I want what I want

...He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Last week I struggled with what I would meditate on tonight. I decided on a verse that went along with the last two, I thought. But every so often I would think again what am I meditating on? Then I would answer myself (yes, I talk to myself - I'm not crazy it is a result of living alone). I decided to meditate on I am God. My first clue that this wasn't going in the right direction should have been the I have decided part of the statement. All the while another verse would pop into my head throughout the week - I will give you the desires of your heart. I just brushed it off. Well come Friday, I guess God got tired of being subtle with His request and sat me down for a heart to heart. He wasn't angry; it was not chastiment. He was giving me the opportunity to be obedient. And what an eye opener that discussion was.

I want what I want. Oh, I will be patient (for the most part) and wait for God to fulfill the desire, but in the end I want what I want. God pointed out that my desire is an area of my life that I didn't want to relinquish control.

The verse God gave me to meditate on is often misinterpreted. I knew that when God said to meditate on it that it did not mean He would necessarily give me what I want. The true meaning of the verse is more along the lines of I (God) will plant in your heart My desires.

If I truly want to live in submission to God I must give over to Him my desires. Easy to say,  but I have been trying to do that for the last 33 years as I have one desire that I have held onto my entire life. I want to be a wife and mother.  When people ask me what I want to be when I grow up that is my answer. I hate being asked what do I want in five years because as I have grown older I am feeling less hopeful that my desire will be fulfilled. I also don't like the question where do you see yourself in five years because I see myself in the same place I am now.

Did you know that there is a difference in those two questions? The first, what do you want, is goal oriented. The second, where do you see, is more reality based. I hate answering either question - with the second I am just depressed. And with the first I have no idea how to reach it. I can't make someone fall in love with me. I know because I tried once and it just left me heartbroken and ashamed.

So where does this leave me? I think no matter how hard I try I will not be able to completely let go of the dream, but I can let go of the desire. I was talking to a friend at church last night about the heart to heart I had with God and he asked me what do I do to give control to God in this area of my heart, how am I to be obedient. My answer - I don't know.

That is where meditating tonight come in. I always look up the verse I am going to meditate on to make sure I understand the context. So when I looked up Psalm 37:4 tonight I read the first part - Delight yourself in the Lord. I think I am suppose to give over my longing, craving to be married and have a family to God by delighting in Him. By shifting my focus from my want to God, the desire for Him will increase and I will only want to focus on Him. I will no longer crave marriage, though may still dream of it, because I will find everything I long for in God. And should He send me a husband then it will be a blessing, a gift He bestows on me.