Psalm of Confession

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5

Since starting on this journey to total submission I have noticed that I am I quicker to recognize sin in my life and also more likely to truly confess (not just the Oh sorry God I shouldn't have done that). I can feel the separation that the sin has caused and want to repair the relationship with God. I am also more like to think about the attitude behind the sin. The why I committed the sin and not just the action.

I had trouble settling my mind tonight. I don't know if it was the harder workout if it was the plain fact that I was spending 20 minutes in confession. I wondered also if maybe I am not truly ready to repent from the sin.

A Time of Confession

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:10


Tonight's meditation was a little different. I didn't have a verse per se to focus on. I felt like I needed to spend some time in confession. My thoughts and actions have not been what they should be lately so I felt that I needed to seek forgiveness.

As I prepared to kneel tonight I thought back over my submission to God and why I wanted to submit to Him. Before kneeling I read over James 4: 1-12. I also skimmed a few verses before and after that passage. Several things jumped out of me. I chose this passage since I had quoted James 4:7 in an earlier post on submission, but had never really looked at it.  I felt that I needed to focus more on submission than a verse tonight. Yesterday's sermon hit home for me. It was on the will of God in your life. Several of the points had to do with giving God all the conrol, submitting to Him, surrendering your desires. Sound familar? I have written those same things.

So tonight after my confession and I thought about a few of the verses from the James 4. It started with verse 8. I want to come near to God, I desire for God to be near to me. Why do I feel distanced from Him when just a few weeks ago I felt so close. Another sin was pointed out and again I confessed and sought forgiveness. Then my thoughts turned to the rules I wrote up a few weeks ago. The first week or so I read over them every day, but since they have been buried behind other post now I have not been reading them. Typically when I pray I know that God is speaking to me because my thoughts go in directions that I would not necessarily think. When I am convicted, the words or action is verbal (if that makes sense) in my head. Occasionally when I have sinned against someone I will picture their face, but rarely do I have a visual when speaking with God. Tonight though as I was asking why I feel the distance between me and God, I was seeing a man (a father) sitting in a chair. He sat silently, like a parent would while waiting for their child to speak, to come to their own conclusions. "Why are you silent", I asked. This is when my rules came to the forefront. It was like God was telling me that I had everything I needed to feel close to Him, to be near Him, if I would just follow the rules. I ran through some of the rules that I could remember. Love the Lord; Love your neigherbor; your body is a holy temple; be patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled; tell others about Jesus.

James 4:10 came to mind and I repeated it to myself several times. It seemed to settle me unlike other verses I had thought of during this time. Then the question - why do I want to submit to God? If you have read my other posts you know the answer - I want to experience life abundantly. But that isn't why I should desire to submit to God. I was created to glorify God. I was not created so that He could give me good things. He gives me good things because He loves me and cherishes me as His creation, as His child. I was making my submission about me. I was reading a blog post on Domestic Daisy's blog the other day where she talked about holding her submissin hostage (I must note that Daisy and he husband practice a form of domestic discipline and her blog does have an adult content warning though I am not pointing to anything explicit I thought I should mention it for those reading my blog). I didn't really understand what she was talking about. But now I kind of wonder if that is what I am doing with God. I only submit so much and only as long as I am getting something from it. However, I am not to submit to God for what I can get out of it. I am to submit to God because I desire Him to be glorified.

My 15 minutes of meditation seemed to only touch the tip of the iceberg of the ephinany or what God is trying to tell me. I have worked through some of the thoughts here, but it feels like so much more needs to be worked through. I will probably write in my private journal about some of this and see what comes of it. Often for me writing out what I am talking to God about helps me to hear Him better. I think because I have to think more (slow down my brain so that I can write the words and think about what I am writing so that it makes sense and in doing so I pay more attention to what I am actually thinking). I will probably come back to this and I might share more of what I write in my private journal.

Snagged in the web of an old habit

Trust in the Lord... Proverbs 3:5

It is easy to slip into old habits. It happens so slowly sometimes that you don't realize you are doing it until oops your caught in the web. That is where I found myself today. Sometime this afternoon I started thinking about my weekly meditation and discovered that I hadn't really though about it since last week. Granted I was sick most of the week and was sleeping whenever I wasn't at work, but still I thought about the times I was awake for just dozing in bed. Times that I could have easily focused on God for a few minutes. Instead I wondered what I would do if I was the main character in the story I am reading or what in the world is going on with Lost. It got to the point whenever there wasn't something needing my attention I would immediately begin daydreaming.

I think I was already doing this some the week before, hence the I got nothing Meditative Monday. I wrote it off at first as trying not to dictate to God what I wanted to meditate on, but to wait for Him to show me. But all I was doing was cutting off communication with God.

I still had no clue what to meditate on tonight when I got home from work. Nothing was coming to be. I looked back over what I had meditated on before but still nothing was coming to mind. I was starting to wonder if maybe tonight there wouldn't be a verse.  Maybe tonight needed to be a time of confession. I sifted through what I might need to confess. I know that my thoughts had not been where they should be and that become more obvious the more I thought about it.

I ran across a new to me blog today and a new post was made while I was looking over my past posts. In this post one of her statements really stood out to me - "God has given me the ability to trust Him; and if I do, my 'self' will become a conduit for His strength, given to others." Immediately Proverbs 3:5 popped into my head.

I read the rest of the verse and was struck by the second half, lean not on your own understanding. It brought me back to last week's verse, my thoughts are not your thoughts. I also went on to read verse 6 since it is the completion of the thought started in verse 5, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. My study Bible has a side note for verse 6, "In the original Hebrew, 'in all your ways acknowledge Him' is more literally 'in all your ways know Him.' This fundamental statement of how to relate to God implies more than mere reverence. Nodding in God's direction is not enough; you must know Him by  living closely with Him, relating to Him personally in every aspect of the your life." After reading this comment it seemed that I have full circled back to what I was meditating the first week and I can see how all the verses I have meditated on the past month are connected.

When I knelt to meditate I wasn't sure what part of the two verses I would really be focusing on. It quickly became evident that it would be Trust in the Lord. By slipping back into old habits, I can see where I have failed to trust God. I started this journey into deeper submission to God because I want to know Him more, I want to serve Him more, I want to experience the abundant life that only He can provide. In order to submit I must fully trust. If you talk (or in my case read) to any of the people that live in complete submission to their husbands trust is an issue that comes up again and again. Without trust they cannot submit. It is the same with God. I must fully trust Him in order to fully submit to Him.

When I changed my focus from God to whatever entertainment I focused on I basically said that I know better how to make my life fulfilling. Entertainment is not bad or wrong, but it should not be my sole focus or the thing I immediately run to when I have a free moment.

I need to trust God even when I don't understand or not sure where He is headed for I know by focusing on Him I can know His thoughts and ways and His desires will consume me. By knowing Him in all my ways I can experience the excitement and pleasure of life abundantly.

Conviction and Confession

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins... 1 John 1:9

Last week I failed to follow rules #19 and #20. A new employee at work had to have a form filled out and when he asked me to do it I told him he could feel out the top part (the name and stuff) and then he asked me about his pay type and stuff. He also said something about the form saying it should be filled out by the supervisor. His tone rubbed me the wrong way and even though I answered his questions I was not overly kind (at least internally I knew it wasn't the right tone). I made some excuses to myself to justify my attitude and went on with my day.

Later in the day I was rereading the rules I posted and when I got down to the bottom I realized that I had failed (you can say I say I failed to follow the first three rules, too). I was convicted of my sin and I confessed it to God, asking for forgiveness.