not need man's approval.

Do I need to finish? I don't know. Will it just make be prideful? That is not what God wants. Will it make me more discontent with my current circumstances? Possibly. What does God want me to do? I am not sure in respect to my Ph.D. I know that He wants me to acknowledge Him. To have a close, intimate, meaningful relationship with Him.

Thankful Thursday #18

It has been another great week. I think I mentioned that I am trying to start a side business. I had my first client and a lot of hits on that blog. Hopefully more people will contact me about the services I am offering.

I went to a comedy show tonight. It was hilarious. I was really happy that a couple of friends were able to come with me.

I finally went to the gym and signed up. It is a cheap membership and I should have done it a long time ago. I am going to try to get back into swimming.

Confused...

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

I am not sure what God is trying to tell me with this verse. The passage it comes from begins with a trial of sorts. The Lord is bringing charges against Israel. Then it moves to what must one do to pay for their sins. They mention burnt offerings and other sacrifices; it goes as far as wondering if they must offer their first born, the fruit of their bodies. None of those sacrifices would have wiped all their sin: past, present, and future - a way. No the only sacrifice that truly paid for our transgressions is the blood of Jesus Christ.

When I looked up the verse there was a cross reference to Hosea 6:6 that said that God preferred loyalty to sacrifice; knowledge of God to burnt offerings. I think I am going to read Hosea.

There is a side note in my Bible in reference to Micah 6:8 "Micah's most famous pronouncement summarizes the qualities that matter to God, Jesus spoke in simalar terms to the Pharisees's about their religous hypocrisy: they gave a tenth of even their spices to God, yet they neglected justice, mercy, and faithfulness (Matthew 23:23)"

Hmm....  Is this meant to be affirmation or condemnation? I did miss my meditation a couple of weeks ago, Was this verse suppose to help me realize that I do not have to keep a rigid schedule? Or maybe it is to point out that I am keeping too much of a schedule - Only meditate on Mondays, only thankful on Thursdays? Am I doing the "religious thing" and missing out on the relationship? Am I preoccupied with being perfect, following the "law" that I am missing the important things?

I don't know, but it definitely warrants consideration.

Thankful Thursday #17

So I forgot to post last night. After I took my bubble bath, I drifted through the rest of the evening until I slipped into a peaceful slumber. So no bad reason for not posting. It has actually been a great week. Work went quickly. I had a lovely time with dinner and a movie with my niece and nephew Tuesday. Thursday was my Friday (which might add to the reason I forgot to post). I had a wonderful walk at the park after work where I did express gratitude to God for His beautiful creation. It was a good week, a short week, and now on to the weekend!

I Don't Want To

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The last couple days this verse has been floating through my head. At church we are going through a series about Every Christian a Witness. This week's topic was about telling our story/testimony. I have been praying for a friend for opportunities to share my faith and I think it is finally time to sit down and tell her why I choose to be a Christian. So I thought the verse was an apt one to meditate on tonight. I thought my time would be affirming, uplifting, strengthening.

I thought about this verse all evening. While I was grocery shopping, while walking the dogs, while fixing supper. Sometime during walking the dogs and fixing supper it dawned on me that maybe God want to talk about something else. My first response - No, I don't want to hear it. I just want it to be about giving my testimony.

Well, God did have something else in mind for tonight. No sooner had I knelt on the floor and started repeating the verse that He took over. I immediately focused on all things. It doesn't mean just the spiritual things He has called me to, but the everyday life things.

I have been putting off finishing my Ph.D. I know it is something I will regret 5 - 10 years from now even though I have no clue what I want to do with it.

When it was obvious that I couldn't push this aside I wanted to just get up and stop meditating. I immediately felt deflated. I might have even pouted a little (or maybe a lot). I know had I not been kneeling I would have stomped my foot as I clearly told God I. Don't. Want. To.

I don't know if I can ignore it any longer. I am warring with myself. My desire to submit to God in all things versus my absolute fear of facing my committee.

I just want to cry.

Thankful Thursday #16

Those who read my blog regularly may have noticed I did not do my Meditative Monday blog. The reason: I did not meditate on Monday. I was sick this week. I am thankful that I serve a God who is more concerned with my heart's condition than the routine acts. Though I did not formally meditate I did  have opportunities during my convalescences to think about who God is. I experienced God this week through the rest He provided, the calmness and peace He bestowed upon my during my minor illness. Though I was unable to keep the appointment God still met me,

This past weekend I went up to my alma mater and met up with my college buddies. Some of them I have not seen since graduation. It was a great time just to enjoy each others company once again and catch up with what has happened in each others lives the last 10 years.

I am trying to start a side business of sorts. Right now all it is is me writing a blog, but I have already made a little bit of money from the ad revenue and traffic to the site is picking up. I have some really great ideas that I hope come to fruition. It called Opportunity's Knocking; it's a career planning resource

Thankful Thursday #15

It has been a good week. Last Friday night I enjoyed hanging out with my church family. I got to play Pay Day (I haven't played that since I was a child) and talk to some people that I don't often get the chance to.

On Saturday, I took the dogs to one of my favorite nature trails. It was beautiful and the perfect weather - not too hot, but not too chilly either. The pollen was still down from the rain a few days prior. A friend came a long with me and was able to snap a few pictures of my pups. Charlie is terrified of the camera so I was hoping that being in an open space would help.

The work week has been good. I have been able to get some papers off my desk so things are becoming more organized. That's a good thing. When my desk is disorganized my life feels disorganized.

Tuesday was a long day. I was exhausted from not having slept well and just had a case of the blahs. I came home and decided to go down to the local park to walk the dogs. It was peaceful and a great way to decompress. Though sounds of little league games, family cheers, and chirping birds mixed together to provide the perfect atmosphere. The walking trail at the park is a pretty one. It was God's way of giving me comfort during a down kind of day. I thank Him for the wonderful gift.

Something's brewing

I have learned to be content in all circumstances. Philippians 4:11

There is an unsettling deep within my soul. I can feel but cannot name. Is it discontentment or some unidentified struggle waiting to emerge when God knows I'm ready to handle it? Either is possible.

I know there are circumstances in my life that I am not happy with. There are a lot of "I want" statements flowing out of my heart, but what do I need?

Struggles and confusion are within me as well. I re-read the chapter on the discipline of submission in Foster's Celebration of Discipline. I have questions. Not sure how to incorporate some of the ideas into my life. I feel challenged in areas where I know I am not submitting.

There is a battle between spirit and flesh brewing within me. The new man is fighting the old man. I am not sure where I stand in the battle. Am I in midst or do I stand on the sidelines as an observer. Today, I was chatting with some friends and mentioned a personality test I took in college that determined introvert/extrovert and rule follower/rule breaker (there was a term for this but I can't remember it). I scored almost right dap in the middle of the chart just slightly on the side of introvert and rule follower. But the extrovert, rebellious side of me is standing ready to come forth with the slightest nudge. The extrovertness isn't bad; it can be quite helpful in certain circumstances. My rebellious side can be dangerous. While it helps me to determine "rules" that may be unjust, it also leaves me wanting to push the envelop. I have joked that I am rebellious within societal norms. Maybe this is what the struggle I feel is about.

I take comfort, just as I had found last week, even though I do not understand and cannot make others understand what is going on in my head and within my heart, God understands. His understanding is beyond measure. I lean not on my own understanding, but His.

Thankful Thursday #14

I had a great Easter weekend.

On Friday night, my niece and I had a girls night out. We had pedicures done so out toes would be pretty for Sunday. We also had dinner out and did a little shopping. I bought a new pair of shoes that I absolutely love (which is saying a lot because I hate shoe shopping). Then we game home and watched a movie.

On Saturday, I went with my sister and the kids to an Easter egg hunt and picnic. The weather was absolutely beautiful. So when I got home I laid out on my back deck to get some sun and just enjoy the day.

On Sunday, I attended a wonderful worship service with almost my whole family. My nephew was baptized and then we all headed to Mom and Dad's for lunch. Later that evening when I was at home I again sat on my back deck. The weather was just perfect the sun was starting to go down and there was a gentle breeze. The pollen had made my eyes gunky so I closed them to just enjoy the sounds and feel of nature and peacefully slumbered for about 30 minutes.

The work week has gone pretty well. I am finally able to see parts of desk as a unearth it from the piles of paperwork that has been accumulating.

Today we had a nice rain. The pollen has been horrendous. I keep my windows open and I have a nice film of yellow pollen on most surfaces. But the rain today has clear the air and everything outside looks clean (now if I could only hose down the inside of my house).

Is this a test?

...His understanding has no limit. Psalm 147:5

This past week I have felt like God is laughing at me. I know He is not, well maybe trying to hide a chuckle. I wanted to be angry with God, but I knew He was right so it kind of took the fire out it.

It seems no sooner had I pledge to surrender my life completely to Him (see this post) that God is testing to see if I am truthful. I knew when I made the pledge that God would challenge me, push me to my limits. I didn't think it would be so soon.

This week I am faced with a decision. Can I put away my desire in order to do Kingdom work? Can I trust God to protect me? I think this is an excerise in trust. When I surrendered myself on Palm Sunday I knew that meant God could do whatever and that when faced with the path He has chosen for me I might balk at it. But I know He is beside me.

Tonight's meditation brought that truth to light. When I say God is laughing at me I don't think He is being mean. It is more like the chuckle that a parent has trouble hiding when their child doesn't quite get what is going on. God's understanding knows no limit. He cares for me beyond measure. He understand greater than I do how much of the struggle this path will be for me. But I also have confidence that I can resist the temptation (I have struggled this week with whether or not I am rationalizing my actions so that I get my way).

This situation is in God's hands. I have sought Godly counsel and I was told to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. All I can do is take the next step for as of right now I do believe that God has a plan for putting me in this situation. I am not sure what that plan is or truly how to proceed. But taking one step will either lead me through the open door or close it to me. I must not rush 10 steps ahead and get lost in the what ifs my mind wants to create. I can only trust that God will lead my steps.

Happy Easter!

We sang this song and I really like it, but today it really spoke to me as we celebrated the risen Lord.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh

fulness of God in helpless babe!

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,

the wrath of God satisfied -

for every sin on Him was laid;

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again!

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine -

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,

This is the power of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath.

Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till he returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I stand.

Thankful Thursday #13

This has been such an up and down week. I have been emotional (probably hormonal), but still there have been good things.

Friday afternoon and Saturday was spent at a Ladies Retreat in the mountians. It was beautiful and warm enough to enjoy the surrounding nature.

I have been having trouble staying asleep the last 3 weeks maybe but the last two nights I have slept through the night. I have stayed up a little later, but I am enjoying the uninterrupted sleep. Hopefully soon I will be back to a full 8 hours sleep.

The weather has been absolutely beautiful. I love the temps being in the 80s.

I did some retail therapy today at my favorite store. The good cry I had the other night help release some of the tension I have been feeling but the shopping but a spring back into my step.

It's pointless

Until I get back into reading and study the Bible my Monday meditations are kind of pointless. I couldn't find anything to meditate on tonight. I thought about meditating on the passage about the last supper, it being Holy Week and all. While looking for it I read about Jesus washing the feet of His disciples and how he truly demonstrated a servant heart. I skimmed the chapter on submission in hopes of finding something. I briefly meditated on Mark 8:34 - deny yourself. I could not settle my mind on anything. So I thought perhaps I was suppose to once again just be still and know He is God. It was focusing on this once again that I realized I felt distant. That there was an invisible barrier between us. And that I am not going to make any progress until I get back into studying the Word of God for myself. I felt disappointment wash over me. Yes, my God will forgive me for this failure, but I cannot seek His forgiveness unless I am willing to repent. I feel disappointed in myself, but not discouraged.

my life is His

Today at church we had the Lord's Supper. It was quite the emotional time for me. As is customary for me I confessed any sin that I had yet to confess. Today I asked for forgiveness for my part in the incident that occurred Wednesday night.

After taking my bread chip, I began to pray as others were served. I remembered that it represents the body of Christ which was broken. He submitted to death for me, but His power and strength were able to overcome death. Remembering His sacrifice and submission I want to more fully submit to Him. I know what I desire, but it is still scary to imagine what God can do with my surrendered life. But when I remembered Jesus's strength to overcome death and that His strength lives with in me I can submit to Him fully. Also, He will be beside me the entire way, holding my hand. He will never push me further than He knows I can handle. Will he push hard, sometimes, as I will need to be stretched in order to reach my potential.

The thought of the love and care He shows me brought a smile to my face though I had tears clinging to my eyelashes.

Then I took the cup, again, I prayed. I remembered that this represents the blood of Christ, shed for me so that my sins may be washed away and I will shine whiter than snow. Through His blood, I become His radiant bride  - pure and unblemished in His eyes.  My life is Yours, Lord. It is Yours, Jesus. I am Yours, Master

With this thought a single tear dropped from one of my closed eyes and then one from the other eye. As these two tears slowly rolled down my cheek I smiled brightly as I pledged that I am His.

I am completely and totally Yours, Master.

Lessons learned, thoughts provoked

So I went on a Ladies Retreat this weekend (well Friday night and most of today). The theme was Spiritual Boot Camp. The material used was from a book that I did a much more lengthy study on previously so there wasn't much meat to the weekend as I had hoped. But it was good none the less. The book is Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. I had forgotten that there was chapter on submission so I plan of rereading it. I do have some parting thoughts from this weekend that I wanted to remember so I thought I would put it here.

• Submission is a spirit with which we view other people, not an attempt to set forth a series of hierarchical relationships but to communicate an inner attitude of mutual subordination.
• Submission is the ability to lay down the burden of always needing to get our own way.
• We submit to God, scripture, family, neighbors, believing community (the Church), the broken and despised, and the world (be a responsible member in an increasingly irresponsible society).
• Service is not a list of things we do but a way of living
• Self-righteous service comes through human effort. True service comes from a relationship with God deep inside.
• Serve out of whispered promptings, there is no difference between big and small acts, free from the need to calculate results, not based on a feeling or a mood. It is a lifestyle not an act.

At the end we were asked to write down a few things we thought God taught us this weekend. At first I wasn't sure if I learned anything, but as I reflected on the weekend I was reminded of a few things.

• During my time of meditation - it is ok to sit with what I am told (I caught myself wondering what I am going to blog about, how am I going to put into comprehendable words and sentences what I am experiencing/learning during my meditation.)
• I need a deeper understanding of my role in submission (hence I am going to reread the chapter of the discipline of submission)
• To once again find joy in solitude. (Since living alone it has been increasingly more difficult to find peace and joy in moments of true solitude. Instead I usually feel depressed. But I can remember the spiritual high I could get from "hiding" out on a weekend during college and I want that again.)

I have started to feel stagnate in my submission and hopefully as I continue to reflect on the weekend I will be able to take another step towards total surrender to God.

Thankful Thursday #12

It is very difficult to write this blog tonight. There was an incident last night that quickly sent me into the beginnings of my depression. I have tried to fight against all day and a busy day at work helped, but late afternoon was difficult.

I am thankful for some great people that I have met in a chatroom. After the incident happened last night I just wanted to talk to my chat friends. They make me smile. And they did try to raise my spirits one person even got me to smile.

I am thankful for comfort food. When I left work today I so needed a soda. So I had a frozen pizza and a cherry Dr. Pepper. It made me feel better.

I am thankful that I have been really trying to get my house in order. I am not done spring cleaning I have 2 rooms left but my house is so much tidier than it has been. I was able to use 3 evenings this week to get the house tidied up for a friend who is coming over. I am thankful that God gave me a plan on Monday on how to go about accomplishing the cleaning chores I needed to get done before Friday.

In preparation

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

On the Jewish calendar, holidays and Sabaths begin at sundown the night before. Why? I was once told it was so they could prepare their hearts and minds for worship. By sundown all the physical things would be taken care of (meals prepared, house clean, laundry done, etc) so that they could begin focusing their minds on the true meaning of holiday or Sabath.

I need a time for preparation. I am going on a Ladies Retreat this weekend. It is entitled Spiritual Bootcamp. It sounds like something I need. But in order to get anything out of the weekend I need to do  a little work before hand. So tonight when I sat down to meditate I thought about what this weekend would mean to me. What did I hope to get out of it? I want God to show up. I have heard this phrase often in church settings, which is actually kind of silly. We are told where 2 or more are gathered God will be also. So I think when I say I want God to show up I am really saying I want to see, feel, hear, smell, taste the presence of the Lord this weekend. I am going into this weekend seeking God's face. I am promised that if I seek Him I will find Him.

Just as Jews prepare for their time to worship in advance so should I prepare to meet with my God this weekend. I prayed that God would prepare me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There stuff I need to get done before I leave on Friday. Things that if left undone will nag at my all weekend causing my attention to be divided. I know that typically during my time of meditation I try to keep myself from coming up with to do lists, but tonight was different. I have a friend staying at my house overnight Friday so that I don't have to board the dogs. Well my house isn't exactly clean. I have been doing intensive spring cleaning one room each weekend which means the other rooms are a bit more neglected than usual. Add to it that I didn't get any cleaning done this past weekend because I went to a thrift sale, my niece's birthday party and was at church almost the entire day Sunday. And speaking of the thrift sale, I got a bunch of great things for the house, but I haven't exactly found a place for it all so it is piled up in the living room. During my meditation an action plan of sorts formed in my head. At first I wanted to push it out of my head but then I remembered that I prayed for God to help me prepare. I have to say after my meditation time I was able get get all the thrift sale stuff put away (except for the 3 ft x 3 ft mirror that is suppose to go in my bathroom because I can't carry it up the stairs by myself). I stripped my niece's and nephew's beds. I tidied up the downstairs bedroom and vacuumed the bedroom and living room.  I still have stuff to do but it seems so much more manageable to get done in the next 2 days.

I am tired. I have not slept well in days. I go to bed early but I cannot stay asleep. I have a massage scheduled for Wednesday. I hope that relaxing my muscles will give me better rest.

As for spiritually preparing, the only thing I can do is make sure that I confuse my sins so that nothing is standing between me and God. God will have to do the rest.

To mentally and emotionally prepare... I think being physically prepared will go a long way in reducing stress and distraction.

Thankful Thursday #11

I have been quite the social butterfly this week. The family celebrated my Dad's birthday on Monday. It was the first chance we had since it snowed on his actually birthday. It was a great time just hanging out with the family at one of our favorite restaurants. My niece is so sweet. We ordered a 3 dip appetizer, but she knows that her brother doesn't really like any of the dips so she asked if we could also get his favorite cheese dip.

On Tuesday, I had my haircut. I have been growing it out for 3 years so I could donate it. I grew it longer than I have ever had it. I have donated it one time before and I decided it need to be longer this time so it wouldn't be so short. I absolutely love my new hair. I have also had a bunch of complements which just makes me feel good.

Wednesday is church night. We had a family style meeting after supper to discuss priorities in the church. We are developing our 5 - 10 year strategic plan. It was a good time with lots of great suggestions made.

Tonight I went for coffee with a friend (I don't actually drink coffee, but it seems hot chocolate at at coffee house always taste better than what I make at home) and we discussed starting a new Sunday school class at our church. It is a burden I have had for a number of years and it finally seems to be the right time to launch it.

The weather is gorgeous and it was only about 1 mile to the coffee shop so I walked from work. I used the time to talk to God and reflect on the things He has been teaching me. I think for the first time in my life I am truly seeing the transforming power of God. Sure I have felt His presence in my life and seen Him work in situations I have faced, but to actually see my life changing (might not be the words I am looking for) is possibly a first. I feel so close to Him. I am not good at putting my emotions into words. I have read several blogs that describe what I am feeling when the person is talking about their relationship with their husband. And I was thinking during my walk, their relationship is temporary. Death will eventually separate them. But the relationship I have with God will only become more perfect once I leave this world and I couldn't help but smile and rejoice a little at that thought.

Guidance requested

...Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God... Isaiah 9:6

My time tonight with God started when I was walking the dogs. I often pray when walking the dogs. Since the purpose of the walk is to get the dogs to go the bathroom it is a relaxing time. We just meander around the neighborhood, stopping at every shrub, tree, and mailbox post.

Before we left the house I was thinking about what I would meditate on tonight. I felt like I needed guidance. I immediately started thinking about what verses/passages spoke of guidance and I also thought about what key words could I use to find what I was looking for in a concordance. Counselor came to mind and automatically Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God pops into my head. As I walk the dogs I ask God to give me guidance. A friend has confided in me about a situation she is in and is distressed about. I don't think my friend is a Christian. When she first told me I had know idea what to say or do. I was honest with her and told that I didn't know how to help, but that I would listen.

I have thought about her and the situation since she told me and I wish I had words of advice or encouragement to give her. I told this to God. I have also been praying for this friend for a while about sharing Christ with her. I feel now is the time. I am a conversation planner so immediately start thinking of how to start this conversation. We eat lunch almost everyday together and we are possibly going out tomorrow evening after work. I asked God how was I to start this conversation. The why I was thinking seemed lame and possibly confrontational. Then God reminded me of a situation while not identical did leave me with the same emotions that she is dealing with. She is aware of the situation, but I don't think she knows the situation since it happened before we met.

I was still going over in my mind the details and how to share the situation with her to be most effective when I came in to meditate. Immediately upon kneeling my mind quieted. I barely even had to think Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God to focus my mind. I realized after quite some time that there were no thoughts - I was completely still in mind and body. Of course as soon as it dawned on me my mind started whirling. I repeated the verse a few times. I also thought about Isaiah 11:2 and asked that the Spirit of wisdom and knowledge, the Spirit of counsel and strength be bestowed upon me when I go to talk to my friend. However, the peace and stillness that I experienced in the beginning of my time did not return.

God knew that I needed to still my mind. If I allow myself to put the conversation together too much I either wind up talking myself in circles and lose the point or I become so focused on how the conversation should go that if the "moment" does not present itself exactly as I pictured it I will never start the conversation in real life.

I need to work on patiences during my time of meditation. This is only the second week that I have meditated for 20 minutes and this week it felt long. It could have to do with all the silence and stillness I was experience or maybe it is because I am so stiff after all the housework I did this weekend I felt like Rice Krispies this morning (my back snapped, crackled, and popped when I got out of bed). Maybe it was because I felt that God had told me what He wanted and so I no longer needed to sit there - nah, I needed the stillness. Though part of me still feels the need to plan the conversation; I am content with waiting for it to just happen because of that 20 minutes of stopping and focusing on God.

Thankful Thursday #10

Spring has seemed to have arrived this week in my part of the world. We had a glorious weekend. I was able to get some much needed yard work done and enjoy copious amounts of sunshine. Even the rain we have had the last two days hasn't been too bad.

I was able to go on a long, relaxing walk with my dogs on Tuesday because it was just the right temperature and it isn't getting dark so early.

I have never been more grateful for the saving grace of Jesus and the loving God I serve. A friend today shared a struggle she has with me. If I was not a Christian, following Jesus, I could see myself in her situation. Thank you Jesus for saving me at such a young age. I have no idea what to say to her as I am not completely sure of her religious views. I am not sure the words of comfort that I would speak would be understood or appreciated by her. Thank you God for the love and comfort you provide when I face trials and tribulations.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presences of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

It is starting to look and feel like spring. This is a time of new life and hope, but for me it is often the time my depression hits the hardest. Why? Maybe because I see all the new life and realize that I am still in the same place as always. It is also the time when my heart was broken; my shame revealed.

I have been reflecting some this past week on why I fall to depression so much during this time of renewal. This was about the time last year that began my walk through a dark valley in my life. I have been reminded of this Psalm during this week of reflection. At first I was like "What God? This is a Psalm for funerals." I am most familiar with Psalm 23:4 being worded "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." And this is the Psalm that is read at most funerals. However this week when I have thought about this verse it has been the valley of darkness. I thought whatever it's just my translation. But tonight when I looked up Psalm 23 there is a footnote that says that it can be translated the darkest valley. I refer to my depression last year as a time of darkness. And though I did not always feel God's presence I know He was there.

Today I was ... at peace. It is a strange feeling. Today is a furlough day for me so I was not paid for today. Typically, I should be worrying about not having that day's pay, particulary since my savings account has dipped below what I am comfortable with it having.  Or maybe angry because I am paid from a different source of funds which had money available to pay me. But it didn't really cross my mind. This is my 5th furlough day in the fiscal year and so far I have been able to cover my bills without any problems. I haven't really noticed the missing money.

I shouldn't have been at peace today. It was a beautiful day and I spent most of it doing yard work. Typically I become upset, discontent, even overwhelmed when doing yard work. My yard needs a lot of work. I grudgingly do it usually grumbling about wishing I had a husband to help me or anyone to help me for that matter; it's just too much for one person. But today I didn't. I had the fleeting thought when I thought about how I hadn't thought that today.

Instead, today I wanted to praise my God. I wanted to worship Him. I wanted to adore Him. I wanted to sit in His presence and just be. No words needed to be exchanged; I just wanted to sit at His feet, maybe rest my head upon His knee and enjoy being in His presence.

Since I have apparently graduated to meditating on whole passages I increased my meditation time to 20 minutes. I started out with the beginning of the passage because today while outside that is what I was thinking about. I felt cared for, provided for. Then I felt the need to just say thank you over and over. Finally I started thanking God for the various verses from this passage I could remember.

Thank you for being my Shepherd so that I do not want.

Thank you for the green pastures to lie in.

Thank you for the calm waters.

Thank you, even though I have walked through the dark valley, I did not need to fear.

Thank you for the comfort of Your rod and staff.

Thank you for preparing me a table.

Thank you for the goodness and love in my life.

Thank you that I will dwell in Your house forever.

To Tell or Not to Tell

I was in a chat room the other night when someone was asking about a fellow chatter who wasn't present. I had been in the room earlier when others were asking also about that same chatter. I gathered from the conversation that the chatter in question had been removed from the room due to a violation. So later that night when the person was being asked about again I replied that earlier in the day I had heard he had been removed from the room. Of course people wanted to know why. I knew the reason that I had seen others post, but I was not there when the incident happened so I decided that I shouldn't relay that info. I was reminded that on my list of rules I am not to spread gossip (Rule #5) and had I told them what I had heard second hand that would have been gossip. I told the room that I was not comfortable sharing second hand info and they all said that was fine. The subject was dropped.

It is interesting how in real life it is so easy to get wrapped up in gossip. I always thought that when I participated in gossip that I was doing it to be accepted. But when I sat there debating whether to tell these people what I had heard I realized that often I gossip just because I am not thinking. I don't think I even take the time to rationalize why I am telling people what I know. It seems that it is a case of someone asked a question and I know the answer. That's the nice thing about chat rooms you usually have a little time to think about your response (at least the amount of time it takes you to type it). But there are the times when I am not asked but I volunteer the answer anyways. You know those statements that usually start off "Guess what I heard".

I still need to work on obey this rule and being mindful of the words coming out of my mouth, but it was nice to see that having the rules in place did help me make the right decision and I didn't feel the need to try to bend the rule. I guess progress is being made.

Thankful Thursday #9

I am a bit under the weather tonight so I am so very thankful that tomorrow is Friday. I only have to make it through tomorrow which might be a bit stressful as we have a grant proposal going out the door, but we are also hosting the department's monthly gathering so it will be nice to be able to knock off work a little early.

Last week was the last of the Upward games. My girls did so well with their dance routine. They all hit it!

I went to the annual library book sale. I found some rather old books (published in the 1930s). I wasn't familar with the titles or the authors but they still looked cool. One day when I have my home library I will have some really old books on the shelf.

It seems like something really great happened earlier in the week, but now I can't remember. Right now the whole week is kind of fuzzy. Maybe when I am feeling better I will remember and I can come back to add it.

Have I grown up?

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. Hebrews 5: 12


Tonight's meditation was a challenge; instead of a single verse I meditate more on a passage. The verse above pretty much summarizes Hebrews 5:11-14. It is something I have thought about since hearing a sermon on Feb. 21.

On Dec. 14, I had my wisdom teeth removed. If you have had this procedure done you know that for the first day or so you cannot eat solid food. Due to a minor complication (I had a "significant" bone fragment in my gum - the doctor's words, it was large and painful - my words), I did not eat true solid food for over a week. I pretty much had only Carnation instant breakfasts for every meal for a week and the second week I was still drinking at least 2 instant breakfasts a day. Two weeks after the surgery the swelling was down enough to discover the bone fragment which was promptly removed and my eating habits quickly returned to normal.

Instant breakfast is basically formula for adults. I drink them fairly regularly for breakfast during the work week because they are quick and provide me with enough protein to make it to lunch. But to live off them solely is not enough. It does not sustain me. I lost at least 5 pounds the first week (I don't own a scale and I happened to be at my sister's house a week after the surgery). I was exhausted, absolutely no energy. I went back to work less than 24 hours after my surgery (please don't try this at home. I don't really remember the drive to work on that Tuesday). So my daily activities remained the same for the week following the surgery. Thankfully I was on holiday after that.

Remembering my time of subsisting basically on milk alone and how I was not satisfied (I was hungry all the time) I thought about how it is with the Christian life. Just as adults after eating solid food cannot not live again on milk alone, mature Christians cannot be satisfied by merely being fed the word of God once they have delved deeper into their own personal study. Last year, I attempted to survive only on spiritual milk, relying on Bible study teachers and the preacher to provide my nourishment. However, I had already matured past the point where milk would sustain me. I was eating solid food. "acquainted with the teaching about righteousness" (Hebrews 5:13) and "trained [myself] to distinguish good from evil" Hebrew 5:14.

When I knelt to meditate tonight I was debating whether I was still a baby requiring milk or if indeed I am spiritually mature and need meat to sustain me. I knew the answer so I asked why do I need to contemplate these two verses. Then I focused on "the elementary truths of God's word" (Hebrews 5:12). Though I no longer require someone to teach me the fundamental truths of my faith and I still need to be reminded of them and study them. Much like though I am an adult I still need milk to ensure a healthy diet.

I felt reassured about my Christian growth, but also convicted to return to solid food. My personal Bible study has still been lacking. My Meditative Mondays have helped me to at least open my Bible 1 day a week, but this is like the occasional baked potato, banana, or Frosty that I ate during my recovery. They provided an increase in calories and nutrients, but not enough to increase my energy level or give me the feeling of being full like a Five Guys cheeseburger and fries did. During the sermon that got me thinking about this we were challenged to read John by the end of March. Again going along with the analogy that I should still drink milk although I have moved to solid foods. Often new Christians are encouraged to read through John as the basics of the faith are well outlined in the book.  I am going to take the challenge since where I left off with my Bible reading last year isn't exactly the most exciting part of the Bible (I was in Ezekiel where he is given the blueprints for the temple).

One last thing to say about my meditation on Hebrews 5:11-14 is probably the one true thought that came to me during the 15 minutes (the rest of the above I have been thinking about for the past week). When this thought entered my head my eyes popped open and my head jerked up (I have found it comfortable to meditate in the yoga position known as child's pose). Remember a few weeks ago I wondered if maybe God was trying to tell me something I wasn't ready to hear? Well I think He told me it today and since I was focused on something else my guard was down and He slipped it in. In probably the last minute or two of my time I was brought back to the first part of verse 12 "you ought to be teachers..." Uh, Uh, WHAT!?

I love my small group teachers. I love sitting under their teaching. I learn and am challenged every week by them. I am not too happy with my small group. Though we have a few more permanent members most are transient since they are in graduate school. I have been with my group for the last ten years. No one remains from the first day I attended the group (well one of the teachers is now back after taking a break for several years). Many of them are 5 - 10 years younger than me. It has been discussed to start a class for singles in their 30s, but finding a teacher for adult small groups is difficult. A year and a half or two years ago I started thinking if we can get members I guess I could teach it. I have the personality that if no one else will step up I will. I didn't really feel called, but I knew we would need a teacher. I am scared to teach a new class; if we can't make it work I will think it is all my fault. I wasn't called then and if I had stepped up it would have failed when I experienced my valley of darkness. Maybe God is calling me now.  From the things that I have learned the past two months about who God is, His will, and submission to Him, that whether the group suceeds or fails is NOT reliant on my ability as a teacher, but on my trust and willingness to obey God.

Thankful Thursday #8

In last week's post I was thankful for the snowstorm we had and this week I am thankful for the sunny 60 degree days we had over the weekend. Only in the south can you see that great a change in the weather between days. The weekend was beautiful. After the Upward game I came home and spent 2 hours working in the yard, picking up limbs from the snowstorm and trimming a holly bush (those things are prickly).

Speaking of Upward, my cheerleading squad had its last practice tonight. I think the girls had a lot of fun this season; I know I did. We have our last game on Saturday and we will be doing the pom pom routine at halftime. We have worked on this routine all season.

Upward has given me an opportunity to invite my coworkers to a church activity. I have been talking all season about my 6 and 7 year old girls and how we are going to do the pom pom routine this week. At least 3 of my coworkers have agreed to come to the game. It is exciting and gives me warm fuzzies knowing that they normally wouldn't come to a church event but will come in support of me.

In Need of Comfort

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28

Things at work are getting rough. Just one of those times when nothing seems to be going right. All I wanted to do today was come home, curl up in a ball, and pull the covers over my head. I did not want to do my meditation tonight. I told God I was too tired to learn anything tonight. Then I remembered that I am to bring all my worries and anxiety to Him (Rule #14). Then I was reminded that God will give me rest. I know last week I talked some about not submitting just for the rewards, but I do not serve a harsh taskmaster, but a loving God. He is my Creator, my Provider, my Sustainer. I am promised in Matthew 11:30 that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. An interesting cross reference is 1 John 3 This is love for God: to obey His commands. And His commands are not burdensome.

It would be nice if God could just take the problems away, but I know that they will be there tomorrow when I get to work (and they could possibly be worse). Therefore, I prayed for strength to face them. I also asked for rest. During the 15 minutes that I meditate I think I might have dozed off towards the end. I got up from that time feeling relaxed. It is almost too hard to keep my eyes open as I type this (thankfully I don't have to look at the keyboard when I type).

When I came home I wanted to curl up and hide, but now I want to stretch out in my bed and sleep peacefully. God is good.

Thankful Thursday #7

I have decided I really like taking baths. I wish I had a bigger bath tub, but overall it is nice just to soak in the hot water with my vanilla scented candle burning and think of nothing for 30 minutes or more. I know that it isn't the most water saving activity, so I only have a bath once a week or so (it really ruins the relaxation to feel guilty about wasting water).

We had a nice little snow storm last weekend. We usually get icy snow, but last week it was all powdery and soft. I didn't get any pictures because I didn't have a camera, but the dogs and I went for a fun walk in the snow.

Each week on Facebook I announce it is Thankful Thursday and my friends comment on what they are thankful for. Well today I forgot that it was Thursday and was distracted by other things at work so I was late in posting it. A couple of people expressed concern when they didn't see it up and it is nice to know that there are people paying attention and caring.

Worst Case Scenario

Years ago a game came out called Worst Case Scenario. When I saw it advertised, I thought there is a game for me. When faced with a situation I can easily jump to the worst possible outcome. I have never played the game and a few years after it came out someone I knew had played it. You were given the scenario and you had to figure out how to survive. So maybe it isn't my kind of game. My method of surviving worst case scenarios - avoid or flee.

Ok. So everyone tries to avoid the worst case scenario. However for me it oftens means I won't try something because the outcome could be really bad. In my economic classes we talk about risk takers and those who are risk aversed. I am definitely the latter. People have mentioned I sign up with an online dating service, but I immediately think I would be the one to end up with the creepy stalker dude.

I know though that if I want to do more than live under a rock for the rest of my life that I do have to take risks. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. On occasion I can put the worst case scenario thinking aside and attempt something. I usually am more likely to take a risk with the encouragement of others. I actually like when I take a chance because it means I am living life.

On Monday, I mentioned that I need to read my rules more often. I have been thinking about the rules since then. I chose those rules. They are all biblically based, but still I had to make a decision of what 20 rules I wanted on the list. I tried to make it as inclusive of all the things I have learned and read about the Christian life and how a Christian should behave. I also chose the order they are listed in. The first 2 commands listed are the most important. I should strive to make those the 2 commands I live daily by and if I practice the other rules to the point that come naturally to me then I will only need those 2 commands. The 3rd rule probably should have been the one I listed as #10 - tell others I follow Christ. The last command Jesus gave His disciples was "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everythoing I have commanded you."

To be honest, I wanted to leave it off the rule list all together. Why? It is not because I am ashamed that I am a Christian. It is because I am scared. If it is on the list then I should do it (ok. I should do share my faith regardless if I put it on the list or not, because no matter what I know it is something I as a Christian am suppose to do). But I would see it every time I read through the list and I would be reminded of my shortcomings.

So, what am I scared of.? Why is it so hard to share my faith. I fear rejection and ridicule (probably the ridicule more so). Rejection, though I don't like it, I can live with. But to be made fun of, that is hard to bear. I remember back to Sunday school lessons of how Jesus experience both of these and probably more so than I will ever experience. There are Christians in China and muslim dominant countries that face way worse than me for claiming to be a Christian. So that is not all that holds me back from sharing. My faith is very personal to me and as I have mentioned before I have trouble sharing personal things about me with others.

So I compromised and buried the command in the middle of the list. Middle items are seldom remembered. I didn't want it too close to the top or the bottom of the list so that when I read through I can quickly pass by it. I don't remember how much of this was conscious decision at the time of making the list, but I do remember it striking me as funny that it was smack dab in the middle. I tried to tell myself that after the first 2 rules that the rest were just random, but I know myself well enough to know that I seldom do anything random.

My church off and on will emphasis evanglism. A few weeks ago in Sunday school we had a time for focusing on who we could share our faith with. We prayed that God would show us someone in our lives that we could eventually share with. During that time of prayer I kept seeing over and over again a blog that I had been reading. Prior to that Sunday I had thought about contacting the couple and sharing with them how God had used their blog in my life. From what they say on the blog I am pretty sure they are not Christians. Every time I thought about contacting them I would talk myself out of it. The Sunday we prayed I had been feeling pretty unsettled, but couldn't put my finger on it. In the week or so leading up to that Sunday I had been thinking about how I could obey rule #10. When we prayed and I saw that blog I knew what I had to do. As soon as I acknowledged it I immediately felt more at peace.

As usual for me when I decide to do something I immediately think what is the worst that can happen. They will think I am crazy and email me back telling me so. The more I thought about it though I was pretty sure they wouldn't do that. They seem to be pretty open minded people. Also it is email. If they want to tell me I was crazy well at least I couldn't hear them yelling. They could block my email so that I couldn't contact them again. Ok. I am not the kind of person to bug the crap out of others so if they didn't contact me back I wouldn't try contacting them again. I don't think they could really block me from reading the blog. So when I really thought about it I knew my excuses were pretty thin.

My journey of submission to God has really been about changing my way of thinking. So I thought about what the best outcome - they would want to know more and I could help someone find eternal life. I also thought about the most realistic outcome and I came up with two. One, they would just ignore my email and not response. Two, they would email me back thanking me for reading the blog and possibly encouraging me in my submission.

So that Sunday afternoon, feeling pretty confident that I wouldn't be scorned, I sent the email. It was pretty simple. I thanked them for the blog and explained that God had been using it to teach me about submission to Him. I shared the plan of salvation by including simple I believe statements. I actually had to write the email twice because the first time something didn't work right and it didn't send. When it didn't go the first time I did reconsider if it was really what God wanted me to do. However, I was pretty confident that I was acting in obedience. So I tried again and this time it sent. The first day or so I did check my email the curosity and a hope that they responded. When several days past I had to remind myself that I did what I was told to do and I should rejoice in that fact and not worry about what the reponse (or lack there of). I had pleased God and that is what mattered. About a week later, I did receive an email. It thanked me for reading the blog and wished me luck in my submission.

Cyberspace is safe. I do not see the people I meet and they don't really know who I am so it is easier not to worry about their opinion of me. I thought about other people on the internet that I knew and wondered if I should send them emails telling them what I believe, but no one in particular came to mind. I know that God wouldn't be satisfied with me only telling my cyber friends, but it was so much safer to do.

Today I had to eat lunch by myself as my lunch pal was too busy with work to really stop and eat. I did not pack my lunch. I was running a little late and I didn't really want to eat the jambalya I made Sunday again. I thought about going to the cafe down the street from my building, but they give too big of portions and the food is usually pretty heavy. I wasn't really hungry, but I could tell I needed to eat. I could get a sandwich at the cafe, but they are like $5 and I didn't feel like spending that much on a sandwich. Finally I decided to go to Chick-fil-a. On Wednesdays they give free sandwiches to people associated with my workplace. So I really couldn't turn down a $3 meal (who have to buy a side and a drink). I debated on whether to eat there or bring it back. Usually if I am not eating with my lunch pal I sit at my desk and browse the internet. I really didn't feel like do that. So I decided that if they weren't real crowded then I would eat in (I felt bad for taking up a table for just me if there were a lot of people needing a table). As I walked out to my car I wished that I had a book or something to take with me. I keep a Bible in my car and so I thought I could read a little of it. On my drive there I really felt the need to ask an employee if I could pray for them. I have heard others who say they ask their server at restuarants about praying for them and I have also thought I can't do that. The more I thought about it the more I was convinced that I needed to ask the person who comes around the dining area taking trays and refilling drinks. Again I told myself maybe if it wasn't too crowded since really what was the worst that could happen. I didn't think the person would be too shocked. Chick-fil-a is an opening Christian business; they play Christian music. I don't think anyone working there would be offended to be asked.

I have to say that today it was the least crowded I have ever seen it at lunch time. So I was like I guess I should ask. I set my tray aside and arranged my lunch. I saw the girl cleaning around the dining area, but she never came for my tray. I was a little thankful since I thought I could get out of having to ask her. Finally she came by and took my tray and ... I chickened out. I just couldn't get the words out. After she walked away I was pretty bummed. I mean really how hard is it to say "Is there anything I can be praying about for you? I slowly finished my lunch and sat reading my Bible for a few minutes when she approached again. You could tell she didn't want to interrupt, but she asked if she could refill my drink. I said yes and then I sat there giving myself I little pep talk. When she turned I thanked her and ... I asked if I could pray for her. She was slightly startled maybe. I am sure that is not what she thought I would say, but also her reaction wasn't so stunned to think that she hadn't been asked before. She took a moment to consider and then she told me I could pray about direction as she is going to college soon. I noted her name (I was proud that I thought to do that because I would have kicked myseld later for not knowing). I told I would pray for her. Soon after I picked up my trash and as I left I prayed that God would give Chrissy direction as she considers college.

So two attempts and two times I have not fallen victim to the worst case scenario. I know soon God is going to ask me to share my faith with some a little closer to me. I pray that I will have the courage to obey and if not then I will allow my love for God to lead me in obedience.

A Time of Confession

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:10


Tonight's meditation was a little different. I didn't have a verse per se to focus on. I felt like I needed to spend some time in confession. My thoughts and actions have not been what they should be lately so I felt that I needed to seek forgiveness.

As I prepared to kneel tonight I thought back over my submission to God and why I wanted to submit to Him. Before kneeling I read over James 4: 1-12. I also skimmed a few verses before and after that passage. Several things jumped out of me. I chose this passage since I had quoted James 4:7 in an earlier post on submission, but had never really looked at it.  I felt that I needed to focus more on submission than a verse tonight. Yesterday's sermon hit home for me. It was on the will of God in your life. Several of the points had to do with giving God all the conrol, submitting to Him, surrendering your desires. Sound familar? I have written those same things.

So tonight after my confession and I thought about a few of the verses from the James 4. It started with verse 8. I want to come near to God, I desire for God to be near to me. Why do I feel distanced from Him when just a few weeks ago I felt so close. Another sin was pointed out and again I confessed and sought forgiveness. Then my thoughts turned to the rules I wrote up a few weeks ago. The first week or so I read over them every day, but since they have been buried behind other post now I have not been reading them. Typically when I pray I know that God is speaking to me because my thoughts go in directions that I would not necessarily think. When I am convicted, the words or action is verbal (if that makes sense) in my head. Occasionally when I have sinned against someone I will picture their face, but rarely do I have a visual when speaking with God. Tonight though as I was asking why I feel the distance between me and God, I was seeing a man (a father) sitting in a chair. He sat silently, like a parent would while waiting for their child to speak, to come to their own conclusions. "Why are you silent", I asked. This is when my rules came to the forefront. It was like God was telling me that I had everything I needed to feel close to Him, to be near Him, if I would just follow the rules. I ran through some of the rules that I could remember. Love the Lord; Love your neigherbor; your body is a holy temple; be patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled; tell others about Jesus.

James 4:10 came to mind and I repeated it to myself several times. It seemed to settle me unlike other verses I had thought of during this time. Then the question - why do I want to submit to God? If you have read my other posts you know the answer - I want to experience life abundantly. But that isn't why I should desire to submit to God. I was created to glorify God. I was not created so that He could give me good things. He gives me good things because He loves me and cherishes me as His creation, as His child. I was making my submission about me. I was reading a blog post on Domestic Daisy's blog the other day where she talked about holding her submissin hostage (I must note that Daisy and he husband practice a form of domestic discipline and her blog does have an adult content warning though I am not pointing to anything explicit I thought I should mention it for those reading my blog). I didn't really understand what she was talking about. But now I kind of wonder if that is what I am doing with God. I only submit so much and only as long as I am getting something from it. However, I am not to submit to God for what I can get out of it. I am to submit to God because I desire Him to be glorified.

My 15 minutes of meditation seemed to only touch the tip of the iceberg of the ephinany or what God is trying to tell me. I have worked through some of the thoughts here, but it feels like so much more needs to be worked through. I will probably write in my private journal about some of this and see what comes of it. Often for me writing out what I am talking to God about helps me to hear Him better. I think because I have to think more (slow down my brain so that I can write the words and think about what I am writing so that it makes sense and in doing so I pay more attention to what I am actually thinking). I will probably come back to this and I might share more of what I write in my private journal.

Thankful Thursday #6

I am once again healthy; the head cold from last week is all gone. On Sunday I heard the sweetest sound, my 7 years old niece was singing along with the praise songs at church. Her reading skills have really improved this year and she is becoming more familar with the songs. She is a really good singer too.

Snagged in the web of an old habit

Trust in the Lord... Proverbs 3:5

It is easy to slip into old habits. It happens so slowly sometimes that you don't realize you are doing it until oops your caught in the web. That is where I found myself today. Sometime this afternoon I started thinking about my weekly meditation and discovered that I hadn't really though about it since last week. Granted I was sick most of the week and was sleeping whenever I wasn't at work, but still I thought about the times I was awake for just dozing in bed. Times that I could have easily focused on God for a few minutes. Instead I wondered what I would do if I was the main character in the story I am reading or what in the world is going on with Lost. It got to the point whenever there wasn't something needing my attention I would immediately begin daydreaming.

I think I was already doing this some the week before, hence the I got nothing Meditative Monday. I wrote it off at first as trying not to dictate to God what I wanted to meditate on, but to wait for Him to show me. But all I was doing was cutting off communication with God.

I still had no clue what to meditate on tonight when I got home from work. Nothing was coming to be. I looked back over what I had meditated on before but still nothing was coming to mind. I was starting to wonder if maybe tonight there wouldn't be a verse.  Maybe tonight needed to be a time of confession. I sifted through what I might need to confess. I know that my thoughts had not been where they should be and that become more obvious the more I thought about it.

I ran across a new to me blog today and a new post was made while I was looking over my past posts. In this post one of her statements really stood out to me - "God has given me the ability to trust Him; and if I do, my 'self' will become a conduit for His strength, given to others." Immediately Proverbs 3:5 popped into my head.

I read the rest of the verse and was struck by the second half, lean not on your own understanding. It brought me back to last week's verse, my thoughts are not your thoughts. I also went on to read verse 6 since it is the completion of the thought started in verse 5, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. My study Bible has a side note for verse 6, "In the original Hebrew, 'in all your ways acknowledge Him' is more literally 'in all your ways know Him.' This fundamental statement of how to relate to God implies more than mere reverence. Nodding in God's direction is not enough; you must know Him by  living closely with Him, relating to Him personally in every aspect of the your life." After reading this comment it seemed that I have full circled back to what I was meditating the first week and I can see how all the verses I have meditated on the past month are connected.

When I knelt to meditate I wasn't sure what part of the two verses I would really be focusing on. It quickly became evident that it would be Trust in the Lord. By slipping back into old habits, I can see where I have failed to trust God. I started this journey into deeper submission to God because I want to know Him more, I want to serve Him more, I want to experience the abundant life that only He can provide. In order to submit I must fully trust. If you talk (or in my case read) to any of the people that live in complete submission to their husbands trust is an issue that comes up again and again. Without trust they cannot submit. It is the same with God. I must fully trust Him in order to fully submit to Him.

When I changed my focus from God to whatever entertainment I focused on I basically said that I know better how to make my life fulfilling. Entertainment is not bad or wrong, but it should not be my sole focus or the thing I immediately run to when I have a free moment.

I need to trust God even when I don't understand or not sure where He is headed for I know by focusing on Him I can know His thoughts and ways and His desires will consume me. By knowing Him in all my ways I can experience the excitement and pleasure of life abundantly.

Thankful Thursday #5

I'm staying home today because I am sick so I thought I would write early today in case later I feel worse.

I am thankful that I have sick days where when I feel icky I can stay home but not worry about losing my job or not getting paid.

I am thankful that I am healthy. Though I feel miserable right now I know that there are a ton of diseases out there that would be a whole lot worse than this sickness.

I am thankful that I have access to healthcare providers. If I later I decide I need to go to the doctor I can call and will get in today. And because am blessed with health insurance it won't cost me an arm and a leg.

I got nothing

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

I got nothing. Seriously, I am not too sure why God thought I should meditate on this verse this week. I still had delight yourself in the Lord swimming through my head the past week but every once in a while my thoughts are not your thoughts would pop in my head. I have a note that I wrotein my Bible by this verse that says God sees the big picture, we only see a small corner.

I read through the whole passage in hopes of shining some light on what God was trying to say. Verses 11 and 12 caught my eye. I thought that verses 12 and 13 would be something we might discuss in my Sunday night discipleship class. But still nothing was really standing out. It is like it is just beyond my reach whatever it is that God is trying to tell me. I wonder if it is something I don't want to hear. Or maybe something I am not ready to hear. Is is just preparation?

I looked at some commentary, too. I liked what Matthew Henry had to say about verses 6 - 13. Still not knowing where it is going but I will highlight a few things that interest me in the commentary.

"Here is a gracious offer of pardon, and peace, and of all happiness. It shall not be in vain to seek God, now his word is calling to us, and his Spirit is striving with us. But there is a day coming when he will not be found. There may come such a time in this life; it is certain that at death and judgment the door will be shut. There must be not only a change of the way, but a change of the mind. We must alter our judgments about persons and things. It is not enough to break off from evil practices, we must strive against evil thoughts. To repent is to return to our Lord, against whom we have rebelled. If we do so, God will multiply to pardon, as we have multiplied to offend. But let none trifle with this plenteous mercy, or use it as an occasion to sin. Men's thoughts concerning sin, Christ, and holiness, concerning this world and the other, vastly differ from God's; but in nothing more than in the matter of pardon. We forgive, and cannot forget; but when God forgives sin, he remembers it no more. The power of his word in the kingdoms of providence and grace, is as certain as in that of nature. Sacred truth produces a spiritual change in the mind of men, which neither rain nor snow can make on the earth. It shall not return to the Lord without producing important effects. If we take a special view of the church, we shall find what great things God has done, and will do for it. The Jews shall come to their own land; this shall represent the blessings promised. Gospel grace will make a great change in men. Delivered from the wrath to come, the converted sinner finds peace in his conscience; and love constrains him to devote himself to the service of his Redeemer. Instead of being profane, contentious, selfish, or sensual, behold him patient, humble, kind, and peaceable. The hope of helping in such a work should urge us to spread the gospel of salvation. And do thou help us, O Spirit of all truth, to have such views of the fulness, freeness, and greatness of the rich mercy in Christ, as may remove from us all narrow views of sovereign grace." Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary

As far as the practice of meditation:
I am meditating for 10 minutes right now on Mondays. I was not really feeling it tonight, though. I kind of just wanted to forget about it. I am tired, my neck is stiff, the burn on my hand is cracking and stinging. But I did it any ways because I hoped God would enlighten me. I struggled; my mind kept wandering to something else and the dogs wouldn't settle.

I have noticed that during other prayer times I can settle my mind more quickly and I am not so quick to jump right into talking and keep talking. In Sunday school yesterday we had silent prayer for like 5 minutes. I noticed that I was able to easily focus my mind on what we were to be praying about and instead of directing the conversation I was able to listen. I don't know if it really was 5 minutes or not, but it didn't feel like it was never ending as it would have tended to before.

Accountability

Since probably middle school I have heard about having accountability partners. At the time I did not see a true need for one. In my youth group I was the most spiritually mature (I am not just saying that, my youth pastor told me), so it was hard to see how anyone else in the group could serve as that person. Also I was not close to anyone in the group. At best, I felt tolerated by the others in the group.

It was probably after college when I started thinking that I would like to have an accountability partner, but it was more for the deep fellowship and not the accountability. I tried to meet with a friend for a while, but it didn't work out. I have trouble developing meaningful, lasting relationships with people. I keep people at arms length. I have great difficulty telling anyone anything personal about myself (even people I have known for 10 years). Because of this I had more or less given up the idea of having an accountability partner. Also I am pretty good making sure I do the right thing, so I still did not see the need for an accountability partner.

Since I have been really exploring my submission to God I have had a new interest in accountability. I also have had an ah ha! moment in regards to accountability. Though it is true that a deep fellowship can result from being held accountable to another person, it is not the reason I need accountability. I don't need just to be answerable to someone, but I also need to receive encouragement.

A few weeks ago, I was reading the blog of someone who practices domestice discipline within their marriage. She mentioned that her husband had given her a bedtime as she tends to stay up all night and then isn't able to get up in the morning. She wrote that since her husband was out of town she was having trouble continuing to comply with the bedtime request.

This got me thinking about my own life. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I am able to be responsible for myself, that I did feel like I need to answer to anyone. When I think back over the past year though I can see that I did need someone to answer to. I know that I am ultimately answerable to God, but He is not physically present and therefore it is often easy to think He isn't watching. Now I didn't start off neglecting the big stuff like Bible study or worship, but little things mostly having to do with my attitude. I wonder if the woman I was reading about had been left alone longer if bigger things than bedtime would have started to slip. I now see in my own life that neglecting the small things eventually snowballed into having me pretty much turn away from God.

So now I am left with the knowledge that I need to be held accountable, but knowing that I still have great difficulty opening up to another person. What am I suppose to do? For starters I began writing this blog. I did not think anyone would really read it so I told myself that I would post Meditative Mondays and Thankful Thursdays each week, plus I would write about what God is doing in my life and any struggles I have. The last two are in an effort to more open. There is a sense of safety in writing my thoughts into cyberspace. Over the last week or so I have told a few people I know in real life that I am writing this blog. It was daunting, but has gotten easier. I am the girl in real life that puts on a smile and says everything is fine, even when inside my world is crumpling.

I am glad that I have let some people in as I am already seeing times when I just think "I don't have to do this." Last Thursday is an example. Nothing overly great happened last week so I was struggling to find something to be thankful for. I thought several times throughout the day I will write it later. Well, when it became later I thought "Do I really need to write it? No one is reading it." In the end I did write it because I would feel guilty the next day that I didn't do it and I was also reminded that even if no one else sees it God sees it (which applies to more than just whether I write a blog post or not).

So where does all this leave me? I am not as good at self-policing as I once thought. I think the blog is helpful and a step in the right direction, but I don't know if it will be enough if I start sliding again (since it is still up to me whether I do it or not - no one is there to gently nudge me to continue). A person is not an island. I was not created to be alone. I need people in my real life to be answerable to. Not to only point on where I have gone wrong, but to encourage me to continue on the right path. I am still hestitant to sit down with anyone, but I will keep practicing opening up to people here and hopefully one day I will be able to open up to a person in real life.