It's pointless

Until I get back into reading and study the Bible my Monday meditations are kind of pointless. I couldn't find anything to meditate on tonight. I thought about meditating on the passage about the last supper, it being Holy Week and all. While looking for it I read about Jesus washing the feet of His disciples and how he truly demonstrated a servant heart. I skimmed the chapter on submission in hopes of finding something. I briefly meditated on Mark 8:34 - deny yourself. I could not settle my mind on anything. So I thought perhaps I was suppose to once again just be still and know He is God. It was focusing on this once again that I realized I felt distant. That there was an invisible barrier between us. And that I am not going to make any progress until I get back into studying the Word of God for myself. I felt disappointment wash over me. Yes, my God will forgive me for this failure, but I cannot seek His forgiveness unless I am willing to repent. I feel disappointed in myself, but not discouraged.

my life is His

Today at church we had the Lord's Supper. It was quite the emotional time for me. As is customary for me I confessed any sin that I had yet to confess. Today I asked for forgiveness for my part in the incident that occurred Wednesday night.

After taking my bread chip, I began to pray as others were served. I remembered that it represents the body of Christ which was broken. He submitted to death for me, but His power and strength were able to overcome death. Remembering His sacrifice and submission I want to more fully submit to Him. I know what I desire, but it is still scary to imagine what God can do with my surrendered life. But when I remembered Jesus's strength to overcome death and that His strength lives with in me I can submit to Him fully. Also, He will be beside me the entire way, holding my hand. He will never push me further than He knows I can handle. Will he push hard, sometimes, as I will need to be stretched in order to reach my potential.

The thought of the love and care He shows me brought a smile to my face though I had tears clinging to my eyelashes.

Then I took the cup, again, I prayed. I remembered that this represents the blood of Christ, shed for me so that my sins may be washed away and I will shine whiter than snow. Through His blood, I become His radiant bride  - pure and unblemished in His eyes.  My life is Yours, Lord. It is Yours, Jesus. I am Yours, Master

With this thought a single tear dropped from one of my closed eyes and then one from the other eye. As these two tears slowly rolled down my cheek I smiled brightly as I pledged that I am His.

I am completely and totally Yours, Master.

Lessons learned, thoughts provoked

So I went on a Ladies Retreat this weekend (well Friday night and most of today). The theme was Spiritual Boot Camp. The material used was from a book that I did a much more lengthy study on previously so there wasn't much meat to the weekend as I had hoped. But it was good none the less. The book is Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. I had forgotten that there was chapter on submission so I plan of rereading it. I do have some parting thoughts from this weekend that I wanted to remember so I thought I would put it here.

• Submission is a spirit with which we view other people, not an attempt to set forth a series of hierarchical relationships but to communicate an inner attitude of mutual subordination.
• Submission is the ability to lay down the burden of always needing to get our own way.
• We submit to God, scripture, family, neighbors, believing community (the Church), the broken and despised, and the world (be a responsible member in an increasingly irresponsible society).
• Service is not a list of things we do but a way of living
• Self-righteous service comes through human effort. True service comes from a relationship with God deep inside.
• Serve out of whispered promptings, there is no difference between big and small acts, free from the need to calculate results, not based on a feeling or a mood. It is a lifestyle not an act.

At the end we were asked to write down a few things we thought God taught us this weekend. At first I wasn't sure if I learned anything, but as I reflected on the weekend I was reminded of a few things.

• During my time of meditation - it is ok to sit with what I am told (I caught myself wondering what I am going to blog about, how am I going to put into comprehendable words and sentences what I am experiencing/learning during my meditation.)
• I need a deeper understanding of my role in submission (hence I am going to reread the chapter of the discipline of submission)
• To once again find joy in solitude. (Since living alone it has been increasingly more difficult to find peace and joy in moments of true solitude. Instead I usually feel depressed. But I can remember the spiritual high I could get from "hiding" out on a weekend during college and I want that again.)

I have started to feel stagnate in my submission and hopefully as I continue to reflect on the weekend I will be able to take another step towards total surrender to God.

Thankful Thursday #12

It is very difficult to write this blog tonight. There was an incident last night that quickly sent me into the beginnings of my depression. I have tried to fight against all day and a busy day at work helped, but late afternoon was difficult.

I am thankful for some great people that I have met in a chatroom. After the incident happened last night I just wanted to talk to my chat friends. They make me smile. And they did try to raise my spirits one person even got me to smile.

I am thankful for comfort food. When I left work today I so needed a soda. So I had a frozen pizza and a cherry Dr. Pepper. It made me feel better.

I am thankful that I have been really trying to get my house in order. I am not done spring cleaning I have 2 rooms left but my house is so much tidier than it has been. I was able to use 3 evenings this week to get the house tidied up for a friend who is coming over. I am thankful that God gave me a plan on Monday on how to go about accomplishing the cleaning chores I needed to get done before Friday.

In preparation

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

On the Jewish calendar, holidays and Sabaths begin at sundown the night before. Why? I was once told it was so they could prepare their hearts and minds for worship. By sundown all the physical things would be taken care of (meals prepared, house clean, laundry done, etc) so that they could begin focusing their minds on the true meaning of holiday or Sabath.

I need a time for preparation. I am going on a Ladies Retreat this weekend. It is entitled Spiritual Bootcamp. It sounds like something I need. But in order to get anything out of the weekend I need to do  a little work before hand. So tonight when I sat down to meditate I thought about what this weekend would mean to me. What did I hope to get out of it? I want God to show up. I have heard this phrase often in church settings, which is actually kind of silly. We are told where 2 or more are gathered God will be also. So I think when I say I want God to show up I am really saying I want to see, feel, hear, smell, taste the presence of the Lord this weekend. I am going into this weekend seeking God's face. I am promised that if I seek Him I will find Him.

Just as Jews prepare for their time to worship in advance so should I prepare to meet with my God this weekend. I prayed that God would prepare me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There stuff I need to get done before I leave on Friday. Things that if left undone will nag at my all weekend causing my attention to be divided. I know that typically during my time of meditation I try to keep myself from coming up with to do lists, but tonight was different. I have a friend staying at my house overnight Friday so that I don't have to board the dogs. Well my house isn't exactly clean. I have been doing intensive spring cleaning one room each weekend which means the other rooms are a bit more neglected than usual. Add to it that I didn't get any cleaning done this past weekend because I went to a thrift sale, my niece's birthday party and was at church almost the entire day Sunday. And speaking of the thrift sale, I got a bunch of great things for the house, but I haven't exactly found a place for it all so it is piled up in the living room. During my meditation an action plan of sorts formed in my head. At first I wanted to push it out of my head but then I remembered that I prayed for God to help me prepare. I have to say after my meditation time I was able get get all the thrift sale stuff put away (except for the 3 ft x 3 ft mirror that is suppose to go in my bathroom because I can't carry it up the stairs by myself). I stripped my niece's and nephew's beds. I tidied up the downstairs bedroom and vacuumed the bedroom and living room.  I still have stuff to do but it seems so much more manageable to get done in the next 2 days.

I am tired. I have not slept well in days. I go to bed early but I cannot stay asleep. I have a massage scheduled for Wednesday. I hope that relaxing my muscles will give me better rest.

As for spiritually preparing, the only thing I can do is make sure that I confuse my sins so that nothing is standing between me and God. God will have to do the rest.

To mentally and emotionally prepare... I think being physically prepared will go a long way in reducing stress and distraction.

Thankful Thursday #11

I have been quite the social butterfly this week. The family celebrated my Dad's birthday on Monday. It was the first chance we had since it snowed on his actually birthday. It was a great time just hanging out with the family at one of our favorite restaurants. My niece is so sweet. We ordered a 3 dip appetizer, but she knows that her brother doesn't really like any of the dips so she asked if we could also get his favorite cheese dip.

On Tuesday, I had my haircut. I have been growing it out for 3 years so I could donate it. I grew it longer than I have ever had it. I have donated it one time before and I decided it need to be longer this time so it wouldn't be so short. I absolutely love my new hair. I have also had a bunch of complements which just makes me feel good.

Wednesday is church night. We had a family style meeting after supper to discuss priorities in the church. We are developing our 5 - 10 year strategic plan. It was a good time with lots of great suggestions made.

Tonight I went for coffee with a friend (I don't actually drink coffee, but it seems hot chocolate at at coffee house always taste better than what I make at home) and we discussed starting a new Sunday school class at our church. It is a burden I have had for a number of years and it finally seems to be the right time to launch it.

The weather is gorgeous and it was only about 1 mile to the coffee shop so I walked from work. I used the time to talk to God and reflect on the things He has been teaching me. I think for the first time in my life I am truly seeing the transforming power of God. Sure I have felt His presence in my life and seen Him work in situations I have faced, but to actually see my life changing (might not be the words I am looking for) is possibly a first. I feel so close to Him. I am not good at putting my emotions into words. I have read several blogs that describe what I am feeling when the person is talking about their relationship with their husband. And I was thinking during my walk, their relationship is temporary. Death will eventually separate them. But the relationship I have with God will only become more perfect once I leave this world and I couldn't help but smile and rejoice a little at that thought.

Guidance requested

...Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God... Isaiah 9:6

My time tonight with God started when I was walking the dogs. I often pray when walking the dogs. Since the purpose of the walk is to get the dogs to go the bathroom it is a relaxing time. We just meander around the neighborhood, stopping at every shrub, tree, and mailbox post.

Before we left the house I was thinking about what I would meditate on tonight. I felt like I needed guidance. I immediately started thinking about what verses/passages spoke of guidance and I also thought about what key words could I use to find what I was looking for in a concordance. Counselor came to mind and automatically Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God pops into my head. As I walk the dogs I ask God to give me guidance. A friend has confided in me about a situation she is in and is distressed about. I don't think my friend is a Christian. When she first told me I had know idea what to say or do. I was honest with her and told that I didn't know how to help, but that I would listen.

I have thought about her and the situation since she told me and I wish I had words of advice or encouragement to give her. I told this to God. I have also been praying for this friend for a while about sharing Christ with her. I feel now is the time. I am a conversation planner so immediately start thinking of how to start this conversation. We eat lunch almost everyday together and we are possibly going out tomorrow evening after work. I asked God how was I to start this conversation. The why I was thinking seemed lame and possibly confrontational. Then God reminded me of a situation while not identical did leave me with the same emotions that she is dealing with. She is aware of the situation, but I don't think she knows the situation since it happened before we met.

I was still going over in my mind the details and how to share the situation with her to be most effective when I came in to meditate. Immediately upon kneeling my mind quieted. I barely even had to think Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God to focus my mind. I realized after quite some time that there were no thoughts - I was completely still in mind and body. Of course as soon as it dawned on me my mind started whirling. I repeated the verse a few times. I also thought about Isaiah 11:2 and asked that the Spirit of wisdom and knowledge, the Spirit of counsel and strength be bestowed upon me when I go to talk to my friend. However, the peace and stillness that I experienced in the beginning of my time did not return.

God knew that I needed to still my mind. If I allow myself to put the conversation together too much I either wind up talking myself in circles and lose the point or I become so focused on how the conversation should go that if the "moment" does not present itself exactly as I pictured it I will never start the conversation in real life.

I need to work on patiences during my time of meditation. This is only the second week that I have meditated for 20 minutes and this week it felt long. It could have to do with all the silence and stillness I was experience or maybe it is because I am so stiff after all the housework I did this weekend I felt like Rice Krispies this morning (my back snapped, crackled, and popped when I got out of bed). Maybe it was because I felt that God had told me what He wanted and so I no longer needed to sit there - nah, I needed the stillness. Though part of me still feels the need to plan the conversation; I am content with waiting for it to just happen because of that 20 minutes of stopping and focusing on God.

Thankful Thursday #10

Spring has seemed to have arrived this week in my part of the world. We had a glorious weekend. I was able to get some much needed yard work done and enjoy copious amounts of sunshine. Even the rain we have had the last two days hasn't been too bad.

I was able to go on a long, relaxing walk with my dogs on Tuesday because it was just the right temperature and it isn't getting dark so early.

I have never been more grateful for the saving grace of Jesus and the loving God I serve. A friend today shared a struggle she has with me. If I was not a Christian, following Jesus, I could see myself in her situation. Thank you Jesus for saving me at such a young age. I have no idea what to say to her as I am not completely sure of her religious views. I am not sure the words of comfort that I would speak would be understood or appreciated by her. Thank you God for the love and comfort you provide when I face trials and tribulations.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presences of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

It is starting to look and feel like spring. This is a time of new life and hope, but for me it is often the time my depression hits the hardest. Why? Maybe because I see all the new life and realize that I am still in the same place as always. It is also the time when my heart was broken; my shame revealed.

I have been reflecting some this past week on why I fall to depression so much during this time of renewal. This was about the time last year that began my walk through a dark valley in my life. I have been reminded of this Psalm during this week of reflection. At first I was like "What God? This is a Psalm for funerals." I am most familiar with Psalm 23:4 being worded "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." And this is the Psalm that is read at most funerals. However this week when I have thought about this verse it has been the valley of darkness. I thought whatever it's just my translation. But tonight when I looked up Psalm 23 there is a footnote that says that it can be translated the darkest valley. I refer to my depression last year as a time of darkness. And though I did not always feel God's presence I know He was there.

Today I was ... at peace. It is a strange feeling. Today is a furlough day for me so I was not paid for today. Typically, I should be worrying about not having that day's pay, particulary since my savings account has dipped below what I am comfortable with it having.  Or maybe angry because I am paid from a different source of funds which had money available to pay me. But it didn't really cross my mind. This is my 5th furlough day in the fiscal year and so far I have been able to cover my bills without any problems. I haven't really noticed the missing money.

I shouldn't have been at peace today. It was a beautiful day and I spent most of it doing yard work. Typically I become upset, discontent, even overwhelmed when doing yard work. My yard needs a lot of work. I grudgingly do it usually grumbling about wishing I had a husband to help me or anyone to help me for that matter; it's just too much for one person. But today I didn't. I had the fleeting thought when I thought about how I hadn't thought that today.

Instead, today I wanted to praise my God. I wanted to worship Him. I wanted to adore Him. I wanted to sit in His presence and just be. No words needed to be exchanged; I just wanted to sit at His feet, maybe rest my head upon His knee and enjoy being in His presence.

Since I have apparently graduated to meditating on whole passages I increased my meditation time to 20 minutes. I started out with the beginning of the passage because today while outside that is what I was thinking about. I felt cared for, provided for. Then I felt the need to just say thank you over and over. Finally I started thanking God for the various verses from this passage I could remember.

Thank you for being my Shepherd so that I do not want.

Thank you for the green pastures to lie in.

Thank you for the calm waters.

Thank you, even though I have walked through the dark valley, I did not need to fear.

Thank you for the comfort of Your rod and staff.

Thank you for preparing me a table.

Thank you for the goodness and love in my life.

Thank you that I will dwell in Your house forever.

To Tell or Not to Tell

I was in a chat room the other night when someone was asking about a fellow chatter who wasn't present. I had been in the room earlier when others were asking also about that same chatter. I gathered from the conversation that the chatter in question had been removed from the room due to a violation. So later that night when the person was being asked about again I replied that earlier in the day I had heard he had been removed from the room. Of course people wanted to know why. I knew the reason that I had seen others post, but I was not there when the incident happened so I decided that I shouldn't relay that info. I was reminded that on my list of rules I am not to spread gossip (Rule #5) and had I told them what I had heard second hand that would have been gossip. I told the room that I was not comfortable sharing second hand info and they all said that was fine. The subject was dropped.

It is interesting how in real life it is so easy to get wrapped up in gossip. I always thought that when I participated in gossip that I was doing it to be accepted. But when I sat there debating whether to tell these people what I had heard I realized that often I gossip just because I am not thinking. I don't think I even take the time to rationalize why I am telling people what I know. It seems that it is a case of someone asked a question and I know the answer. That's the nice thing about chat rooms you usually have a little time to think about your response (at least the amount of time it takes you to type it). But there are the times when I am not asked but I volunteer the answer anyways. You know those statements that usually start off "Guess what I heard".

I still need to work on obey this rule and being mindful of the words coming out of my mouth, but it was nice to see that having the rules in place did help me make the right decision and I didn't feel the need to try to bend the rule. I guess progress is being made.

Thankful Thursday #9

I am a bit under the weather tonight so I am so very thankful that tomorrow is Friday. I only have to make it through tomorrow which might be a bit stressful as we have a grant proposal going out the door, but we are also hosting the department's monthly gathering so it will be nice to be able to knock off work a little early.

Last week was the last of the Upward games. My girls did so well with their dance routine. They all hit it!

I went to the annual library book sale. I found some rather old books (published in the 1930s). I wasn't familar with the titles or the authors but they still looked cool. One day when I have my home library I will have some really old books on the shelf.

It seems like something really great happened earlier in the week, but now I can't remember. Right now the whole week is kind of fuzzy. Maybe when I am feeling better I will remember and I can come back to add it.

Have I grown up?

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. Hebrews 5: 12


Tonight's meditation was a challenge; instead of a single verse I meditate more on a passage. The verse above pretty much summarizes Hebrews 5:11-14. It is something I have thought about since hearing a sermon on Feb. 21.

On Dec. 14, I had my wisdom teeth removed. If you have had this procedure done you know that for the first day or so you cannot eat solid food. Due to a minor complication (I had a "significant" bone fragment in my gum - the doctor's words, it was large and painful - my words), I did not eat true solid food for over a week. I pretty much had only Carnation instant breakfasts for every meal for a week and the second week I was still drinking at least 2 instant breakfasts a day. Two weeks after the surgery the swelling was down enough to discover the bone fragment which was promptly removed and my eating habits quickly returned to normal.

Instant breakfast is basically formula for adults. I drink them fairly regularly for breakfast during the work week because they are quick and provide me with enough protein to make it to lunch. But to live off them solely is not enough. It does not sustain me. I lost at least 5 pounds the first week (I don't own a scale and I happened to be at my sister's house a week after the surgery). I was exhausted, absolutely no energy. I went back to work less than 24 hours after my surgery (please don't try this at home. I don't really remember the drive to work on that Tuesday). So my daily activities remained the same for the week following the surgery. Thankfully I was on holiday after that.

Remembering my time of subsisting basically on milk alone and how I was not satisfied (I was hungry all the time) I thought about how it is with the Christian life. Just as adults after eating solid food cannot not live again on milk alone, mature Christians cannot be satisfied by merely being fed the word of God once they have delved deeper into their own personal study. Last year, I attempted to survive only on spiritual milk, relying on Bible study teachers and the preacher to provide my nourishment. However, I had already matured past the point where milk would sustain me. I was eating solid food. "acquainted with the teaching about righteousness" (Hebrews 5:13) and "trained [myself] to distinguish good from evil" Hebrew 5:14.

When I knelt to meditate tonight I was debating whether I was still a baby requiring milk or if indeed I am spiritually mature and need meat to sustain me. I knew the answer so I asked why do I need to contemplate these two verses. Then I focused on "the elementary truths of God's word" (Hebrews 5:12). Though I no longer require someone to teach me the fundamental truths of my faith and I still need to be reminded of them and study them. Much like though I am an adult I still need milk to ensure a healthy diet.

I felt reassured about my Christian growth, but also convicted to return to solid food. My personal Bible study has still been lacking. My Meditative Mondays have helped me to at least open my Bible 1 day a week, but this is like the occasional baked potato, banana, or Frosty that I ate during my recovery. They provided an increase in calories and nutrients, but not enough to increase my energy level or give me the feeling of being full like a Five Guys cheeseburger and fries did. During the sermon that got me thinking about this we were challenged to read John by the end of March. Again going along with the analogy that I should still drink milk although I have moved to solid foods. Often new Christians are encouraged to read through John as the basics of the faith are well outlined in the book.  I am going to take the challenge since where I left off with my Bible reading last year isn't exactly the most exciting part of the Bible (I was in Ezekiel where he is given the blueprints for the temple).

One last thing to say about my meditation on Hebrews 5:11-14 is probably the one true thought that came to me during the 15 minutes (the rest of the above I have been thinking about for the past week). When this thought entered my head my eyes popped open and my head jerked up (I have found it comfortable to meditate in the yoga position known as child's pose). Remember a few weeks ago I wondered if maybe God was trying to tell me something I wasn't ready to hear? Well I think He told me it today and since I was focused on something else my guard was down and He slipped it in. In probably the last minute or two of my time I was brought back to the first part of verse 12 "you ought to be teachers..." Uh, Uh, WHAT!?

I love my small group teachers. I love sitting under their teaching. I learn and am challenged every week by them. I am not too happy with my small group. Though we have a few more permanent members most are transient since they are in graduate school. I have been with my group for the last ten years. No one remains from the first day I attended the group (well one of the teachers is now back after taking a break for several years). Many of them are 5 - 10 years younger than me. It has been discussed to start a class for singles in their 30s, but finding a teacher for adult small groups is difficult. A year and a half or two years ago I started thinking if we can get members I guess I could teach it. I have the personality that if no one else will step up I will. I didn't really feel called, but I knew we would need a teacher. I am scared to teach a new class; if we can't make it work I will think it is all my fault. I wasn't called then and if I had stepped up it would have failed when I experienced my valley of darkness. Maybe God is calling me now.  From the things that I have learned the past two months about who God is, His will, and submission to Him, that whether the group suceeds or fails is NOT reliant on my ability as a teacher, but on my trust and willingness to obey God.