Gotta do

... faith without deeds is dead. James 2:26

I know it has been a while since I have written anything. I have continued to meditate on Mondays and be thankful on Thursdays. After last weeks meditation, I felt like I couldn't quite grasp what was swirling in my head to put it in a coherent form. I felt like I needed to think about it more. I have thought about it over the past week. Last week I meditated on Isaiah 58. It talked about false practices - where you go through the motions but once you are done you think about it no more. I think my meditation has become that for me to some extent. At first I was concerned because when I was depresses last year that is how my whole Christian walk became.

At the beginning of the year, when I began my weekly meditation it was a chance to refocus and reconnect with God. The last month or so I haven't felt as connected to Him, like he isn't showing up for my meditation time. I think part of it was the routineness of it (I never thought about the verse I was meditation on outside of the Monday time), but another part is because I have outgrown it. I am not saying that I should continue to meditate on the Word of God. But if that is all I am doing then it will eventually stop feeding my needs. I need to take the next step to deepen my faith. I need to take the 2 dimensional words on the page and and the 3rd dimension (depth). How do I do that?

My class has been going through a study called Interupted. It is about service, particularly to "the least of these". As I was thinking about what we have been talking about and the passage from last week (which happened to be a passage we looked at during the study) and today James 26 kept repeating in my head.

I have recently applied for a few jobs (I have an interview on Thursday) and I updated my resume. I list my community involvement on my resume. I work in administration and I have done a lot of community events that require good organizational and administrative skills. Anyways, I was looking at the dates and realized I have not done anything in more than a year. I have always been very service oriented and I think that is a missing piece.

We finished out study this past Sunday and wasn't sure what to do for next Sunday. We had done a round of introduction a few Sundays ago as there were a few visitors and we were to mention our July 4th plans and no one had any. A few days later it was laid on my heart that we should do service that day. The church will only have 1 worship service so we can get started a little earlier than Sunday School time without making anyone miss worship. So we are going on Sunday morning to serve breakfast at a housing development that our church is starting to build relationships.

I don't know why I didn't make the connection earlier. Service is a big part of submission. Service requires you to think about someone else, to make time in your schedule, and often requires you to humble yourself.

Back to the beginning

Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46:10

Life feels out of control. I don't know where I am suppose to be heading. I know I am tired of making decisions. I want someone else to make the decision and I just follow. I feel so alone. Where is my helpmate?

I khow I am better off following Christ but right now my life seems pretty miserable.

I am so discouraged at the moment.

I want to give up

Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will continue it on until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Life is crumbling down around me. I am so stressed and anxious that I am physically ill. I am tiring so hard to do everything right that I am making more mistakes. I feel like I stand alone.

I spent my 20 minutes of meditation in tears. Where is God? He is suppose to be strong when I am weak. And I am weak at this moment. He is suppose to be my Comfort and Strong Tower where I can take refuge. How am I suppose to face tomorrow? Just because He lives does not help me know how to deal with the stuff I face.

If He started a good work in me and is continuing it, then why do I feel like such a failure?

Psalm of Confession

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5

Since starting on this journey to total submission I have noticed that I am I quicker to recognize sin in my life and also more likely to truly confess (not just the Oh sorry God I shouldn't have done that). I can feel the separation that the sin has caused and want to repair the relationship with God. I am also more like to think about the attitude behind the sin. The why I committed the sin and not just the action.

I had trouble settling my mind tonight. I don't know if it was the harder workout if it was the plain fact that I was spending 20 minutes in confession. I wondered also if maybe I am not truly ready to repent from the sin.

Who am I?

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made... Psalm 139:13-14.

Who did God make me to be? I am who He created? I don't know. I have never really struggled with God's will for my life. I have always had the attitude: If this isn't the path you want me on for my life then close the door. As long as the door remained opened I continued the path.

I am still struggling with what to do about my Ph.D. Do I finish it? Do I not? Is that door still opened? If not, is it locked or can I reopen it? I don't know what to do.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

I want God to let me know what is the plan for me. I know I should be content with just knowing what the next step is, but right now I don't know if I even know what the next step is. I am confused; I don't know what to think any more. I feel God has gone mute on this point. I have been rehashing it for several weeks. Am I rationalizing, trying to say God doesn't want me to continue out of fear? Or is this something that I need to let go of and forget about? What did God foresee happening in my life when he looked upon my unformed body?

Confused part 2

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledment of God rather than burnt offerings. Hosea 6:6

This verse goes sort of with last week's verse. The two have popped in my head several times in the past week. It seemed at one point some clarity was coming, but alas I still wasn't sure what it all meant. Tonight, I read all of chapter 6. What caught my attention was verse 3 "acknowledge God, press on to acknowledg God." It reminded me of the verse that started me down this path - Be still and know I am God.

In both Hosea and Micah, it is mentioned that Israel is arrogant. As I sat meditating  I was brought back to once again whether I should finish my Ph.D. or not. I thought about why I started the program. It was to prove my self-worth. I will admit I have often thought my secterial position is beneath me. Though I don't care if I use my Ph.D. I wanted it because it proved something. It is a points of pride. I thought about my current position. I could be very content in it. Things have improved that I no longer dread going to work. And if I would do my work; it would be something to be proud of.

Before I entered the Ph.D. program, I dated a guy who thought just about everything out of my mouth was illogical; any arguments I made were senseless. It is no wonder I stopped trying to open up to him and he thought there was nothing "below the surface." I have worth whether I have a Ph.D. or not. I am worthy because God created me and declare it good.

When I got to the last step of my Ph.D. that is when I faltered. I was continually told to go back through my dissertation. I started "hearing" it isn't good enough; you are not good enough. Then I did the presentation - and there was more criticism. I started thinking may the guy was right, maybe I can't make a logical argument, maybe I am not capable of deeply thinking about a subject. In the midst of this I was dealing with other situations that made feel like a failure. My depression was becoming worse and I gave up on finishing my Ph.D.

I wanted to stand before man and be declared right. I can stand before God in rightness solely because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I do not need man's approval.

Do I need to finish? I don't know. Will it just make be prideful? That is not what God wants. Will it make me more discontent with my current circumstances? Possibly. What does God want me to do? I am not sure in respect to my Ph.D. I know that He wants me to acknowledge Him. To have a close, intimate, meaningful relationship with Him.

Confused...

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

I am not sure what God is trying to tell me with this verse. The passage it comes from begins with a trial of sorts. The Lord is bringing charges against Israel. Then it moves to what must one do to pay for their sins. They mention burnt offerings and other sacrifices; it goes as far as wondering if they must offer their first born, the fruit of their bodies. None of those sacrifices would have wiped all their sin: past, present, and future - a way. No the only sacrifice that truly paid for our transgressions is the blood of Jesus Christ.

When I looked up the verse there was a cross reference to Hosea 6:6 that said that God preferred loyalty to sacrifice; knowledge of God to burnt offerings. I think I am going to read Hosea.

There is a side note in my Bible in reference to Micah 6:8 "Micah's most famous pronouncement summarizes the qualities that matter to God, Jesus spoke in simalar terms to the Pharisees's about their religous hypocrisy: they gave a tenth of even their spices to God, yet they neglected justice, mercy, and faithfulness (Matthew 23:23)"

Hmm....  Is this meant to be affirmation or condemnation? I did miss my meditation a couple of weeks ago, Was this verse suppose to help me realize that I do not have to keep a rigid schedule? Or maybe it is to point out that I am keeping too much of a schedule - Only meditate on Mondays, only thankful on Thursdays? Am I doing the "religious thing" and missing out on the relationship? Am I preoccupied with being perfect, following the "law" that I am missing the important things?

I don't know, but it definitely warrants consideration.

I Don't Want To

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The last couple days this verse has been floating through my head. At church we are going through a series about Every Christian a Witness. This week's topic was about telling our story/testimony. I have been praying for a friend for opportunities to share my faith and I think it is finally time to sit down and tell her why I choose to be a Christian. So I thought the verse was an apt one to meditate on tonight. I thought my time would be affirming, uplifting, strengthening.

I thought about this verse all evening. While I was grocery shopping, while walking the dogs, while fixing supper. Sometime during walking the dogs and fixing supper it dawned on me that maybe God want to talk about something else. My first response - No, I don't want to hear it. I just want it to be about giving my testimony.

Well, God did have something else in mind for tonight. No sooner had I knelt on the floor and started repeating the verse that He took over. I immediately focused on all things. It doesn't mean just the spiritual things He has called me to, but the everyday life things.

I have been putting off finishing my Ph.D. I know it is something I will regret 5 - 10 years from now even though I have no clue what I want to do with it.

When it was obvious that I couldn't push this aside I wanted to just get up and stop meditating. I immediately felt deflated. I might have even pouted a little (or maybe a lot). I know had I not been kneeling I would have stomped my foot as I clearly told God I. Don't. Want. To.

I don't know if I can ignore it any longer. I am warring with myself. My desire to submit to God in all things versus my absolute fear of facing my committee.

I just want to cry.

Something's brewing

I have learned to be content in all circumstances. Philippians 4:11

There is an unsettling deep within my soul. I can feel but cannot name. Is it discontentment or some unidentified struggle waiting to emerge when God knows I'm ready to handle it? Either is possible.

I know there are circumstances in my life that I am not happy with. There are a lot of "I want" statements flowing out of my heart, but what do I need?

Struggles and confusion are within me as well. I re-read the chapter on the discipline of submission in Foster's Celebration of Discipline. I have questions. Not sure how to incorporate some of the ideas into my life. I feel challenged in areas where I know I am not submitting.

There is a battle between spirit and flesh brewing within me. The new man is fighting the old man. I am not sure where I stand in the battle. Am I in midst or do I stand on the sidelines as an observer. Today, I was chatting with some friends and mentioned a personality test I took in college that determined introvert/extrovert and rule follower/rule breaker (there was a term for this but I can't remember it). I scored almost right dap in the middle of the chart just slightly on the side of introvert and rule follower. But the extrovert, rebellious side of me is standing ready to come forth with the slightest nudge. The extrovertness isn't bad; it can be quite helpful in certain circumstances. My rebellious side can be dangerous. While it helps me to determine "rules" that may be unjust, it also leaves me wanting to push the envelop. I have joked that I am rebellious within societal norms. Maybe this is what the struggle I feel is about.

I take comfort, just as I had found last week, even though I do not understand and cannot make others understand what is going on in my head and within my heart, God understands. His understanding is beyond measure. I lean not on my own understanding, but His.

Is this a test?

...His understanding has no limit. Psalm 147:5

This past week I have felt like God is laughing at me. I know He is not, well maybe trying to hide a chuckle. I wanted to be angry with God, but I knew He was right so it kind of took the fire out it.

It seems no sooner had I pledge to surrender my life completely to Him (see this post) that God is testing to see if I am truthful. I knew when I made the pledge that God would challenge me, push me to my limits. I didn't think it would be so soon.

This week I am faced with a decision. Can I put away my desire in order to do Kingdom work? Can I trust God to protect me? I think this is an excerise in trust. When I surrendered myself on Palm Sunday I knew that meant God could do whatever and that when faced with the path He has chosen for me I might balk at it. But I know He is beside me.

Tonight's meditation brought that truth to light. When I say God is laughing at me I don't think He is being mean. It is more like the chuckle that a parent has trouble hiding when their child doesn't quite get what is going on. God's understanding knows no limit. He cares for me beyond measure. He understand greater than I do how much of the struggle this path will be for me. But I also have confidence that I can resist the temptation (I have struggled this week with whether or not I am rationalizing my actions so that I get my way).

This situation is in God's hands. I have sought Godly counsel and I was told to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. All I can do is take the next step for as of right now I do believe that God has a plan for putting me in this situation. I am not sure what that plan is or truly how to proceed. But taking one step will either lead me through the open door or close it to me. I must not rush 10 steps ahead and get lost in the what ifs my mind wants to create. I can only trust that God will lead my steps.

It's pointless

Until I get back into reading and study the Bible my Monday meditations are kind of pointless. I couldn't find anything to meditate on tonight. I thought about meditating on the passage about the last supper, it being Holy Week and all. While looking for it I read about Jesus washing the feet of His disciples and how he truly demonstrated a servant heart. I skimmed the chapter on submission in hopes of finding something. I briefly meditated on Mark 8:34 - deny yourself. I could not settle my mind on anything. So I thought perhaps I was suppose to once again just be still and know He is God. It was focusing on this once again that I realized I felt distant. That there was an invisible barrier between us. And that I am not going to make any progress until I get back into studying the Word of God for myself. I felt disappointment wash over me. Yes, my God will forgive me for this failure, but I cannot seek His forgiveness unless I am willing to repent. I feel disappointed in myself, but not discouraged.

In preparation

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

On the Jewish calendar, holidays and Sabaths begin at sundown the night before. Why? I was once told it was so they could prepare their hearts and minds for worship. By sundown all the physical things would be taken care of (meals prepared, house clean, laundry done, etc) so that they could begin focusing their minds on the true meaning of holiday or Sabath.

I need a time for preparation. I am going on a Ladies Retreat this weekend. It is entitled Spiritual Bootcamp. It sounds like something I need. But in order to get anything out of the weekend I need to do  a little work before hand. So tonight when I sat down to meditate I thought about what this weekend would mean to me. What did I hope to get out of it? I want God to show up. I have heard this phrase often in church settings, which is actually kind of silly. We are told where 2 or more are gathered God will be also. So I think when I say I want God to show up I am really saying I want to see, feel, hear, smell, taste the presence of the Lord this weekend. I am going into this weekend seeking God's face. I am promised that if I seek Him I will find Him.

Just as Jews prepare for their time to worship in advance so should I prepare to meet with my God this weekend. I prayed that God would prepare me mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There stuff I need to get done before I leave on Friday. Things that if left undone will nag at my all weekend causing my attention to be divided. I know that typically during my time of meditation I try to keep myself from coming up with to do lists, but tonight was different. I have a friend staying at my house overnight Friday so that I don't have to board the dogs. Well my house isn't exactly clean. I have been doing intensive spring cleaning one room each weekend which means the other rooms are a bit more neglected than usual. Add to it that I didn't get any cleaning done this past weekend because I went to a thrift sale, my niece's birthday party and was at church almost the entire day Sunday. And speaking of the thrift sale, I got a bunch of great things for the house, but I haven't exactly found a place for it all so it is piled up in the living room. During my meditation an action plan of sorts formed in my head. At first I wanted to push it out of my head but then I remembered that I prayed for God to help me prepare. I have to say after my meditation time I was able get get all the thrift sale stuff put away (except for the 3 ft x 3 ft mirror that is suppose to go in my bathroom because I can't carry it up the stairs by myself). I stripped my niece's and nephew's beds. I tidied up the downstairs bedroom and vacuumed the bedroom and living room.  I still have stuff to do but it seems so much more manageable to get done in the next 2 days.

I am tired. I have not slept well in days. I go to bed early but I cannot stay asleep. I have a massage scheduled for Wednesday. I hope that relaxing my muscles will give me better rest.

As for spiritually preparing, the only thing I can do is make sure that I confuse my sins so that nothing is standing between me and God. God will have to do the rest.

To mentally and emotionally prepare... I think being physically prepared will go a long way in reducing stress and distraction.

Guidance requested

...Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God... Isaiah 9:6

My time tonight with God started when I was walking the dogs. I often pray when walking the dogs. Since the purpose of the walk is to get the dogs to go the bathroom it is a relaxing time. We just meander around the neighborhood, stopping at every shrub, tree, and mailbox post.

Before we left the house I was thinking about what I would meditate on tonight. I felt like I needed guidance. I immediately started thinking about what verses/passages spoke of guidance and I also thought about what key words could I use to find what I was looking for in a concordance. Counselor came to mind and automatically Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God pops into my head. As I walk the dogs I ask God to give me guidance. A friend has confided in me about a situation she is in and is distressed about. I don't think my friend is a Christian. When she first told me I had know idea what to say or do. I was honest with her and told that I didn't know how to help, but that I would listen.

I have thought about her and the situation since she told me and I wish I had words of advice or encouragement to give her. I told this to God. I have also been praying for this friend for a while about sharing Christ with her. I feel now is the time. I am a conversation planner so immediately start thinking of how to start this conversation. We eat lunch almost everyday together and we are possibly going out tomorrow evening after work. I asked God how was I to start this conversation. The why I was thinking seemed lame and possibly confrontational. Then God reminded me of a situation while not identical did leave me with the same emotions that she is dealing with. She is aware of the situation, but I don't think she knows the situation since it happened before we met.

I was still going over in my mind the details and how to share the situation with her to be most effective when I came in to meditate. Immediately upon kneeling my mind quieted. I barely even had to think Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God to focus my mind. I realized after quite some time that there were no thoughts - I was completely still in mind and body. Of course as soon as it dawned on me my mind started whirling. I repeated the verse a few times. I also thought about Isaiah 11:2 and asked that the Spirit of wisdom and knowledge, the Spirit of counsel and strength be bestowed upon me when I go to talk to my friend. However, the peace and stillness that I experienced in the beginning of my time did not return.

God knew that I needed to still my mind. If I allow myself to put the conversation together too much I either wind up talking myself in circles and lose the point or I become so focused on how the conversation should go that if the "moment" does not present itself exactly as I pictured it I will never start the conversation in real life.

I need to work on patiences during my time of meditation. This is only the second week that I have meditated for 20 minutes and this week it felt long. It could have to do with all the silence and stillness I was experience or maybe it is because I am so stiff after all the housework I did this weekend I felt like Rice Krispies this morning (my back snapped, crackled, and popped when I got out of bed). Maybe it was because I felt that God had told me what He wanted and so I no longer needed to sit there - nah, I needed the stillness. Though part of me still feels the need to plan the conversation; I am content with waiting for it to just happen because of that 20 minutes of stopping and focusing on God.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presences of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

It is starting to look and feel like spring. This is a time of new life and hope, but for me it is often the time my depression hits the hardest. Why? Maybe because I see all the new life and realize that I am still in the same place as always. It is also the time when my heart was broken; my shame revealed.

I have been reflecting some this past week on why I fall to depression so much during this time of renewal. This was about the time last year that began my walk through a dark valley in my life. I have been reminded of this Psalm during this week of reflection. At first I was like "What God? This is a Psalm for funerals." I am most familiar with Psalm 23:4 being worded "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." And this is the Psalm that is read at most funerals. However this week when I have thought about this verse it has been the valley of darkness. I thought whatever it's just my translation. But tonight when I looked up Psalm 23 there is a footnote that says that it can be translated the darkest valley. I refer to my depression last year as a time of darkness. And though I did not always feel God's presence I know He was there.

Today I was ... at peace. It is a strange feeling. Today is a furlough day for me so I was not paid for today. Typically, I should be worrying about not having that day's pay, particulary since my savings account has dipped below what I am comfortable with it having.  Or maybe angry because I am paid from a different source of funds which had money available to pay me. But it didn't really cross my mind. This is my 5th furlough day in the fiscal year and so far I have been able to cover my bills without any problems. I haven't really noticed the missing money.

I shouldn't have been at peace today. It was a beautiful day and I spent most of it doing yard work. Typically I become upset, discontent, even overwhelmed when doing yard work. My yard needs a lot of work. I grudgingly do it usually grumbling about wishing I had a husband to help me or anyone to help me for that matter; it's just too much for one person. But today I didn't. I had the fleeting thought when I thought about how I hadn't thought that today.

Instead, today I wanted to praise my God. I wanted to worship Him. I wanted to adore Him. I wanted to sit in His presence and just be. No words needed to be exchanged; I just wanted to sit at His feet, maybe rest my head upon His knee and enjoy being in His presence.

Since I have apparently graduated to meditating on whole passages I increased my meditation time to 20 minutes. I started out with the beginning of the passage because today while outside that is what I was thinking about. I felt cared for, provided for. Then I felt the need to just say thank you over and over. Finally I started thanking God for the various verses from this passage I could remember.

Thank you for being my Shepherd so that I do not want.

Thank you for the green pastures to lie in.

Thank you for the calm waters.

Thank you, even though I have walked through the dark valley, I did not need to fear.

Thank you for the comfort of Your rod and staff.

Thank you for preparing me a table.

Thank you for the goodness and love in my life.

Thank you that I will dwell in Your house forever.

Have I grown up?

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. Hebrews 5: 12


Tonight's meditation was a challenge; instead of a single verse I meditate more on a passage. The verse above pretty much summarizes Hebrews 5:11-14. It is something I have thought about since hearing a sermon on Feb. 21.

On Dec. 14, I had my wisdom teeth removed. If you have had this procedure done you know that for the first day or so you cannot eat solid food. Due to a minor complication (I had a "significant" bone fragment in my gum - the doctor's words, it was large and painful - my words), I did not eat true solid food for over a week. I pretty much had only Carnation instant breakfasts for every meal for a week and the second week I was still drinking at least 2 instant breakfasts a day. Two weeks after the surgery the swelling was down enough to discover the bone fragment which was promptly removed and my eating habits quickly returned to normal.

Instant breakfast is basically formula for adults. I drink them fairly regularly for breakfast during the work week because they are quick and provide me with enough protein to make it to lunch. But to live off them solely is not enough. It does not sustain me. I lost at least 5 pounds the first week (I don't own a scale and I happened to be at my sister's house a week after the surgery). I was exhausted, absolutely no energy. I went back to work less than 24 hours after my surgery (please don't try this at home. I don't really remember the drive to work on that Tuesday). So my daily activities remained the same for the week following the surgery. Thankfully I was on holiday after that.

Remembering my time of subsisting basically on milk alone and how I was not satisfied (I was hungry all the time) I thought about how it is with the Christian life. Just as adults after eating solid food cannot not live again on milk alone, mature Christians cannot be satisfied by merely being fed the word of God once they have delved deeper into their own personal study. Last year, I attempted to survive only on spiritual milk, relying on Bible study teachers and the preacher to provide my nourishment. However, I had already matured past the point where milk would sustain me. I was eating solid food. "acquainted with the teaching about righteousness" (Hebrews 5:13) and "trained [myself] to distinguish good from evil" Hebrew 5:14.

When I knelt to meditate tonight I was debating whether I was still a baby requiring milk or if indeed I am spiritually mature and need meat to sustain me. I knew the answer so I asked why do I need to contemplate these two verses. Then I focused on "the elementary truths of God's word" (Hebrews 5:12). Though I no longer require someone to teach me the fundamental truths of my faith and I still need to be reminded of them and study them. Much like though I am an adult I still need milk to ensure a healthy diet.

I felt reassured about my Christian growth, but also convicted to return to solid food. My personal Bible study has still been lacking. My Meditative Mondays have helped me to at least open my Bible 1 day a week, but this is like the occasional baked potato, banana, or Frosty that I ate during my recovery. They provided an increase in calories and nutrients, but not enough to increase my energy level or give me the feeling of being full like a Five Guys cheeseburger and fries did. During the sermon that got me thinking about this we were challenged to read John by the end of March. Again going along with the analogy that I should still drink milk although I have moved to solid foods. Often new Christians are encouraged to read through John as the basics of the faith are well outlined in the book.  I am going to take the challenge since where I left off with my Bible reading last year isn't exactly the most exciting part of the Bible (I was in Ezekiel where he is given the blueprints for the temple).

One last thing to say about my meditation on Hebrews 5:11-14 is probably the one true thought that came to me during the 15 minutes (the rest of the above I have been thinking about for the past week). When this thought entered my head my eyes popped open and my head jerked up (I have found it comfortable to meditate in the yoga position known as child's pose). Remember a few weeks ago I wondered if maybe God was trying to tell me something I wasn't ready to hear? Well I think He told me it today and since I was focused on something else my guard was down and He slipped it in. In probably the last minute or two of my time I was brought back to the first part of verse 12 "you ought to be teachers..." Uh, Uh, WHAT!?

I love my small group teachers. I love sitting under their teaching. I learn and am challenged every week by them. I am not too happy with my small group. Though we have a few more permanent members most are transient since they are in graduate school. I have been with my group for the last ten years. No one remains from the first day I attended the group (well one of the teachers is now back after taking a break for several years). Many of them are 5 - 10 years younger than me. It has been discussed to start a class for singles in their 30s, but finding a teacher for adult small groups is difficult. A year and a half or two years ago I started thinking if we can get members I guess I could teach it. I have the personality that if no one else will step up I will. I didn't really feel called, but I knew we would need a teacher. I am scared to teach a new class; if we can't make it work I will think it is all my fault. I wasn't called then and if I had stepped up it would have failed when I experienced my valley of darkness. Maybe God is calling me now.  From the things that I have learned the past two months about who God is, His will, and submission to Him, that whether the group suceeds or fails is NOT reliant on my ability as a teacher, but on my trust and willingness to obey God.

In Need of Comfort

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28

Things at work are getting rough. Just one of those times when nothing seems to be going right. All I wanted to do today was come home, curl up in a ball, and pull the covers over my head. I did not want to do my meditation tonight. I told God I was too tired to learn anything tonight. Then I remembered that I am to bring all my worries and anxiety to Him (Rule #14). Then I was reminded that God will give me rest. I know last week I talked some about not submitting just for the rewards, but I do not serve a harsh taskmaster, but a loving God. He is my Creator, my Provider, my Sustainer. I am promised in Matthew 11:30 that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. An interesting cross reference is 1 John 3 This is love for God: to obey His commands. And His commands are not burdensome.

It would be nice if God could just take the problems away, but I know that they will be there tomorrow when I get to work (and they could possibly be worse). Therefore, I prayed for strength to face them. I also asked for rest. During the 15 minutes that I meditate I think I might have dozed off towards the end. I got up from that time feeling relaxed. It is almost too hard to keep my eyes open as I type this (thankfully I don't have to look at the keyboard when I type).

When I came home I wanted to curl up and hide, but now I want to stretch out in my bed and sleep peacefully. God is good.

A Time of Confession

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:10


Tonight's meditation was a little different. I didn't have a verse per se to focus on. I felt like I needed to spend some time in confession. My thoughts and actions have not been what they should be lately so I felt that I needed to seek forgiveness.

As I prepared to kneel tonight I thought back over my submission to God and why I wanted to submit to Him. Before kneeling I read over James 4: 1-12. I also skimmed a few verses before and after that passage. Several things jumped out of me. I chose this passage since I had quoted James 4:7 in an earlier post on submission, but had never really looked at it.  I felt that I needed to focus more on submission than a verse tonight. Yesterday's sermon hit home for me. It was on the will of God in your life. Several of the points had to do with giving God all the conrol, submitting to Him, surrendering your desires. Sound familar? I have written those same things.

So tonight after my confession and I thought about a few of the verses from the James 4. It started with verse 8. I want to come near to God, I desire for God to be near to me. Why do I feel distanced from Him when just a few weeks ago I felt so close. Another sin was pointed out and again I confessed and sought forgiveness. Then my thoughts turned to the rules I wrote up a few weeks ago. The first week or so I read over them every day, but since they have been buried behind other post now I have not been reading them. Typically when I pray I know that God is speaking to me because my thoughts go in directions that I would not necessarily think. When I am convicted, the words or action is verbal (if that makes sense) in my head. Occasionally when I have sinned against someone I will picture their face, but rarely do I have a visual when speaking with God. Tonight though as I was asking why I feel the distance between me and God, I was seeing a man (a father) sitting in a chair. He sat silently, like a parent would while waiting for their child to speak, to come to their own conclusions. "Why are you silent", I asked. This is when my rules came to the forefront. It was like God was telling me that I had everything I needed to feel close to Him, to be near Him, if I would just follow the rules. I ran through some of the rules that I could remember. Love the Lord; Love your neigherbor; your body is a holy temple; be patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled; tell others about Jesus.

James 4:10 came to mind and I repeated it to myself several times. It seemed to settle me unlike other verses I had thought of during this time. Then the question - why do I want to submit to God? If you have read my other posts you know the answer - I want to experience life abundantly. But that isn't why I should desire to submit to God. I was created to glorify God. I was not created so that He could give me good things. He gives me good things because He loves me and cherishes me as His creation, as His child. I was making my submission about me. I was reading a blog post on Domestic Daisy's blog the other day where she talked about holding her submissin hostage (I must note that Daisy and he husband practice a form of domestic discipline and her blog does have an adult content warning though I am not pointing to anything explicit I thought I should mention it for those reading my blog). I didn't really understand what she was talking about. But now I kind of wonder if that is what I am doing with God. I only submit so much and only as long as I am getting something from it. However, I am not to submit to God for what I can get out of it. I am to submit to God because I desire Him to be glorified.

My 15 minutes of meditation seemed to only touch the tip of the iceberg of the ephinany or what God is trying to tell me. I have worked through some of the thoughts here, but it feels like so much more needs to be worked through. I will probably write in my private journal about some of this and see what comes of it. Often for me writing out what I am talking to God about helps me to hear Him better. I think because I have to think more (slow down my brain so that I can write the words and think about what I am writing so that it makes sense and in doing so I pay more attention to what I am actually thinking). I will probably come back to this and I might share more of what I write in my private journal.

Snagged in the web of an old habit

Trust in the Lord... Proverbs 3:5

It is easy to slip into old habits. It happens so slowly sometimes that you don't realize you are doing it until oops your caught in the web. That is where I found myself today. Sometime this afternoon I started thinking about my weekly meditation and discovered that I hadn't really though about it since last week. Granted I was sick most of the week and was sleeping whenever I wasn't at work, but still I thought about the times I was awake for just dozing in bed. Times that I could have easily focused on God for a few minutes. Instead I wondered what I would do if I was the main character in the story I am reading or what in the world is going on with Lost. It got to the point whenever there wasn't something needing my attention I would immediately begin daydreaming.

I think I was already doing this some the week before, hence the I got nothing Meditative Monday. I wrote it off at first as trying not to dictate to God what I wanted to meditate on, but to wait for Him to show me. But all I was doing was cutting off communication with God.

I still had no clue what to meditate on tonight when I got home from work. Nothing was coming to be. I looked back over what I had meditated on before but still nothing was coming to mind. I was starting to wonder if maybe tonight there wouldn't be a verse.  Maybe tonight needed to be a time of confession. I sifted through what I might need to confess. I know that my thoughts had not been where they should be and that become more obvious the more I thought about it.

I ran across a new to me blog today and a new post was made while I was looking over my past posts. In this post one of her statements really stood out to me - "God has given me the ability to trust Him; and if I do, my 'self' will become a conduit for His strength, given to others." Immediately Proverbs 3:5 popped into my head.

I read the rest of the verse and was struck by the second half, lean not on your own understanding. It brought me back to last week's verse, my thoughts are not your thoughts. I also went on to read verse 6 since it is the completion of the thought started in verse 5, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. My study Bible has a side note for verse 6, "In the original Hebrew, 'in all your ways acknowledge Him' is more literally 'in all your ways know Him.' This fundamental statement of how to relate to God implies more than mere reverence. Nodding in God's direction is not enough; you must know Him by  living closely with Him, relating to Him personally in every aspect of the your life." After reading this comment it seemed that I have full circled back to what I was meditating the first week and I can see how all the verses I have meditated on the past month are connected.

When I knelt to meditate I wasn't sure what part of the two verses I would really be focusing on. It quickly became evident that it would be Trust in the Lord. By slipping back into old habits, I can see where I have failed to trust God. I started this journey into deeper submission to God because I want to know Him more, I want to serve Him more, I want to experience the abundant life that only He can provide. In order to submit I must fully trust. If you talk (or in my case read) to any of the people that live in complete submission to their husbands trust is an issue that comes up again and again. Without trust they cannot submit. It is the same with God. I must fully trust Him in order to fully submit to Him.

When I changed my focus from God to whatever entertainment I focused on I basically said that I know better how to make my life fulfilling. Entertainment is not bad or wrong, but it should not be my sole focus or the thing I immediately run to when I have a free moment.

I need to trust God even when I don't understand or not sure where He is headed for I know by focusing on Him I can know His thoughts and ways and His desires will consume me. By knowing Him in all my ways I can experience the excitement and pleasure of life abundantly.

I got nothing

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

I got nothing. Seriously, I am not too sure why God thought I should meditate on this verse this week. I still had delight yourself in the Lord swimming through my head the past week but every once in a while my thoughts are not your thoughts would pop in my head. I have a note that I wrotein my Bible by this verse that says God sees the big picture, we only see a small corner.

I read through the whole passage in hopes of shining some light on what God was trying to say. Verses 11 and 12 caught my eye. I thought that verses 12 and 13 would be something we might discuss in my Sunday night discipleship class. But still nothing was really standing out. It is like it is just beyond my reach whatever it is that God is trying to tell me. I wonder if it is something I don't want to hear. Or maybe something I am not ready to hear. Is is just preparation?

I looked at some commentary, too. I liked what Matthew Henry had to say about verses 6 - 13. Still not knowing where it is going but I will highlight a few things that interest me in the commentary.

"Here is a gracious offer of pardon, and peace, and of all happiness. It shall not be in vain to seek God, now his word is calling to us, and his Spirit is striving with us. But there is a day coming when he will not be found. There may come such a time in this life; it is certain that at death and judgment the door will be shut. There must be not only a change of the way, but a change of the mind. We must alter our judgments about persons and things. It is not enough to break off from evil practices, we must strive against evil thoughts. To repent is to return to our Lord, against whom we have rebelled. If we do so, God will multiply to pardon, as we have multiplied to offend. But let none trifle with this plenteous mercy, or use it as an occasion to sin. Men's thoughts concerning sin, Christ, and holiness, concerning this world and the other, vastly differ from God's; but in nothing more than in the matter of pardon. We forgive, and cannot forget; but when God forgives sin, he remembers it no more. The power of his word in the kingdoms of providence and grace, is as certain as in that of nature. Sacred truth produces a spiritual change in the mind of men, which neither rain nor snow can make on the earth. It shall not return to the Lord without producing important effects. If we take a special view of the church, we shall find what great things God has done, and will do for it. The Jews shall come to their own land; this shall represent the blessings promised. Gospel grace will make a great change in men. Delivered from the wrath to come, the converted sinner finds peace in his conscience; and love constrains him to devote himself to the service of his Redeemer. Instead of being profane, contentious, selfish, or sensual, behold him patient, humble, kind, and peaceable. The hope of helping in such a work should urge us to spread the gospel of salvation. And do thou help us, O Spirit of all truth, to have such views of the fulness, freeness, and greatness of the rich mercy in Christ, as may remove from us all narrow views of sovereign grace." Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary

As far as the practice of meditation:
I am meditating for 10 minutes right now on Mondays. I was not really feeling it tonight, though. I kind of just wanted to forget about it. I am tired, my neck is stiff, the burn on my hand is cracking and stinging. But I did it any ways because I hoped God would enlighten me. I struggled; my mind kept wandering to something else and the dogs wouldn't settle.

I have noticed that during other prayer times I can settle my mind more quickly and I am not so quick to jump right into talking and keep talking. In Sunday school yesterday we had silent prayer for like 5 minutes. I noticed that I was able to easily focus my mind on what we were to be praying about and instead of directing the conversation I was able to listen. I don't know if it really was 5 minutes or not, but it didn't feel like it was never ending as it would have tended to before.

I want what I want

...He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Last week I struggled with what I would meditate on tonight. I decided on a verse that went along with the last two, I thought. But every so often I would think again what am I meditating on? Then I would answer myself (yes, I talk to myself - I'm not crazy it is a result of living alone). I decided to meditate on I am God. My first clue that this wasn't going in the right direction should have been the I have decided part of the statement. All the while another verse would pop into my head throughout the week - I will give you the desires of your heart. I just brushed it off. Well come Friday, I guess God got tired of being subtle with His request and sat me down for a heart to heart. He wasn't angry; it was not chastiment. He was giving me the opportunity to be obedient. And what an eye opener that discussion was.

I want what I want. Oh, I will be patient (for the most part) and wait for God to fulfill the desire, but in the end I want what I want. God pointed out that my desire is an area of my life that I didn't want to relinquish control.

The verse God gave me to meditate on is often misinterpreted. I knew that when God said to meditate on it that it did not mean He would necessarily give me what I want. The true meaning of the verse is more along the lines of I (God) will plant in your heart My desires.

If I truly want to live in submission to God I must give over to Him my desires. Easy to say,  but I have been trying to do that for the last 33 years as I have one desire that I have held onto my entire life. I want to be a wife and mother.  When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up that is my answer. I hate being asked what do I want in five years because as I have grown older I am feeling less hopeful that my desire will be fulfilled. I also don't like the question where do you see yourself in five years because I see myself in the same place I am now.

Did you know that there is a difference in those two questions? The first, what do you want, is goal oriented. The second, where do you see, is more reality based. I hate answering either question - with the second I am just depressed. And with the first I have no idea how to reach it. I can't make someone fall in love with me. I know because I tried once and it just left me heartbroken and ashamed.

So where does this leave me? I think no matter how hard I try I will not be able to completely let go of the dream, but I can let go of the desire. I was talking to a friend at church last night about the heart to heart I had with God and he asked me what do I do to give control to God in this area of my heart, how am I to be obedient. My answer - I don't know.

That is where meditating tonight come in. I always look up the verse I am going to meditate on to make sure I understand the context. So when I looked up Psalm 37:4 tonight I read the first part - Delight yourself in the Lord. I think I am suppose to give over my longing, craving to be married and have a family to God by delighting in Him. By shifting my focus from my want to God, the desire for Him will increase and I will only want to focus on Him. I will no longer crave marriage, though may still dream of it, because I will find everything I long for in God. And should He send me a husband then it will be a blessing, a gift He bestows on me.