The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presences of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

It is starting to look and feel like spring. This is a time of new life and hope, but for me it is often the time my depression hits the hardest. Why? Maybe because I see all the new life and realize that I am still in the same place as always. It is also the time when my heart was broken; my shame revealed.

I have been reflecting some this past week on why I fall to depression so much during this time of renewal. This was about the time last year that began my walk through a dark valley in my life. I have been reminded of this Psalm during this week of reflection. At first I was like "What God? This is a Psalm for funerals." I am most familiar with Psalm 23:4 being worded "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death." And this is the Psalm that is read at most funerals. However this week when I have thought about this verse it has been the valley of darkness. I thought whatever it's just my translation. But tonight when I looked up Psalm 23 there is a footnote that says that it can be translated the darkest valley. I refer to my depression last year as a time of darkness. And though I did not always feel God's presence I know He was there.

Today I was ... at peace. It is a strange feeling. Today is a furlough day for me so I was not paid for today. Typically, I should be worrying about not having that day's pay, particulary since my savings account has dipped below what I am comfortable with it having.  Or maybe angry because I am paid from a different source of funds which had money available to pay me. But it didn't really cross my mind. This is my 5th furlough day in the fiscal year and so far I have been able to cover my bills without any problems. I haven't really noticed the missing money.

I shouldn't have been at peace today. It was a beautiful day and I spent most of it doing yard work. Typically I become upset, discontent, even overwhelmed when doing yard work. My yard needs a lot of work. I grudgingly do it usually grumbling about wishing I had a husband to help me or anyone to help me for that matter; it's just too much for one person. But today I didn't. I had the fleeting thought when I thought about how I hadn't thought that today.

Instead, today I wanted to praise my God. I wanted to worship Him. I wanted to adore Him. I wanted to sit in His presence and just be. No words needed to be exchanged; I just wanted to sit at His feet, maybe rest my head upon His knee and enjoy being in His presence.

Since I have apparently graduated to meditating on whole passages I increased my meditation time to 20 minutes. I started out with the beginning of the passage because today while outside that is what I was thinking about. I felt cared for, provided for. Then I felt the need to just say thank you over and over. Finally I started thanking God for the various verses from this passage I could remember.

Thank you for being my Shepherd so that I do not want.

Thank you for the green pastures to lie in.

Thank you for the calm waters.

Thank you, even though I have walked through the dark valley, I did not need to fear.

Thank you for the comfort of Your rod and staff.

Thank you for preparing me a table.

Thank you for the goodness and love in my life.

Thank you that I will dwell in Your house forever.