I want to give up

Being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will continue it on until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Life is crumbling down around me. I am so stressed and anxious that I am physically ill. I am tiring so hard to do everything right that I am making more mistakes. I feel like I stand alone.

I spent my 20 minutes of meditation in tears. Where is God? He is suppose to be strong when I am weak. And I am weak at this moment. He is suppose to be my Comfort and Strong Tower where I can take refuge. How am I suppose to face tomorrow? Just because He lives does not help me know how to deal with the stuff I face.

If He started a good work in me and is continuing it, then why do I feel like such a failure?

Confused part 2

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledment of God rather than burnt offerings. Hosea 6:6

This verse goes sort of with last week's verse. The two have popped in my head several times in the past week. It seemed at one point some clarity was coming, but alas I still wasn't sure what it all meant. Tonight, I read all of chapter 6. What caught my attention was verse 3 "acknowledge God, press on to acknowledg God." It reminded me of the verse that started me down this path - Be still and know I am God.

In both Hosea and Micah, it is mentioned that Israel is arrogant. As I sat meditating  I was brought back to once again whether I should finish my Ph.D. or not. I thought about why I started the program. It was to prove my self-worth. I will admit I have often thought my secterial position is beneath me. Though I don't care if I use my Ph.D. I wanted it because it proved something. It is a points of pride. I thought about my current position. I could be very content in it. Things have improved that I no longer dread going to work. And if I would do my work; it would be something to be proud of.

Before I entered the Ph.D. program, I dated a guy who thought just about everything out of my mouth was illogical; any arguments I made were senseless. It is no wonder I stopped trying to open up to him and he thought there was nothing "below the surface." I have worth whether I have a Ph.D. or not. I am worthy because God created me and declare it good.

When I got to the last step of my Ph.D. that is when I faltered. I was continually told to go back through my dissertation. I started "hearing" it isn't good enough; you are not good enough. Then I did the presentation - and there was more criticism. I started thinking may the guy was right, maybe I can't make a logical argument, maybe I am not capable of deeply thinking about a subject. In the midst of this I was dealing with other situations that made feel like a failure. My depression was becoming worse and I gave up on finishing my Ph.D.

I wanted to stand before man and be declared right. I can stand before God in rightness solely because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I do not need man's approval.

Do I need to finish? I don't know. Will it just make be prideful? That is not what God wants. Will it make me more discontent with my current circumstances? Possibly. What does God want me to do? I am not sure in respect to my Ph.D. I know that He wants me to acknowledge Him. To have a close, intimate, meaningful relationship with Him.

Something's brewing

I have learned to be content in all circumstances. Philippians 4:11

There is an unsettling deep within my soul. I can feel but cannot name. Is it discontentment or some unidentified struggle waiting to emerge when God knows I'm ready to handle it? Either is possible.

I know there are circumstances in my life that I am not happy with. There are a lot of "I want" statements flowing out of my heart, but what do I need?

Struggles and confusion are within me as well. I re-read the chapter on the discipline of submission in Foster's Celebration of Discipline. I have questions. Not sure how to incorporate some of the ideas into my life. I feel challenged in areas where I know I am not submitting.

There is a battle between spirit and flesh brewing within me. The new man is fighting the old man. I am not sure where I stand in the battle. Am I in midst or do I stand on the sidelines as an observer. Today, I was chatting with some friends and mentioned a personality test I took in college that determined introvert/extrovert and rule follower/rule breaker (there was a term for this but I can't remember it). I scored almost right dap in the middle of the chart just slightly on the side of introvert and rule follower. But the extrovert, rebellious side of me is standing ready to come forth with the slightest nudge. The extrovertness isn't bad; it can be quite helpful in certain circumstances. My rebellious side can be dangerous. While it helps me to determine "rules" that may be unjust, it also leaves me wanting to push the envelop. I have joked that I am rebellious within societal norms. Maybe this is what the struggle I feel is about.

I take comfort, just as I had found last week, even though I do not understand and cannot make others understand what is going on in my head and within my heart, God understands. His understanding is beyond measure. I lean not on my own understanding, but His.

Is this a test?

...His understanding has no limit. Psalm 147:5

This past week I have felt like God is laughing at me. I know He is not, well maybe trying to hide a chuckle. I wanted to be angry with God, but I knew He was right so it kind of took the fire out it.

It seems no sooner had I pledge to surrender my life completely to Him (see this post) that God is testing to see if I am truthful. I knew when I made the pledge that God would challenge me, push me to my limits. I didn't think it would be so soon.

This week I am faced with a decision. Can I put away my desire in order to do Kingdom work? Can I trust God to protect me? I think this is an excerise in trust. When I surrendered myself on Palm Sunday I knew that meant God could do whatever and that when faced with the path He has chosen for me I might balk at it. But I know He is beside me.

Tonight's meditation brought that truth to light. When I say God is laughing at me I don't think He is being mean. It is more like the chuckle that a parent has trouble hiding when their child doesn't quite get what is going on. God's understanding knows no limit. He cares for me beyond measure. He understand greater than I do how much of the struggle this path will be for me. But I also have confidence that I can resist the temptation (I have struggled this week with whether or not I am rationalizing my actions so that I get my way).

This situation is in God's hands. I have sought Godly counsel and I was told to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. All I can do is take the next step for as of right now I do believe that God has a plan for putting me in this situation. I am not sure what that plan is or truly how to proceed. But taking one step will either lead me through the open door or close it to me. I must not rush 10 steps ahead and get lost in the what ifs my mind wants to create. I can only trust that God will lead my steps.

I want what I want

...He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Last week I struggled with what I would meditate on tonight. I decided on a verse that went along with the last two, I thought. But every so often I would think again what am I meditating on? Then I would answer myself (yes, I talk to myself - I'm not crazy it is a result of living alone). I decided to meditate on I am God. My first clue that this wasn't going in the right direction should have been the I have decided part of the statement. All the while another verse would pop into my head throughout the week - I will give you the desires of your heart. I just brushed it off. Well come Friday, I guess God got tired of being subtle with His request and sat me down for a heart to heart. He wasn't angry; it was not chastiment. He was giving me the opportunity to be obedient. And what an eye opener that discussion was.

I want what I want. Oh, I will be patient (for the most part) and wait for God to fulfill the desire, but in the end I want what I want. God pointed out that my desire is an area of my life that I didn't want to relinquish control.

The verse God gave me to meditate on is often misinterpreted. I knew that when God said to meditate on it that it did not mean He would necessarily give me what I want. The true meaning of the verse is more along the lines of I (God) will plant in your heart My desires.

If I truly want to live in submission to God I must give over to Him my desires. Easy to say,  but I have been trying to do that for the last 33 years as I have one desire that I have held onto my entire life. I want to be a wife and mother.  When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up that is my answer. I hate being asked what do I want in five years because as I have grown older I am feeling less hopeful that my desire will be fulfilled. I also don't like the question where do you see yourself in five years because I see myself in the same place I am now.

Did you know that there is a difference in those two questions? The first, what do you want, is goal oriented. The second, where do you see, is more reality based. I hate answering either question - with the second I am just depressed. And with the first I have no idea how to reach it. I can't make someone fall in love with me. I know because I tried once and it just left me heartbroken and ashamed.

So where does this leave me? I think no matter how hard I try I will not be able to completely let go of the dream, but I can let go of the desire. I was talking to a friend at church last night about the heart to heart I had with God and he asked me what do I do to give control to God in this area of my heart, how am I to be obedient. My answer - I don't know.

That is where meditating tonight come in. I always look up the verse I am going to meditate on to make sure I understand the context. So when I looked up Psalm 37:4 tonight I read the first part - Delight yourself in the Lord. I think I am suppose to give over my longing, craving to be married and have a family to God by delighting in Him. By shifting my focus from my want to God, the desire for Him will increase and I will only want to focus on Him. I will no longer crave marriage, though may still dream of it, because I will find everything I long for in God. And should He send me a husband then it will be a blessing, a gift He bestows on me.