Accountability

Since probably middle school I have heard about having accountability partners. At the time I did not see a true need for one. In my youth group I was the most spiritually mature (I am not just saying that, my youth pastor told me), so it was hard to see how anyone else in the group could serve as that person. Also I was not close to anyone in the group. At best, I felt tolerated by the others in the group.

It was probably after college when I started thinking that I would like to have an accountability partner, but it was more for the deep fellowship and not the accountability. I tried to meet with a friend for a while, but it didn't work out. I have trouble developing meaningful, lasting relationships with people. I keep people at arms length. I have great difficulty telling anyone anything personal about myself (even people I have known for 10 years). Because of this I had more or less given up the idea of having an accountability partner. Also I am pretty good making sure I do the right thing, so I still did not see the need for an accountability partner.

Since I have been really exploring my submission to God I have had a new interest in accountability. I also have had an ah ha! moment in regards to accountability. Though it is true that a deep fellowship can result from being held accountable to another person, it is not the reason I need accountability. I don't need just to be answerable to someone, but I also need to receive encouragement.

A few weeks ago, I was reading the blog of someone who practices domestice discipline within their marriage. She mentioned that her husband had given her a bedtime as she tends to stay up all night and then isn't able to get up in the morning. She wrote that since her husband was out of town she was having trouble continuing to comply with the bedtime request.

This got me thinking about my own life. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I am able to be responsible for myself, that I did feel like I need to answer to anyone. When I think back over the past year though I can see that I did need someone to answer to. I know that I am ultimately answerable to God, but He is not physically present and therefore it is often easy to think He isn't watching. Now I didn't start off neglecting the big stuff like Bible study or worship, but little things mostly having to do with my attitude. I wonder if the woman I was reading about had been left alone longer if bigger things than bedtime would have started to slip. I now see in my own life that neglecting the small things eventually snowballed into having me pretty much turn away from God.

So now I am left with the knowledge that I need to be held accountable, but knowing that I still have great difficulty opening up to another person. What am I suppose to do? For starters I began writing this blog. I did not think anyone would really read it so I told myself that I would post Meditative Mondays and Thankful Thursdays each week, plus I would write about what God is doing in my life and any struggles I have. The last two are in an effort to more open. There is a sense of safety in writing my thoughts into cyberspace. Over the last week or so I have told a few people I know in real life that I am writing this blog. It was daunting, but has gotten easier. I am the girl in real life that puts on a smile and says everything is fine, even when inside my world is crumpling.

I am glad that I have let some people in as I am already seeing times when I just think "I don't have to do this." Last Thursday is an example. Nothing overly great happened last week so I was struggling to find something to be thankful for. I thought several times throughout the day I will write it later. Well, when it became later I thought "Do I really need to write it? No one is reading it." In the end I did write it because I would feel guilty the next day that I didn't do it and I was also reminded that even if no one else sees it God sees it (which applies to more than just whether I write a blog post or not).

So where does all this leave me? I am not as good at self-policing as I once thought. I think the blog is helpful and a step in the right direction, but I don't know if it will be enough if I start sliding again (since it is still up to me whether I do it or not - no one is there to gently nudge me to continue). A person is not an island. I was not created to be alone. I need people in my real life to be answerable to. Not to only point on where I have gone wrong, but to encourage me to continue on the right path. I am still hestitant to sit down with anyone, but I will keep practicing opening up to people here and hopefully one day I will be able to open up to a person in real life.