Psalm of Confession

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord" - and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5

Since starting on this journey to total submission I have noticed that I am I quicker to recognize sin in my life and also more likely to truly confess (not just the Oh sorry God I shouldn't have done that). I can feel the separation that the sin has caused and want to repair the relationship with God. I am also more like to think about the attitude behind the sin. The why I committed the sin and not just the action.

I had trouble settling my mind tonight. I don't know if it was the harder workout if it was the plain fact that I was spending 20 minutes in confession. I wondered also if maybe I am not truly ready to repent from the sin.

It's pointless

Until I get back into reading and study the Bible my Monday meditations are kind of pointless. I couldn't find anything to meditate on tonight. I thought about meditating on the passage about the last supper, it being Holy Week and all. While looking for it I read about Jesus washing the feet of His disciples and how he truly demonstrated a servant heart. I skimmed the chapter on submission in hopes of finding something. I briefly meditated on Mark 8:34 - deny yourself. I could not settle my mind on anything. So I thought perhaps I was suppose to once again just be still and know He is God. It was focusing on this once again that I realized I felt distant. That there was an invisible barrier between us. And that I am not going to make any progress until I get back into studying the Word of God for myself. I felt disappointment wash over me. Yes, my God will forgive me for this failure, but I cannot seek His forgiveness unless I am willing to repent. I feel disappointed in myself, but not discouraged.

A Time of Confession

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:10


Tonight's meditation was a little different. I didn't have a verse per se to focus on. I felt like I needed to spend some time in confession. My thoughts and actions have not been what they should be lately so I felt that I needed to seek forgiveness.

As I prepared to kneel tonight I thought back over my submission to God and why I wanted to submit to Him. Before kneeling I read over James 4: 1-12. I also skimmed a few verses before and after that passage. Several things jumped out of me. I chose this passage since I had quoted James 4:7 in an earlier post on submission, but had never really looked at it.  I felt that I needed to focus more on submission than a verse tonight. Yesterday's sermon hit home for me. It was on the will of God in your life. Several of the points had to do with giving God all the conrol, submitting to Him, surrendering your desires. Sound familar? I have written those same things.

So tonight after my confession and I thought about a few of the verses from the James 4. It started with verse 8. I want to come near to God, I desire for God to be near to me. Why do I feel distanced from Him when just a few weeks ago I felt so close. Another sin was pointed out and again I confessed and sought forgiveness. Then my thoughts turned to the rules I wrote up a few weeks ago. The first week or so I read over them every day, but since they have been buried behind other post now I have not been reading them. Typically when I pray I know that God is speaking to me because my thoughts go in directions that I would not necessarily think. When I am convicted, the words or action is verbal (if that makes sense) in my head. Occasionally when I have sinned against someone I will picture their face, but rarely do I have a visual when speaking with God. Tonight though as I was asking why I feel the distance between me and God, I was seeing a man (a father) sitting in a chair. He sat silently, like a parent would while waiting for their child to speak, to come to their own conclusions. "Why are you silent", I asked. This is when my rules came to the forefront. It was like God was telling me that I had everything I needed to feel close to Him, to be near Him, if I would just follow the rules. I ran through some of the rules that I could remember. Love the Lord; Love your neigherbor; your body is a holy temple; be patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled; tell others about Jesus.

James 4:10 came to mind and I repeated it to myself several times. It seemed to settle me unlike other verses I had thought of during this time. Then the question - why do I want to submit to God? If you have read my other posts you know the answer - I want to experience life abundantly. But that isn't why I should desire to submit to God. I was created to glorify God. I was not created so that He could give me good things. He gives me good things because He loves me and cherishes me as His creation, as His child. I was making my submission about me. I was reading a blog post on Domestic Daisy's blog the other day where she talked about holding her submissin hostage (I must note that Daisy and he husband practice a form of domestic discipline and her blog does have an adult content warning though I am not pointing to anything explicit I thought I should mention it for those reading my blog). I didn't really understand what she was talking about. But now I kind of wonder if that is what I am doing with God. I only submit so much and only as long as I am getting something from it. However, I am not to submit to God for what I can get out of it. I am to submit to God because I desire Him to be glorified.

My 15 minutes of meditation seemed to only touch the tip of the iceberg of the ephinany or what God is trying to tell me. I have worked through some of the thoughts here, but it feels like so much more needs to be worked through. I will probably write in my private journal about some of this and see what comes of it. Often for me writing out what I am talking to God about helps me to hear Him better. I think because I have to think more (slow down my brain so that I can write the words and think about what I am writing so that it makes sense and in doing so I pay more attention to what I am actually thinking). I will probably come back to this and I might share more of what I write in my private journal.

Conviction and Confession

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins... 1 John 1:9

Last week I failed to follow rules #19 and #20. A new employee at work had to have a form filled out and when he asked me to do it I told him he could feel out the top part (the name and stuff) and then he asked me about his pay type and stuff. He also said something about the form saying it should be filled out by the supervisor. His tone rubbed me the wrong way and even though I answered his questions I was not overly kind (at least internally I knew it wasn't the right tone). I made some excuses to myself to justify my attitude and went on with my day.

Later in the day I was rereading the rules I posted and when I got down to the bottom I realized that I had failed (you can say I say I failed to follow the first three rules, too). I was convicted of my sin and I confessed it to God, asking for forgiveness.