Something's brewing

I have learned to be content in all circumstances. Philippians 4:11

There is an unsettling deep within my soul. I can feel but cannot name. Is it discontentment or some unidentified struggle waiting to emerge when God knows I'm ready to handle it? Either is possible.

I know there are circumstances in my life that I am not happy with. There are a lot of "I want" statements flowing out of my heart, but what do I need?

Struggles and confusion are within me as well. I re-read the chapter on the discipline of submission in Foster's Celebration of Discipline. I have questions. Not sure how to incorporate some of the ideas into my life. I feel challenged in areas where I know I am not submitting.

There is a battle between spirit and flesh brewing within me. The new man is fighting the old man. I am not sure where I stand in the battle. Am I in midst or do I stand on the sidelines as an observer. Today, I was chatting with some friends and mentioned a personality test I took in college that determined introvert/extrovert and rule follower/rule breaker (there was a term for this but I can't remember it). I scored almost right dap in the middle of the chart just slightly on the side of introvert and rule follower. But the extrovert, rebellious side of me is standing ready to come forth with the slightest nudge. The extrovertness isn't bad; it can be quite helpful in certain circumstances. My rebellious side can be dangerous. While it helps me to determine "rules" that may be unjust, it also leaves me wanting to push the envelop. I have joked that I am rebellious within societal norms. Maybe this is what the struggle I feel is about.

I take comfort, just as I had found last week, even though I do not understand and cannot make others understand what is going on in my head and within my heart, God understands. His understanding is beyond measure. I lean not on my own understanding, but His.