It's pointless

Until I get back into reading and study the Bible my Monday meditations are kind of pointless. I couldn't find anything to meditate on tonight. I thought about meditating on the passage about the last supper, it being Holy Week and all. While looking for it I read about Jesus washing the feet of His disciples and how he truly demonstrated a servant heart. I skimmed the chapter on submission in hopes of finding something. I briefly meditated on Mark 8:34 - deny yourself. I could not settle my mind on anything. So I thought perhaps I was suppose to once again just be still and know He is God. It was focusing on this once again that I realized I felt distant. That there was an invisible barrier between us. And that I am not going to make any progress until I get back into studying the Word of God for myself. I felt disappointment wash over me. Yes, my God will forgive me for this failure, but I cannot seek His forgiveness unless I am willing to repent. I feel disappointed in myself, but not discouraged.