A Time of Confession

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:10


Tonight's meditation was a little different. I didn't have a verse per se to focus on. I felt like I needed to spend some time in confession. My thoughts and actions have not been what they should be lately so I felt that I needed to seek forgiveness.

As I prepared to kneel tonight I thought back over my submission to God and why I wanted to submit to Him. Before kneeling I read over James 4: 1-12. I also skimmed a few verses before and after that passage. Several things jumped out of me. I chose this passage since I had quoted James 4:7 in an earlier post on submission, but had never really looked at it.  I felt that I needed to focus more on submission than a verse tonight. Yesterday's sermon hit home for me. It was on the will of God in your life. Several of the points had to do with giving God all the conrol, submitting to Him, surrendering your desires. Sound familar? I have written those same things.

So tonight after my confession and I thought about a few of the verses from the James 4. It started with verse 8. I want to come near to God, I desire for God to be near to me. Why do I feel distanced from Him when just a few weeks ago I felt so close. Another sin was pointed out and again I confessed and sought forgiveness. Then my thoughts turned to the rules I wrote up a few weeks ago. The first week or so I read over them every day, but since they have been buried behind other post now I have not been reading them. Typically when I pray I know that God is speaking to me because my thoughts go in directions that I would not necessarily think. When I am convicted, the words or action is verbal (if that makes sense) in my head. Occasionally when I have sinned against someone I will picture their face, but rarely do I have a visual when speaking with God. Tonight though as I was asking why I feel the distance between me and God, I was seeing a man (a father) sitting in a chair. He sat silently, like a parent would while waiting for their child to speak, to come to their own conclusions. "Why are you silent", I asked. This is when my rules came to the forefront. It was like God was telling me that I had everything I needed to feel close to Him, to be near Him, if I would just follow the rules. I ran through some of the rules that I could remember. Love the Lord; Love your neigherbor; your body is a holy temple; be patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled; tell others about Jesus.

James 4:10 came to mind and I repeated it to myself several times. It seemed to settle me unlike other verses I had thought of during this time. Then the question - why do I want to submit to God? If you have read my other posts you know the answer - I want to experience life abundantly. But that isn't why I should desire to submit to God. I was created to glorify God. I was not created so that He could give me good things. He gives me good things because He loves me and cherishes me as His creation, as His child. I was making my submission about me. I was reading a blog post on Domestic Daisy's blog the other day where she talked about holding her submissin hostage (I must note that Daisy and he husband practice a form of domestic discipline and her blog does have an adult content warning though I am not pointing to anything explicit I thought I should mention it for those reading my blog). I didn't really understand what she was talking about. But now I kind of wonder if that is what I am doing with God. I only submit so much and only as long as I am getting something from it. However, I am not to submit to God for what I can get out of it. I am to submit to God because I desire Him to be glorified.

My 15 minutes of meditation seemed to only touch the tip of the iceberg of the ephinany or what God is trying to tell me. I have worked through some of the thoughts here, but it feels like so much more needs to be worked through. I will probably write in my private journal about some of this and see what comes of it. Often for me writing out what I am talking to God about helps me to hear Him better. I think because I have to think more (slow down my brain so that I can write the words and think about what I am writing so that it makes sense and in doing so I pay more attention to what I am actually thinking). I will probably come back to this and I might share more of what I write in my private journal.