Learning to submit

It is a new year; a time to reflect on the old and set goals for the future. 2009 was spiritually a dark year for me. A lot of things happened in my life that left me feeling lonely, abandoned, and wondering if God even cared. As a result I stumbled from the narrow path - I gave up prayer, personal Bible study, and even worship (I went through the motions, but there was no worship) - which in turn deepened the emotions I was feeling. It was a vicious cycle that Satan was all too happy to continue. By fall I realized that I needed some help because my life was pretty much in shambles (maybe I am exaggerating slightly) and I did not like who I was becoming.

During a communion service, I confessed it all to God - how I had turned from Him, how I felt about His "silence" during certain situations, and how I didn't know what to do now. Nothing changed. However, a week or so later I saw someone at church who I have talked to in the past about some things and had the urge to seek her out. Typically, I would have ignored it and continued with my one-sided conversations, but I wasn't getting any where on my own. Some time later we met together and I talked for 4 hours. If that night wasn't an example of word vomit, I don't know what is. I did feel better after we talked, thought I was still uncertain about what the future held.

After thinking about that night two things stood out: 1. I needed to repair my relationship with God, first and foremost and 2. Deep down I know God's promises and that He really hadn't abandoned me nor possibly been as silent as I had thought. There is, however, a disconnect between what I know and what I believe at this time.

I am still struggling, though there have been improvements. I have started praying (my prayer life has never been very strong, but it is still weaker than it use to be) and intentionally worshiping. Today was the first time I opened my Bible for personal study in quite some time. I had been meditating on some scripture that I know or have ran across elsewhere. I have been focusing on what caused me to stumble and so badly. But it is like an onion, each layer peeled off exposes another layer. Up 'til now I think I have only been discovering issues that were caused by the main problem. Though eye opening, focusing on them is not bringing me any closer to God because they are not the root cause.

A thought has been floating around my head for a few months - submission. I read something that was describing submission. It said, along these lines, you are given a command and wether you choose to obey or not is up to you, however, obedience earns reward and disobedience yields punishment. Though the context was not Christian, it can be applied to the Christian life. Then a few weeks ago, around Thanksgiving I think, my class met with another class at church for Bible study. I don't remember what exactly the lesson was on, but I remember discussing different views of God and what that says about how we relate to God. One view of God is the vending machine, giving you what you want when you want it. This demanding of God is a way to usurp His control in my life. Bells went off in my head since I have had trouble with who's in control this past year.

For last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about submission and how to submit to God. I recognize I have become unwilling to submit to God. This very well could be the root cause of my stumble. Both points that I mentioned earlier - my relationship with God and the disconnect between knowledge and belief - can be addressed by my submission. Submission entails trust; trusting another enough to give them control requires a level of intimacy. By submitting to God I can grow closer to Him and through my submission I act on my knowledge of God. Continual submission will translate that knowledge into belief as I will be reliant on His promises and I will see them fulfilled in my life. (If this sound unclear or confusing, well, it probably is. It needs further exploration and future blogs will address this).

I want to live life abundantly as I have been promised in John 10:10. In order to live life abundantly, I must submit to God, give Him control of my life. This blog will follow my journey into submission to God and the resulting abundant blessings.