I Don't Want To

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The last couple days this verse has been floating through my head. At church we are going through a series about Every Christian a Witness. This week's topic was about telling our story/testimony. I have been praying for a friend for opportunities to share my faith and I think it is finally time to sit down and tell her why I choose to be a Christian. So I thought the verse was an apt one to meditate on tonight. I thought my time would be affirming, uplifting, strengthening.

I thought about this verse all evening. While I was grocery shopping, while walking the dogs, while fixing supper. Sometime during walking the dogs and fixing supper it dawned on me that maybe God want to talk about something else. My first response - No, I don't want to hear it. I just want it to be about giving my testimony.

Well, God did have something else in mind for tonight. No sooner had I knelt on the floor and started repeating the verse that He took over. I immediately focused on all things. It doesn't mean just the spiritual things He has called me to, but the everyday life things.

I have been putting off finishing my Ph.D. I know it is something I will regret 5 - 10 years from now even though I have no clue what I want to do with it.

When it was obvious that I couldn't push this aside I wanted to just get up and stop meditating. I immediately felt deflated. I might have even pouted a little (or maybe a lot). I know had I not been kneeling I would have stomped my foot as I clearly told God I. Don't. Want. To.

I don't know if I can ignore it any longer. I am warring with myself. My desire to submit to God in all things versus my absolute fear of facing my committee.

I just want to cry.